Tabula Rasa

I'M MOVING OUT

2008-05-16T14:26:00.001+08:00

This blog is gone for good, although I'm not deleting it. I just feel the need for something new.

Anyways, I moved HERE. Hope to see you there.

Polarities

2008-05-03T20:24:00.004+08:00

She wanted none of that. As far as she was concerned, the deal was finally done – convinced that it was all that she ever wanted.

“Simple lang,” she recalled to me. “Hindi ko gusto ang glamurosang buhay.”

It was hard to believe that, knowing she had consistently aced five straight terms. She needed to endure four more, of course, but she was quite easily set for anything she wanted – earn dollars, live abroad, or simply stay here, work at a famous telecommunications company, or, barring that, a local TV station.

“Maraming papatay para umabot sa posisyon mo ngayon. Ano ‘yun, pagkatapos mong mag-aral, magbubukid ka lang?” I challenged, partially in jest.

She grinned. “Gusto ko ‘yun dati, kaso sayang naman, ‘di ba? Pero ‘yun nga – ‘yung hindi mayaman para ‘di masalimuot ang buhay.”

It often comes misconstrued, but it was always how much that mattered more. It was never a matter of if we were; it was always where we were – and we’re here for sure, although where exactly remains as open-ended as ever. Maybe, it’s the gravity of its improbability seeping through – knowing that we are forever to trudge on striving for which that they say could never be achieved. Then again, it’s supposed to be the challenge that keeps you going.

You’re supposed to learn something after all. There’s the chance that things get messier, but then, things get settled anyway. It’s simply a matter of time when you feel you could just stand still and watch everything fly by. She’s found that moment, at least, and a semblance of happiness and fulfillment beyond which she no longer yearns for. I’ve personally wondered how anyone could be as contented with that, while I find something that’s decidedly scary about the unknowable. And yet there’s that and there's happiness. Granted, we’ve strained too much of ourselves to be where we are now, you simply can’t contend with that feeling, despite knowing you’re seeing something good go to waste. At least she knows what she wants; there’s something I haven’t achieved myself.

And for everything else, there’s doubt and the people who talk about the future; those who get thrilled, the ones who get scared, and others who don’t give anything at all. But always, always, it’s the people who know what they want and believe in it who ultimately succeed.

Lick Those Lips

2008-05-02T12:35:00.000+08:00

He never wonders what happens now. Maybe he never cares. He’s changed, they say, as though he’s become a bit more forgiving. Gone were the days he’d look for something that wasn’t there. Instead, he stayed with the thing that matters the most - his happiness.

He was spontaneous now, somewhat unpredictable, even. Not so long ago, he decided to take a leap of faith and shared himself to someone he didn’t know. Small talk, he considered. He contended with his own reservations, still, but he tried to make it work. Eventually, he formed a bond.

It wasn’t surprising that he decided to stick to that resolve. He realized then that there will always be a place for the thing they call small talk; no longer keeps to himself nor thinks that conversations always had to be intellectual, lest he becomes marooned in his own solitary dimension with nothing to talk to, or talk about. It doesn’t matter if he had to talk about David Archuleta, else explain microcontroller programming to someone he never knew. In a lot of ways, it was different now, and, yes, he’s changed. He was no longer alone. This was where he was.

He never wonders what happens now. That it’s been said it bordered on desperation never bothers him anymore. He wasn’t sure what he found, but he was happy; and that was all that mattered.

Besides Blueberry Jackfruits

2008-04-13T13:55:00.000+08:00

Unlike the hours slowly whittling away, we found the topics never grew scarce. It’s how real friendship works, they say; that, not unlike love – real love, that is – despite the distance, you can be sure it’s always there. When you’ve finally found that moment, you brush all the skepticism aside, because at that point at least, you feel you have something that’s going to last.

It’s amazing, isn’t it? Seeing the ubiquitous thick glasses you’ve never seen for three years; else, the crisp, white jacket and toque you thought you’d never see again. There’s something decidedly surreal about that. Years, you find yourselves talking about everything, from something as trivial as losing weight, to something as complicated as politics, to something as ridiculous as operatives materializing out of thin air. Somewhat more importantly, even, you still feel connected and strangely familiar, even though in actuality, it’s really been so long. As they say, it’s as though nothing’s ever changed.

There’s always doubt, of course; but suddenly, you think that maybe, there is something about blind faith, the one that tells you its going to work, even though deep down you never believed it would. It’s a risky proposition, of course – hoping for something and (sometimes) getting nothing in return – but at least, you realize that the possibility exists; that it’s not the differences between you that would undermine what you’ve shared together, but that it’s always about your own doubts or, as Niko would put it, your own paranoia.

At least for now, the thought is enough to keep me going – the thought that someday, we’re going to see each other again.

Blueberry Jackfruits

2008-04-11T15:03:00.004+08:00

Somewhere between pesto and fish fillet, we found our voices, although we never found our own way back. She came out, smiled; she went back in. She sent something out, came back, went out and that was all.

“You were expecting something else?” Q retorted, not quite unusually quick on the uptake.

“No, I mean…”

His eyebrows shot up.

“Well, yeah, I suppose so,” I stuttered. “She’s leaving and all that, isn’t she? We never said goodbye.”

He looked at me thoughtfully. “This isn’t about closure and what-not, is it?” He smirked. “Last time you’ve been there, you found out that that wasn’t what you needed at all.”

I shrugged and said nothing, struggling to have something that would make the slightest of sense. He began finishing the jackfruit smoothie he bought a couple of corners back.

“No,” I said finally.

He put the cup down, looking at me more thoughtfully.

“You’re right,” I admitted. “It isn’t about closure.”

I sighed. “I found out what I wanted. Well, you can say I always knew what it is; but I guess it’s already too late.”

So they say cooking is an art; human relationships, if not more so. It’s complicated, I guess; there are times you pass something up for something else, and you’re suckered in only until the joke’s finally on you. While you’re too busy thinking of having something, or needing something, there’s obviously something else beneath it all. Usually, it simply becomes a matter of how long it would take to figure it out. It is how it is with sauces, with the delicate mixtures of herbs and spices that sometimes do something more beyond accentuating the flavors of the food they come with. Sometimes, if not usually, lives become the same; smiles or laughs or playful pats on the back only coming to mask the real essence of what we’ve become.

Things are scarier now – and it isn’t exactly the mutant custards we sampled back. Valediction forebodes, and yet if nothing else, I've only sat back, waiting for things to unfold for themselves as though they would. I was foolish enough once, walking away when I never wanted that at all; she was still there when I came back, although things have obviously never been the same again. I should never make that mistake again, I thought, but now it’s her turn to walk away, writing is the only excuse I have to cope. There was something else I could have done, but I never did it.

Someone we know from somewhere

2008-04-01T21:01:00.000+08:00

“Oh, but I do miss them,” I smiled wryly. “It’s just that we had to move on.”

It wasn’t unusual for the conversation to shift back to what got left behind - for he would never believe it was gone. Everyone found new stories to tell, while he would recount the ones that everyone had already forgotten about. He’d manage to talk about the ones he chanced to bump into, associate it with some memory he had from high school, choke up and get quite sentimental about it. He’d believe things will come back, although of course, they never did.

In some ways, he reminded me of myself - although I’ve never quite admitted that until now. It was way back when I’d miss high school, the people who I used to hang out with a lot, I would talk about them the same way he would. As most stories would end, I found out they didn’t feel the same way. People found new lives, and more importantly, new friends. They never came online anymore, for one, or never texted unless it was the generic greeting they would send everyone during the holidays. Sometimes, still, they didn’t even bother to greet you on Christmas or on your birthday, until after it’s one month too late.

We happened to bump into each other on the terminal before the plans finally broke down.

“Hindi ka ba talaga pupunta sa reunion, Dex,” he implored as we entered España gate.

“May pupuntahan talaga ako e. Next time?”

“Hindi mo ba sila na-mi-miss,” he prodded after that, which I answered as matter-of-factly as I could.

It never pushed through for, well, people like me who had already moved on. The proposition had only received as much as eight confirmations out of the forty plus who were invited and no more. It was postponed to January, but that didn’t work out either. I would eventually find out that even the factions that would have skipped the main party, but would have otherwise held a party of their own, never did. It would only seem that relationships have only gotten that much more divisive over the years that even those who have sworn undying friendship, at least to each other, at some point or another, have already forgotten their vows because of shifting priorities.

Sometimes, people move on; and even when they haven’t yet, one can be safely assume that, eventually, at some point in time, they will. No one knows for sure just how long we’ll get to keep the people we have right now. What we know that it is always a choice. We scrap the things that don’t work, and stick to the ones that do. Eventually, we realize, as I’m sure he would too, that we have to move on as well. Hopefully though, amidst the musings, we’ll also learn to be thankful for the people who have transcended those boundaries and chose to stay.

Recourse

2008-03-22T20:07:00.010+08:00

"So in love ka nga?

I rolled my eyes for the fifth time. "Hindi na nga! Bat ba ang kulit mo?"

People turned to look at our table, flabbergasted, perhaps, at my unsuccessful attempt to control my own temper. Q, the annoying, little twat, tried his best to apologize profusely, while I managed to get in a few deep breaths myself.

He finally went back to look at me, as the last of the scandalized diners turned away. It was his turn to roll his eyes. "E paano ba naman kase ako maniniwala sa'yo? Sabi mo nakalimutan mo na siya pero pumayag ka pa rin?"

Now that was a perfectly fair question. Why, indeed?

That Thursday night, she was there. Perhaps, I had felt a bit more forgiving, then; I figured we hadn't talked for six weeks and it was a holiday. It could have been the right thing to do, I suppose. After all, she was still her.

"Favor nga kase 'yun," I replied, remembering why we had talked that evening in the first place. She was apparently leaving for Florida, and maybe, it was because of that. It was because I knew that it may very well be our last that I naturally wanted at least one good memory for her to remember me by.

"E bat dun sa isa?" He struggled to find the name. "Ano na ule pangalan nun?"

"Kristine," I pointed out.

"O, 'yun. Bat hindi ka naman pumunta, e sa U.S.T. na lang nga 'yun e."

"Iba nga kase 'yun," I said half exasperatingly, trying to sound as honest as possible. "May pasok pa kaya ako nun. Besides, ginagawa ko pa 'yung project namin."

Isn't it funny? Just when we thought we've finally managed to move on, someone makes us realize we really haven't. Sure, we've gotten away from it since the fourteenth, boards fizzing, sparking, burning enough to keep our heads distracted but only for so long until the project's finally done. Call it propensity, my knack of resurrecting what would have otherwise been erstwhile feelings for this particular so and so, Q's nosing around which almost always had me cornered, and my inexplicably winding up in that unmistakable doctor love moment. I guess it always showed that I really hadn't moved on. Why else would I have talked to Kanny about it in the first place? Barring that, why would I ask Q what he thought about her asking me a favor.

He was winning from the start, and he realized it. "Sus, aminin mo na kase."

Maybe, just maybe, I know nothing of stoicism. It isn't that I know nothing of sacrifices, but I guess there's just that romantic hobnobbing a sentimental schmoe like me never passes up. So we thank God for favors, for fish wrapped in paper bags and tiramisu's in little cups, because that gives us the excuse to be with them even for a while.

Standstill

2008-03-19T17:42:00.000+08:00

I received the call from Ray. I rushed back, barely an hour and fifteen under my pockets with nothing more, as the commute to school began tick-tick-ticking away. It was apparently bad news for some of us, who had accrued seven units of failure solely upon the day’s consultations. Four more placed them in conditional status; five would have them debarred. The one subject where only four from our section would have passed under normal, harshly coined merciless, circumstances, carried five units, and we were all five days away from knowing that for sure.

I arrived half an hour past eleven, the campus, a barren and deserted field, belonging only to the dead leaves and the wind. James and R.V. were there when I took the only flight of stairs to the bulletin, sitting almost too somberly by the bench a few spaces away. It was only then, as I counted sixty names, a few of which were repeated, did the truth of it all begin to sink in.

I would always be the apathetic oaf who welcomed change. When news of next term’s reshuffling first broke out, I was its first and perhaps, only outright vocal proponent, barring the dean himself. It became important to reach out as I wanted to cross the boundaries that separated A from B from C, and meet the remaining one hundred people in the pre-quadri-centennial batch who shared the same majors as I did. Maybe three years of having to meet the same people day in and day out, taking the same crap, and shoving it back had taken its toll. I wanted to move on, but I wanted something else.

We talked thereafter well until three; and it was the end. As my heart flipped flopped the way theirs probably had before me, it was time to go. There was perhaps, a finality to their tones, a sense of defeat in their voices. We had to move on. I found out that spirits were their last escape the day before, as it has always been then. I disapproved, although I suppose they had but wanted to relish the moments they had just as we were finally dismissed one last time this term. I half guess they knew it would have been their last, thought silently they had yesterday that was all but frozen in amber.

Fireworks

2008-03-10T18:00:00.008+08:00

There were the seemingly little things - you know, the ones that we've all come to take for granted. You think it's a done deal, wrap up, think nothing more of it and move on.

But I guess we all learned something here today. Tempers flaring, decisions done, undone, nights spent drilling, soldering, cutting, burning, minds appeased, our backs against the wall, and we pushing back, we all had a glimpse at death once again. The things we've overlooked are not so little nor as simple at all, for they werelike bombs suddenly exploding when we least expected them.

It wasn't over - not by a long stretch. The slightly faulty supply was finally approved but the equalizer had been outright rejected; but I'm not really talking about his approval, for even when the equalizer finally gets accepted, I'd still have my conscience to nag me that the supply gave more than the what was set.

The months leading up to today had really been harsh. There's slightly more than one week left to go but it is only now that I've personally received my wake up call. It was something I should have contemplated eight months back.

So it all ends here today. This blog, that is. I've always hesitated closing down, feeling guilty of leaving, but duty beckons now more than it ever did. I guess the most important realization today was that I still know absolutely nothing. I understand there are things I have to do that are really, REALLY important.

So there, folks; goodbye.

And this is where we end

2008-03-08T21:25:00.005+08:00

I guess I've always wanted to drop everything I've known, start again and go as far as my feet would take me without looking back. And yet it bears pointing out, after two months of grit and guts, and a guy breathing down your neck, a group who's probably not a group at all, and a professor who doesn't really know what he wants, that I've gone from a ticking time bomb, to a huge mushroom cloud, a crater and a bang. I've found resolve takes you only so much, for when your patience has been defused, you fall back to sheer, animalistic, unadulterated rage.

These are times when there's probably a better, more rational solution to the problem, but instincts keep you from being rational at all. How could you? When you've just taken a shot for everyone, cut classes to do the project, revised your end of the deal for the fifth time with a bum who just can't shut the hell up, said bum not keeping his end of the bargain himself, another fag on pot who does not understand the word "WORK", three other members not even bothering to help, the list goes on and on and on.

Spending the night in someone else's home, hiding behind the veil of "finishing the documentation" or what-not, probably only to play DS, or PSP, or both. It is absolutely abhorrable. They do not even have a shred of work ethics to talk about.

I AM seething; I probably should have dropped the group when I had the chance, but I guess we've crossed out more people from potential thesismates. I have lost all hope in humanity.

This is where we begin

2008-02-17T15:04:00.003+08:00

The priest went around flailing the vial of holy water about, before finally stopping before me. "You deserve to be blessed," he remarked smiling, the unmistakable yet inexplicable aura emanating from him. I guess I've always held priests in high regard.

It wasn't much, and yet I don't think I deserved that kindness, nor any for that matter, because for what I was worth, I guess I deserved to rot in hell. That's not exactly a comforting thought, to say the very least.

But then, at one point or another, we begin to wonder why we're here and ponder the bigger questions, as I did here today. And I guess, I'm still alive because I haven't fulfilled my mission. In fact, I don't think I even know what it is. All I know is that I could still make up for everything I've done, and therefore, if ey is equal to bee, I should.

Knowing what to do and doing it are two very different things. I guess I've always had the chances and the opportunities to turn my life around. It goes without saying, as I'm obviously still stuck in a rut, that I haven't exactly done that.

I've been talking to some friends about how I feel as though I know very little about things. I wonder when and where and how I would come to understand the things I don't understand about school and about life itself. Two words: self doubt.

But I guess, knowing where you lack, you know where to begin, and beginning is winning half the battle. And between the beginning and the end is where you give back.

This is where we begin.

Somewhere between gone and goodbye

2008-02-11T16:05:00.000+08:00

We were neither where we should be nor there where we want to be, but we were packing our bags all the same, knowing our lives were really just a full stretch of road ahead that neither of us were going to be a part of anymore.

It was three days away from midnight, and the flowers were wilting, and the little bottle was collecting dust upon the shelves. It was something I should have given her four days ago, but I guess some things were just more important than she was. I could only sit now and watch other people carry flowers on the way to school on one hand, and a box of sweets on the other, knowing it was something I should have been doing myself.

But it was over; or perhaps, we've simply snapped out of the disillusionment that it had even begun, for it never did. From the outside looking in, we were just people who happened to be there at the right place, at the right time, that there was nothing more than a favor I've delivered in return.

I've seen where I disagree with other people about decisions - from Zette's oft-too-yucky optimism as opposed to my usual cutthroat cynicism; to Kanny - definitely the last person on earth I expected to talk to about it - and her saying that my sweetness may yet make her change her mind about leaving, airport scene and all in impeccable slash Hollywood fashion; to Kev, who was most probably ready to bite my head off from the get-go; to James making the most sense - Kung gusto, maraming paraan; kung ayaw, maraming dahilan; and finally to J.L. who shared similar sentiments.

But ultimately, whichever way other people may put it, calling it off was the right thing to do, simply because we find the only people capable of defining the subtle degradations of the ethics and principles by which we root our identities and decisions upon are, after all, ourselves. There was no leaving things to fate, to rationalizing about not having control over whatever. We need to do what we need to do, with what we think is right, and we have to be okay with that.

I guess there's no denying, despite the differences we had, was that it was really a sad story that ended up in the estrangement of one party from the other, which, I might add, should never have happened from the start; but we have to move on. There's only so much left to ponder about even as Somewhere Down the Road plays one more time.

Point zero point zero

2008-02-08T16:13:00.000+08:00

We had our fair share of the late nights shared over cups of coffee in front of the screen; the promises made then, the ones kept long ago, and the ones that were broken now; the unwarranted outbursts of cheesiness; the confession of feelings hidden and rekindled; and the random expressions of thoughtfulness that were not so random after all.

But I guess we all knew the inevitability of our story from the start. We understood where the line was drawn, so we never harbored false hopes. So though it ends now, perhaps, too little too soon, and we're back where we began, I know we'll always have that little table in front of the kitchen; and I'm glad we tried.

I love you, and goodbye.

Wherever you will go

2008-02-05T15:21:00.000+08:00

Save the fireworks and the roses, and dismiss the marching band. When the stars conspire to make your life a tad, if not a tad more difficult than it already is, suddenly waking up on the wrong side of the bed, finding yourself on the wrong side of time constraints and an overpouring of other commitments, you can only do so much.

I already gave my word; I was supposed to meet her this Thursday. It's supposed to be something symbolic, after all - being together at the start of another year in the lunar calendar. Ironically, things have gotten in the way yet again. We defend our work this Friday, and we're all struggling to regroup. As if that bomb were not enough, Sir Tan announced a test on advanced math this Saturday only hours ago.

So while we finally seemed to be getting nudged in the right direction together, the promise of three years seeming to make a premature takeoff, it only seems to get awrier as we go along.

We can only assume and counter assume so much before we reach a dead end. The last counter assumption was that if she was truly important to me, then I would certainly find the reasons and the excuses to go. Does this mean she's not important to me? Care to counter?

Truisms

2008-01-31T18:05:00.000+08:00

"I heard type daw niya dati yung brother ng classmate niya," Kev remarked, as we trudged along Estrada, towards, it seemed, the setting sun. It was five, and he was running late.

"Yeah, I know," I said absentmindedly. My heart had skipped a beat. Was I supposed to feel that?

Gabriela, pink, floppy eared and all, was no longer in the large bag I've brought to Taft as we made our own way home. The words "You're sweet and special!" had stayed with her, with the three flowers I've tucked along the silver bracelet adorned with the symbolic lock. She blushed as I gave them to her, Kev would insist. I could've said she was only being diplomatic about things, but I relented, because, well, I believed him. She would later tell me that I was sweet, and she liked the roses - yeeeess!!

As the train swerved, and writhed its way, six stations to Doroteo Jose, our hands pressed against the cabin door, sardined among a hundred men, over, I recall, a conversation on a particularly toxic shellfish and Sherlock Holmes just minutes later, I realized that the other thought had far from eluded me.

"Hindi pwede 'tong nararamdaman ko."

Eventually, it becomes imperative; when something clicks, you'll find yourself in square one. We may, as stubborn as we are, deny a simple truth, but for all we know, it shall, of course, remain as one, until, perhaps, that funny feeling truly begins to fade away. Until then, you'll still waver when she smiles, and blush when she looks right back.

Me? I'm on cloud nine.

Pig brains and Vietnamese noodles

2008-01-27T13:47:00.000+08:00

My life leaves a lot of things to be desired, and thus, I look for other, better things. It's really been a while since I've - what was that dratted phrase? - gotten my head in the game, and done, I believe, what I had to do. And so while I really intended to verge far away from going simply yet again into having to make the excuse of shifting priorities and all that, I realize that it is, after all, inevitable.

Blame it on my selfishness; I've always wanted to work elsewhere, Hongkong maybe, or China or Malaysia, where the culture's diverse, and the food selection's something more than the average Chickenjoy or French fries. I am a foodie, you know, and I eat to live and live to eat. I want to know what's on the other side of the fence, and - I'm sounding like some politicians already - meet other people. Sadly, for others, I'm afraid, getting rich is an inescapable part of that agenda.

Call me materialistic, if that floats your raft, and if that is now equated to the belief - my belief, to be more specific - that adult life is more than just clockwork; that it's more than waking up everyday, working your ass out, paying more taxes and not getting your due. Very stereotypical that, how society brands rich people as evil, evil hogs. Most of the time, it's simply a poor rationalization that people who eventually get tired of complaining how they got stuck in a rut in the first place make. Besides, wanting to get rich and not having values are not even on the same field. While it is undeniable that the former may lead to the other, it doesn't always happen.

Make no mistake about it; getting rich is my means, and not my end, and so I believe as long as I remember to focus on that, obviously unlike how I've gotten so much off topic this time, it seems, I'd be fine.

I guess all I'm saying, is that I'm really reassessing where I went wrong, because somehow, I believe I had a pretty good run for the first quarter of this term, until that downward spiral in mechanics a summative before midterms, and on midterms itself. I realize I have to finally focus, and sadly, make sacrifices.

Blogging, and I've thought really hard about it, isn't one of those sacrifices I have to make, so Zette, you could breathe a sigh of relief now. :P

Fission Mailed

2008-01-26T16:10:00.000+08:00

It was unthinkable, that Nadal, world number two, would be utterly obliterated by a bolt out of the blue in the guise of an unseeded Jo Tsonga, and neither was, of course, tennis top salt Roger Federer succumbing to Djokovic, who was third from the top in his own right, in three straight sets, even. It was, without a doubt, an amazing feat, because they chose not to falter when the monster under the bed came running after them. Grabbed the bull by its horns, they say.

And so I finally begin to understand why it's better not to brood, for one tends to rationalize why this is impossible, or why that is unlikely, or why we have so little time for so much, or why she won't like me because I look like crap or whatever. Time gets lost weighing chances, less work gets done, player loses. Unlike me, they didn't.

It was, I'm afraid, too little too late for redemption, one point five the highest GPA I could ever hope to achieve this term, barring, of course, the not-so-uncharacteristic boo-boo's, the lapses, the reservations, and the things in between. For someone who had resolved in completely doing otherwise, I've actually simply fallen back to the line, the dreaded line, of mediocrity. I have only myself to blame, for, well, bickering too much, getting bitter over things, losing tempers and what-not.

It goes without saying that I'm only resolving to shut the hell up and start working, but I'm saying it anyway. So there; goodbye.

The Solitary Candle

2008-01-24T15:33:00.000+08:00

Two years ago, he had always stood there, beside the wooden doors, a little to the right of the aisle leading to the altar, as he was standing there now, smiling wanly, his figure casting very little but a hazy shadow upon the marble floor. He used to come here often, he remembered, but ill-founded priorities have shifted his directions somewhat. And so he had forgotten how it felt to have this little corner, away and apart from everything and everyone else. He had forgotten, more importantly, that within these walls, he found his sanctuary.

It was, as it had always been since then, another brutal week; his desk at home rendered almost invisible under the mountain of books, the floor strewn with paper, his drawers filled with drafts and photocopied materials. Everyone expected a lot from him - his mom, his dad, his classmates - everyone; and he didn't want to let them down.

And it was a sad thought; for his life now, he felt at times, was one led almost by sheer puppetry, of home and school, and home and school, and church on Sundays, and then the cycle began anew. He was always busy, always lost behind those piles of books. He got up every morning, his face etched and set as though it was made of stone, his eyes burning with so much concentration, towering, looming, over everyone else. It was his poor semblance of power; but it was for the greater good, he would think sometimes. Eventually, it gets tiring; and he was tired now, if not, he felt, broken.

So he was thankful somewhat, as they had urgently left for elsewhere far from home, leaving him alone. This time, he wasn't flanked by the dozen million people, who were always around, but never really cared how he felt. He wasn't asked how the report was coming along; he wasn't engaged into yet another mindless banter about proving his answer on that test two weeks ago for the thirty-fourth time; he wasn't bombarded with questions like how to solve problem number three in assignment number four. He was still pretty much alone, he thought, but at least, he could get rid of all those pretensions and be, for the lack of a better word, himself.

Thus he could come, when classes were dismissed, and thus his eyes could wander around, with a sense, he thought, as though he was being reacquainted with an old friend. The angels holding the holy water stood on either side of the door, as though they were on guard. To his right, he found the confession booths - always a daunting sight, he thought, as he smiled even more wryly, as he had never quite had the courage to enter them since fifth grade, although he had resolved on doing otherwise, as he again did now. And then there were the pews, always neatly arranged, despite having been badly weathered through the years. As the sun managed to poke its head over the shifting clouds, the light threw blotches of red and yellow and green out of the stained glass windows. It's been a while, he thought, but the mosaics were still beautiful.

But his eyes finally rested upon the solitary candle, its flame a tiny pinprick in the distance, dancing playfully, burning fervently across the hall. He broke into a grin - the first one he truly had in months - for at that moment, he knew, he was no longer alone.

"Thank You," he whispered, as he began to walk across to rest.

Caution to the winds

2008-01-09T16:00:00.000+08:00

Blank.

The papers have been sitting in the study for quite some time, idly waiting for an even idler me to write something down - anything down. But I give - I just can't focus.

I realize some people - and some things - are trying to light a fire under me, but I regress, for the lack of a better word. It is not so much as having nothing better to do right now. It is, rather, the truth of having much, much more to do that I inevitably seek the excuse to procrastinate. Pangs of habit, I guess.

Truss analysis was supposed to be the law of the day, coupled with, of course, the inescapable Fourier transform homework that we have somehow managed to put off until now. Meeting either one has somehow proven to be futile; the papers are still blank, and my mind, even blanker. Aggravating all that is, of course, the fact that we start our midterms next week, and we are supposed to submit the final report for the ECE colloquim the week after that, and I haven't started anything. AT ALL.

Classes were canceled today in UST, but I seriously doubt that it was to recover from any brain hemorrhages we might have developed last week (those unpleasant results classes come to mind). In fact, that has simply worsened to an ill-afforded cerebral edema with the allowance of another highly unwelcomed last minute cramming for the usual last minute projects and the even "usual-er" last minute exams. Seriously, aren't we ever given a day off to have a day off?

Somehow, watching the North Hampshire primaries today has just seemed to make that much more sense to me than setting up equations or thinking up of whacked-up designs for the PCB - but, hey, I've done my share of that, too. Thus, of course, the sudden endorsement for Hillary Clinton up front - and yes, she won, with McCain - although, honestly, I'm not really rooting for anyone. The sad part is missing too much of those debates to establish any workable knowledge of the candidates; the sadder part is not establishing any knowledge slash reviewing for tomorrow's test.

Let's just hope she saves me tomorrow.

Selective Frequency Distortion

2008-01-06T15:14:00.000+08:00

"Don't worry," you said, "hindi na ako maiilang tulad ng dati." But you dropped the line before, and somehow my mind always shifted back. You tried to reassure me, but somehow I wasn't.

But you were right; things didn't change after all. I thought we'd fall apart again, but somehow we remained just as close as we were before that, if not, I feel, grow even closer.

So I didn't have to agree, did I? But somehow, I was too bothered. I wanted to be "us", but I didn't want to get in your way.

"Let's just forget about it." I paused. "I've been thinking about it, and I think you're right," I blurted out, not knowing what to say next.

We laughed.

"Don't worry," you repeated from the last.

"I won't," I chuckled. "I just wanted to secure that invitation. At least invited na ule ako for sure."

We both laughed harder.

"Pero alam mo..." you began, not wanting to continue.

"What?" I prodded, after three minutes.

"... masasabi ko na mas matino ka compared sa iba."

I stopped, somehow disbelieving.

"Malay mo......" you trailed off.

We both fell silent.

"Pero anyways, let's forget about it na nga," you recovered first. As usual, you had me disarmed from the get-go.

We can no longer return after all, and things between us have changed. We were more than friends, but we were less than "that", so where were we?

"I hate you," I said jokingly. "You could've told me sooner."

But somehow, I guess, you were just as clueless as I was.

I arrived - three more years - and you agreed. "Friends 'til then."

I doubt we'd ever forget about it. But we can do that, can't we? You forgetting me saying that and me forgetting you saying the same thing. You always joked you had a short memory, after all. Let's just forget I needed closure, and you needed time.

The Other Side

2008-01-02T17:38:00.000+08:00

We shared one, and only one thing; and that was the desire - the passion, if you may - to succeed. Other than that, similarities fall apart, and we were, well, as worlds away as one may even want to imagine.

When the chips were finally down - like now, for example - we find ourselves in hostile, but otherwise, silent, dialogue. He usually won out.

So, all the while, I had one foot in that proverbial grave, as much as I thought everyone else's was. We never really seemed to make much way after all, malls and Baguio and all that. It became my job to yap and brood and nag and yap some more, Jo becoming the usual confidant and almost everyone else becoming the receiving end of my complaints. No one was online - either they were elsewhere, in a mall, or a party, or both - effectively neglecting their end of the bargain - or they were home, online but invisible - not wanting to admit they have absolutely forgotten doing what they had to do.

It was a progressive system after all - failing to submit the tentative proposal this Saturday meant surely taking summer classes, and that was a very unattractive prospect. Flunking a course, specially a major, never became part of my agenda, nor probably in anyone's for that matter. I wanted things to get done, and I wanted in.

But people do step up when you least expect them; and he was right all along. Maika chipped in, while James refined the equalizer schematics she sent; I've done the PSU since last week, and tomorrow's judgment day prematurely. There was still a lot to do for Saturday - the designs needed to be refined, more values needed to be plugged in, and ever more computations needed to be carried out - but we have made some headway, at least, and we now have some ground to work with. It still is highly questionable what the others did - there were eleven of us in the group, by the way - but at least, I think we'll survive until the 25th, where I start to yap all over again.

"It's all about trust," he says.

But trust has never been one of my stronger suits. All along, it has always been his. He believed that things will fall into their places eventually, patiently while I was this impulsive, impatient mojo. He trusted; I yakked. He was the nice guy; I was the not-so-nice guy. Me and him? Two sides of the same coin. Get the picture?

And, yes; he WAS me, he IS me - the other, better side, who has long since been suppressed by the evil that has surely manifested itself as people now recognized me to be. Partially, of course. It would be more than futile to deny that he will always exist, as much as I would, no matter what. We were, after all, counterweights to each other. He is me, and I am him. It IS time, though, to tilt the scales the other way.

And no, I have my eccentricities - and this may very well be one of them - but I don't suffer from anything psychological, thank you very much.

Still, why do I get the feeling as though I'm falsely reassured?

There I go again.

Time for One Last Hurrah

2007-12-31T19:29:00.000+08:00

We came as close to our demise as we've ever been; but we looked squarely at its face, scarred, marred, its eyes disfigured, its breath hanging putridly upon the air.

And somehow, we survived, didn't we? Ah, yes, we got lucky indeed - not everyone would have had that second wind, nor that chance to pick up where we had foolishly left off. We passed the subject - maybe with not so much flourish or flair to talk about - but we passed nonetheless. For that moment, it was all that mattered.

It comes as no surprise that it should rear its ugly face once again. It was a given, of course, that things would only get much tougher as we go.

The stage is set for a new year and it was curtain call. And yet, I'm not quite sure if I'm ready to leave just about now. Sure, passing the subject, and ultimately the term, was a milestone all unto itself. But then, that was not entirely what this year had meant for me, was it? There's much else that has happened before and after then I have yet to absorb, or to simply remember. Cramming everything up all into a single day was sheerly impossible. For someone who brooded as much as I did - or perhaps that only makes it more so - time, indeed, was my greatest enemy.

As pots and pans began to clank, sauces bubble, meats sizzle, and puffs of smoke rise with flashes of colors that light up the sky, it becomes almost too surreal.

"The base was good; but was that really cow testicles I just ate?"

Familiar feelings: "Is this love?"

"Yan ang problema sayo Dex! Minsan masyado ka kasing responsible."

"Tama??"

"You can do it mentally."

"Pero, well... You're right, I do like you. Kase andito na rin lang tayo; might as well say it diba? Ayoko lang someday, magka-what-if's ako."

"Payag ba guys? Payag noh?"

"Fargildue! Slash! Slash!"

"58... 59... 60... 61... Uhhhhhh, hindi ko na kaya!"

"When the diode is pointing to the left... To the left, to the left..."

"Sorry... kase I fell for you."

"Next term hindi na tayo block!"

"Bawal ang mga bading."

"The right stuff?? Enter."

"Rubik's? Maganda yung FriedRice method!"

"Baka isang araw nyan, malaman ko nalang kumakain ka rin pala ng utak ng baka. By the way, you want to try live worms?? Hahaha!"

So maybe it was the fear that things will never be quite the same again - perhaps because the year has just been that memorable.

And yet, even that was a moot point. As much as I cared to admit that the clock was tick-tick-ticking too fast for my tastes - oh, yes, I am a sucker for nostalgia - there was, is, still no stopping change.

But if nothing else, now, more than ever, I realize who I truly am; my person redefined, my soul tempered, my emotions tapped. In a lot of ways, I have become someone as only I can ever hope to be, and only because, ironically, I had embraced change - it does pay, I found this year, to get out of your comfort zone.

Surely, I will move on, if not simply out of doing justice to the year that has just passed. The problem with staying in one place for too long is that it gets us nowhere. Not even trying to move on is, I suppose, a mockery of all that I've been given.

So, after all's been said and done, there is, I resolve, no place for stagnation this year. I'll try anything, I'll risk everything. We have only one life to live, so we had to live it well and enjoy, no matter how things change.

So... Those live worms? Where's the best place to get them?

Tabula Rasa

2007-12-20T17:36:00.000+08:00

So where did we all stand now? Or perhaps, yet, where did I? Do I say how far away I've come from home, or by how much I've done of what? Or maybe is it just how much I have lost to meet an end, or by what I have simply gained?

And yet, we know, that even as we define the yardsticks by which we think we measure the things that close and fill the empty voids in our lives, we all will concede, eventually, surely, that it was still hard to say.

It was the end of another year, and things are different now. And though it ends as much as usual with a bigger waistline and the inevitable Auld Lang Syne, we find that while cruder years meant - at least for me - more brooding time as though the rest of the year were not enough, dramatic exits and speeches are likewise - at least while the time calls for us to be introspective, or to be more introspective than usual on a personal note- slowly beginning to become inescapable as well.

There is, I suppose, something sincere with how ways give way to other ways, and things to other things, and yet still be etched and engraved in our minds and in our hearts for years and years to come. And so, while things have changed only for the umpteenth time, we find that the more things change, the more they really tend to stay the same. Inasmuch as we have strayed too long or perhaps too far away from home, we know that there will always be a place and a time where we can always look back to and remember with fondness.

I have had a few epiphanies in my life. There were times, I admit, where I was simply overwhelmed with how I represent but a mere and utter dot in the vast infinity that we call time and space. Being where I was made me wonder why I was there. And not unlike any paradox, as counter intuitive as it may seem, the more we learned, the less we really knew.

And yet despite these uncertainties that are as much a part of the road as the road itself, we find that there are risks worth taking, ideals worth proving, and a love worth fighting for. There will always be chance conversations we had to make, smiles we had to give, and dreams we had to share. Sometimes, through gritted teeth and all, we had to do what we had to do; sometimes, still, we had to take a step back to move forward. In the end, we are, I found out, our own destinies, our weaknesses, our fortresses, our enemies.

So where exactly did I stand now? Quite honestly, I do not know. All I know is that there will always be heartbreaks and triumphs along the way, and that somewhere down the road, we will always be reminded what it means to fail, to try, to succeed; to love, be loved or simply not at all. We will find that patience was not a virtue - for it was the only virtue; that there will be times when things will eventually fall into the right place at the right time, times when you have to make them, and times when it was simply not meant... that there will be times when it was better to be alone, and times when it was better to share a story or two, or ten, or more... and that, most of all, in the end, we get what we deserve, by how much love and how much time we put in the doing...

It would take more than just a while to say all the things that I am, and the things that I'm not. But ultimately, I will always be a traveler, filling the empty spaces in my soul with moments and memories from other travelers as myself; and waiting, of course, for the other traveler who will make my journey that much more special.

And as I pack my bags to go on my way, I know, that as much as things may change, and even though I may never come back, I will simply never forget this road; not now, not ever.

Into the fire

2007-12-20T14:07:00.000+08:00

And it was still that night; but then, I knew, that I could have gone on and on, forever carrying the proverbial torch for her, silently, willingly, and uncomplainingly.

Yet as I laid there quietly, tossing, brooding, weighing chances, and brooding some more, my emotions, as safe as I thought they were in that balloon, came pouring out like nobody else's business. I found out, that I couldn't contain them after all.

And I thought, that if things were going to change, I had to change them for myself. It seemed that finally, I was already prepared to take that step. I guess, somehow, there just has been an urge to let my feelings loose and see how things would unfold from there. And for whatever it was worth, and for what it meant to everyone else who knew as much, that part of the journey did begin.

And, I guess that for the most part, I expected things would get awkward as it did back then, and for that, I was prepared. I was ready for a lot of things. I knew by taking that step, I was going to be shunned, temporarily, otherwise, or maybe even ignored altogether.

But, like all good drama soaps, things just didn't turn out the way I expected them. Not that she fell for me like it was a dream come true - for it was a given, and a blatant one at that, that that was improbable, if not, simply impossible. But the thing was, she didn't ignore me, nor shunned me.

Instead, for what it meant to me, she shrugged it off, acknowledging that it was just a joke and I was the big joker. She laughed, and, for her, that was the end of it. Convincing, as much and as hard as I tried, didn't exactly make her change her mind.

And from there, like all good times, and bad, things began to crumble; and I began to get cold feet. Maybe it was simply frustration. Whatever it was, the fact remained. And that was simply gut-wrenching and heartbreaking altogether. I was hanging within an edge of my life with but a thread of hope and she was just laughing it off, shrugging it off. She thought it was all a joke, or maybe yet, she thought that I was the joke. Regrets began to sink in, and the screams came after that. I felt powerless, and I was simply dying inside.

Admittedly, love was, and still is an area where I sucked - and I sucked badly, at that. But even this was just all too much. Stepping up, I lost my ground. I came out of my comfort zone to do something against my better judgment. Out of the stove and into the fire, they say.

And yet she didn't have to be so numb. She could have just slapped me in the face when we met, screamed, shouted, got angry - all that would have just been okay. Laughing it off just drove me insane.

And there were just a lot of things that I didn't know nor could even begin to comprehend. Things began to take on strange and unfamiliar forms. Not knowing where to go, and not knowing what to do is simply something that I've never been accustomed to feeling.

I just feel so bad right now, and I'm not okay at all. I can't concentrate on work; we were supposed to submit a design proposal this January and I haven't exactly started working on that yet because I was too busy thinking up of ideas to surprise her when we meet. But then, I suppose even that is going to be just another joke for her. I fought with a close friend when he made a snide and foolish remark about her, but then she doesn't even care about that, does she?

I'm yapping like a baby, or perhaps, more fittingly yet, like an overgrown chimpanzee who just lost his banana. I always knew I got it bad, and I could swear that I came prepared. But I never expected her to react like that, and much less myself for reacting this way. I mean, I never reacted like this before, but I just don't know where to go from here, nor where to begin. I wish I can just pick things up where I had left off, wake up from a bad dream and then it was business as usual. I drift in my dreams, thinking, or perhaps maybe hoping, that everything would be alright. But that just won't do it.

At this point in the playful and often confusing scheme of things, the only thing that was clear to me was - well - the unclarity of things. Some say I'm simply too pessimistic for my own good. But I don't know; things just aren't looking up. At this point, I don't know if I should quit, but then again, I don't know if I should continue either.

And so the story ends like this

2007-12-13T22:47:00.000+08:00

So what exactly was it that I feared most losing? Was it my ego? My pride? Or is it that I really had nothing to lose, but everything else to gain? Was I going to tread the same path, ultimately growing tired of trudging on after losing my heart in a whirl of love and poetry in the end, or was I ready to take the crucial step to the other side, and see things from an "un-single" perspective?

More questions, as usual.

I suppose it all boils down to decisions. Guts and instincts, they say - and they're not exactly areas where I excel where my love life is concerned. And so, I guess, that what ultimately holds me back is contemplating the fact that it took more than three years to rebuild that friendship - a friendship that I feared, nor perhaps I exactly wanted to risk, losing ever again. It's a tired cliche, but believe me, it's true.

But then again, maybe all this is just an excuse.

And, well, things have changed. Priorities have taken hold, more so than they ever did, and the much sought-after love life inevitably relegates to the proverbial back seat. And she? Well, she starts work soon.

Things, I've learned, will eventually come to pass. Feelings fade; and maybe - I'm hopeful - that I'll be able to hold out until then, and the balloon that holds my emotions together would not come bursting out as it did three years before. Then again, if that were true, then, I wouldn't be writing this, would I?

You'd think after three years that none of what she says and does would stir anything out of the ruthless old self anymore. But she'd text, and even that was enough to make me jump for joy. I had to be dragged to the dinner table last time to get me to eat, and even then, I was holding my phone like it was my new best friend, texting feverishly in between mouthfuls. Had it not been for the fact that she had to sleep early for her classes, then I probably would have been more than eager to stay up well into the ungodly hours of the day. The fact was, the magic is still there.

But another fact was, it didn't change a damn thing. The fact was, I was just another face, on another place, on another time from years ago. Sadly, I was, and I still am, too gutless to make that impression, to do the things that I felt I had to do to make her fall for me the same way I fell for her. Maybe, it was because she never took me seriously. Or maybe, I just never did the things that convinced her to make her take me seriously.

It's a hopeless case, to tell the truth. I swoon over someone who I know is probably never going to share that magic with me. But then again, don't we all?

Eventually, I know, I'll be forgotten. And, I know just as much, that I'm entirely to blame. Risking nothing, I ultimately get nothing in return. But for now, that was alright. I take solace in the fact that if things were to take a turn for the better, then, they eventually, and definitely will.

For now, she didn't need to know that she is my reason, and my sanity, inspite of myself, and inspite of the endless teasings in class with someone that I really didn't like. She didn't need to know that I'd rather be with her for a day than with that someone else for a lifetime. She didn't have to know that she was the only girl who could have ever made my day the way she does. She didn't need to know that even while doing nothing, she was the only one who could make me smile.

And... she didn't need to know that after all these years, I loved her...

And I still do..

Famous Last Words

2007-12-07T16:37:00.000+08:00

"So you like her na noh?"

Someone dropped the question again...

And things were, well, obviously getting out of hand...

WARNING! MATH CONTENT:
The rate with which the number of people who are asking that question is expressed by the equation, Y = Yo * e ^ (k*t)...

Suddenly, the population of the people who teased me grew from just one guy, to well into a quarter of the class... And while the teasing was only reserved to "us guys" before, the person who dropped the bomb earlier today in laboratory class was a she... And that was - I'm afraid - bad news..

Prying eyes have made it a lot tougher to breathe... It was as though people have simply made it a habit- if not a mission- to throw furtive glances once every so often to catch us doing what are really trivial things, and blow them out of proportions... How they interpret those things and turn them into some sort of fairy tale for their amusement (read- inakbayan ko DAW siya kanina) is unbelievably mind boggling...

Not that I'm really that concerned... The things is, none of that is really true... I don't like her, at least, not in the way that they think I like her, and that was that... I'd rather be tied naked to an anthill, basted with honey and drizzled with sugar syrup than act their fantasies...

But the fact was, like all good rumors, that teeny lie was spreading like the proverbial wildfire... And that made it bad...

It's just getting really crazy to put it bluntly... People who have been otherwise oblivious of the rumors are now being misled into thinking the way they want them to think... The thought that one of my closest friend has even asked me whether there was even a shred of truth to that makes me shudder... Oh, the paradox of it all...

And the paradox continues...

Skins

2007-12-01T17:44:00.000+08:00

I warned you didn't I? Give me a few more minutes and I'll scrap this skin again...

Ah, how we shall ever become content is truly unfathomable...

So maybe I wasn't that cheerful to keep the other layout... As to why I allow Kenny G's "The First Noel" to playback for just the umpteenth time is well beyond me...

Meh...

I reckoned after logging out that I needed something more simple for a layout.. This was something I had already used in the past (read- last year) because I fell in love with it the first time I saw it... For the record, I still am...

Nothing much today, really... I've just been too absorbed bloghopping and reading other people's posts that I've virtually forgotten to watch Andrew Zimmern and neglected to study for the EE test this coming Tuesday... Of course, I know I'm only delaying the inevitable...

Six people are online on my messenger, most of them being all too familiar faces... I really want to talk - double posting in a matter of four hours is testament to that - but I don't know what to say, and I have the feeling as if I'm disturbing them (read- the people I ping are either playing or watching anime) so I've given up...

I am waiting for her to come online though, although she's probably invisible to me even if she did. It would be a risky proposition to message her every 20 minutes, hoping that she would be there. I guess I have to be patient and wait for her to, well, make the "wrong" move.

And after that gibberish, I still wonder why I scare some people...

Did I make much sense? Guess not...

Cheers everyone :D

Scare Tactics

2007-12-01T14:26:00.000+08:00

Even when I was far away from my normal self, I continue to scare some people.

Take this humble blog, for example. On the year 240 B.C., the skin grew old with cobwebs before I even considered changing. But now, I change my layout as often as I change my you-know-what (it's called hyperbole, people- go figure), and a cheery-holiday-ish one, at that (we-ell, almost).

All joking aside, however, much of the concern now has resided on the fact that, I, being the master of unflappability, shaman of un-change, and guru of non-attachment, have somehow been more dynamic, if not, more erratic. Much of the teasing then has been reserved to my being aloof (read - masungit) leading to a friendly (or otherwise) "fitting" nickname, as being the "resident Frankenstein"... Kiss Frankenstein goodbye, baby - someone else is in the house.

Admittedly though, I do have been uncharacteristically friendly and cheerful ( and a bit more "cooperative) these past few weeks. I do think that the holiday spirits have finally gotten to me, defeating my own Uncle Scrooge-y self... Why the sudden optimism, you ask? Well that's for a whopper double post for three weeks and four... Like they say in TV, "eeekskluuusiboooo! suuusuunooood!!!" (and I don't watch that, by the way, just to keep the record straight)

All I can say for the more impatient readers out there, is that, for me, this year has been one of the most memorable ones I had in my life... Nothing fancy with how I string my words together, because try as I might, I know I could never put into words what I've been opened to, what I've felt, realized and done... (Read - for a more elaborate post, tune in on the twenty-fifth and thirty first of December, ONLY on, the traaaaaaaaveeeel chaaaaannel...)

... and so I scare more people with cheesiness than with being detached... Go figure...

The Way We Were

2007-11-30T13:53:00.000+08:00

She loved me, she said... Back then, I loved her, too... But things were different now... Fear had killed me... Maybe, there was something else before... But whatever that was remained, and now belonged, to the past... Feelings have been left unspoken for too long, that, my heart, as much as hers, have tired, and numbed...

For now that I think about it, I can't call it love; at least, not anymore... And I know, she feels the same way... Our confessions now did not mean that she still loved me, and I, her... They meant that we have gotten over each other, our presents overriding our guilty minds, and thus purged us of the burden of keeping our emotions to ourselves... We were no longer guilty, to say that we had loved, nor much less afraid, to be rejected... But I was reacquainted with familiar emotions, and it has been so long, that I have forgotten how it felt like when my heart raced every time she looks, and smiles at me; and how it feels to be yanked out by someone out of your egotistical and arrogant self, and love...

Maybe I could have said other things back then, and maybe had that piece of possibility turned into something real, I would be here, before you, writing of other things... And yet, although that regret will give something to do, and something to think about, we know, that it will get me nowhere.. I take solace in the fact that somewhere else, in a place where I was me, but I was not myself, in a parallel world much like our own, things were different... In that world, I loved her, and she loved me too, and we were not afraid to say it when our emotions were something real, and not when they were gone...

Cheerios everyone.. ^^

Random Fandom

2007-11-24T17:09:00.001+08:00

Meh... Just a string of random fandom stuff that I've come to realize over these past few days... Currently working on a whopper post for this December, and I've managed to come through quite well...

Things are unbelievably getting crazier... School life's getting crazier... Quizzes and assignments here, there and everywhere.. Mech's fun though... I'm finally understanding FBD's... AMaths and EE's good too... We don't have any reference materials so I'm forced to listen (but I've resolved to listen anyways)... The only thing that needs more poring over is ECE, because examples are truly limited, and the book becomes a welcome ally...

As soon as I've stopped harboring grudges, things have turned out for the better... I've realized how shallow I really was for getting fussy over things... But then again, I'd give myself a few more days and I'll prolly get mad all over again... But so far, I've become more understanding if you will, and aware of the merits of symbiosis... It's certainly a step up from the hermit within me... The machine has been suppressed..

And I'm falling in love....

Cheers!! Viva la raza!!

C'est La Vie

2007-11-24T16:58:00.000+08:00

She loved me, she said... But between me and the years that whooshed by, I never got the guts to confess any of my feelings ever again... I was afraid, afraid to be shunned and separated from one whom I loved... In some ways, it was the better thing to do... And yet, now, I could have wished I told her too, for better things could have turned out...

Life's sometimes funny... It saps you off of courage amidst all those unrequited years, and suddenly throws a bomb right in your lap, in the form of a message saying how she had felt... But too late...

C'est la vie...

Lessons

2007-11-24T16:35:00.000+08:00

Ngayon ko nare-realize, totoo, wala nga sa grade ang lahat... Wala yan sa dami ng mga unong nahakot mo noon, o sa mga perfect quizzes na nakuha mo ngayon... Siguro, makakakuha ka nga ng mataas na posisyon pagkakuha mo ng trabaho, pero kinalaunan, lalabas at lalabas rin kung ano ka talaga... At iyon ang papatay sa'yo...

Hindi nga batayan ang mga grades sa kung ano ang tao at kung ano ang nalalaman niya... Mas lalong hindi nito nasusukat just what stuff you're made of... Mas importante nga ang puso kaysa talino... Tulad na rin ng nasabi ko noong isang araw, it's how much heart you put in the doing that matters...

Hindi ito excuse, at mas lalong hindi ko sinasabing hindi mahalaga ang grades. Pero life's greatest lessons don't come from books... Totoo iyon...

Random Things

2007-11-15T20:13:00.000+08:00

As I sit here idly, waiting for Trillian to finish downloading, and taking a much needed break from all the mindless reading and highlighting of the salient points of our constitution, I just can't help but blog... I'm a writer too remember?? :))

Sighs... It's just the second week, but gawd, things are smokin'!! Assignments are starting to build up, much to my pleasure so far, but I know eventually things will get to me too... As a matter of fact, I still have two hundred thirteen pages more to highlight on our constitution, and I still have ECE and Mech... Yeehaw!!

School hasn't been the only thing in my life that's getting shaken up... There's been an air of misunderstandings around me lately, one of which involved one of my closer friends, another a former love interest, and another a not-so-close acquaintance... In more ways than one, my patience and ultimately, my resolve, is being put to the test...

And then, there was this contest... To keep it straight, I was supposed to have joined that quizbee, but it was on subjects on my previous term -- the term that I was like flunking all around, and I just thought I was not up to the job... I kinda feel like I've disappointed some of my peers by chickening out at the last moment, but... sighs... This, and the disappointment of another close friend from high school... Sometimes, I just do not know how to cope up... That disappointment of a high school friend has particularly hit me hard though.. She wasn't returning any calls or instant messages, which is like a huge WARNING sign... Add that to the fact that this was my strike two, and hooboy...

Of course, life hasn't been all that bad... I've met a hottie in a seminar I've been to just yesterday, and gawd, she was like... I don't know.. Hahahah... Words just fail me at a time like this... Hehehe...

Yey! Trillian finally finished! :D Gotta get back to work and/or sleep (optional) :P

Cheerios everyone :D

Cuesticks and Classes

2007-11-11T12:06:00.000+08:00

This is just another perfect example of rationalizing:

We all need a break from the hassles of everyday living... Clearly, MMO's were not the answer to that, as I had proven after sessions upon sessions of sore butts and cramming... For crying out loud, I almost failed because of playing them!! The problem with online gaming, and general computer and console gaming, for that matter, was that it is not produtive... You kill so and so monster, get experience, level up and that was it... And what after that? Nothing...

I just thought it was time to take on a more productive hobby... One that would keep me sane through the crazy world... I mean, books day in and day out for everyday of your student life is like, as a song went, "suicidal... suicidal..." :P

So here I am, studying pool stances, grips, strokes, aiming, and what not... Yes... I decided to wield the powerful cue stick once again!! :)) Hello pool world!!!

End of Rationalization!
_________________________________________________________________

Meh.. Nothing really new... I was supposed to play the part of the Mayor of Townsville in the variety show, but after much deliberation, I really did not think I looked anywhere near him, so I scrapped the idea... Despite that, the week still somehow promises to be one heck of a truck load as it assumes one with so much activities and preparations.. In fact, I have no way to go to the contest of a dear friend as all hands shall be on deck for this week... If you are reading this, I'm really terribly sorry...

Professors all seem to be okay... And subjects which I have unintentionally, or otherwise, failed to concentrate on (aka neglected) the last few semesters have made comebacks as if to redeem me (Physics 1 by Sir Lopez, Differential Equations by Sir Viloria and ECE 1 by Sir Weng come to mind)... But seriously, I am quite relieved that I have some chance of redemption, because I really thought that lost the opportunity to learn what has to be learned... It's just too bad that Sir Vicerra arranged the class alphabetically, which meant that having bad eyesight, and the letter T for the first letter of your surname, equated to a death sentence.. Still, I promise to do some reading on Boylestad to compensate...

Anyhoo, still have some things to do for class... Just took a much needed break (I wish we had a pool table ) :P

Cheerios everyone :D

Heart of Stone

2007-11-08T19:48:00.000+08:00

It was, as it were, the rise of the machines; and that was, the machine within me... There really is nothing like dropping a bomb to remind her that she really did not know what she was dealing with, and just what she had lost... Whatever doubt, or uncertainty had crossed through my consciousness a few days back had since been utterly obliterated.. And it feels good...

One thing I realized today, as I pondered quietly while I walked my way home, was that it wasn't the people who we loved that had the capacity to hurt us.. Rather, it is the individual himself... Even if people talked crap or whatever, we cannot be affected if we never allowed it... Remember the famous line? "Nobody can hurt you without your consent." It could not have been better said...

One thing that my two mentors, Sir Mark and Sir Bruce always tried to instill upon me, was to always keep your emotions in check... They said that human emotions are both our greatest assets and liabilities... When we allow them to get out of hand, we can get dangerous... I just think it was time to cast my heart with stone, unfeeling for the negative, and appreciative of the positive... And I quote Sir Bruce, "Do not be attached, nor detached.. But rather be non-attached..."

For whatever it was worth, I have let go of all the anger that erupted within me.. For it was time... There was no point in getting angry at that, because by doing so, I only make her feel that she was important... And she was not...

It is said, count your blessings... And that I'll do... Because there's just a whole looooot more people who deserve my time and appreciation than some punked-up-princess-wanna-be...

Hahahaha... So much for someone who wanted to keep his emotions in check... :p

___________________________________________________________________
DETAILED HORRORSCOPE YESTERDAY:
ARIES:
Minsan, kung magsalita ang tao, akala mo, sila lang ang marunong masaktan... na sila lang ang marunong magsakripisyo... Samantalang pare-pareho lang naman ang binubuhos nating panahon at paghihirap... Nababawasan ang oras namin, KO, para sa ibang commitments, na kung tutuusin, hindi hamak na mas importante sa akin kaysa sa iyo... Ano ang gusto mo? Mag-fe-fetch ng stick para sa iyo, and roll over like a dog for you? Sambahin ka namin dahil iyon ang gusto mo? Cut us some slack naman... Sino nga ba sa atin ang may karapatang ma-disappointed?

___________________________________________________________________
DETAILED HOROSCOPE TODAY:
LIBRA:
Last time mo nang magagalit ngayong gabi... Pagkatapos nun, wala na... You're calmer, more solemn, and definitely more focused... Count your blessings... Huwag mong sirain ang buhay mo sa galit at inis, dahil mas marami pang importanteng bagay kaysa sa mga taong hindi marunong tumanaw ng utang na loob... Do not brood over just one person... Marami ka pa ring TOTOONG kaibigang nakaalalay sa iyo... Marami pang dahilan para ngumiti.. ^^

Cheerios everyone! A new Dexter is born! :D

Tagtuyot

2007-11-02T20:28:00.000+08:00

Hahaha nagiging madada na ko, palatandaang nagiging anxious na ko para sa nalalapit na pagbubukas ng klase... Excited na ako, pero kahit na alam kong focused ako, alam ko ring iba talaga kapag alam mong hindi mo na mapipigil pa ang panahon kapag nagsimula na ang lahat... Handa na nga ba talaga ako?

Isang bangungot ang nakalipas na semestre... Tulad nga ng nasabi ko sa isa kong kaibigan, parang nakaranas kaming lahat, lalo na ako, ng tila isang tagtuyot, na para bang kahit na alam mong binibigay mo na nga ang lahat, parang kulang pa rin at hindi umaabot ang grades mo sa passing... Sana, sana nga, hindi na mangyari ulit iyon...

Hahahah pagpasensyahan niyo na kung laging paputol putol ang mga posts ko... Hindi lang talaga masyadong organisado ang aking isip ngayon...

Hanggang sa muli! Cheerios! :D

Start of School

2007-11-02T16:45:00.000+08:00

In a lot of ways, I felt as though I had failed... It felt as if, even though I had passed, it was simply because luck had been on my side... Would lightning strike twice if I had done what I had again??

It just wouldn't cut it anymore... Things had to change; I had to change....

But the problem was simple... Me...

I always resolve to do better at the start of every semester and yet I always bumble during the run... Guess you'd call it ningas kugon...

Sighs... Just a trend that I started to notice... A bit mad at myself really...

School starts in three days, six hours and forty seven minutes.... I really hope I can stay focused this time... God be with me...

Cheerios everyone.. :D

Change

2007-11-01T19:58:00.000+08:00

At the end of the day, I was convinced, that whatever change I had gone through a few months back, was, and definitely had been for the better..

It was funny, in that the popular choices do not always necessarily constitute the correct ones... To be honest about it, in fact, the choices that almost everyone agrees upon is usually the one that is will lead you to evil..

Somehow, I was reassured that the resolutions that I had made during the course of this break will be as well... At least I'll hope so...

Short but sweet...

Cheerios everyone... A happy Halloween to you all.. ^^

Prelude

2007-10-11T17:37:00.000+08:00

Soon, the tables will be tidied, the letters piled, and the pictures tucked away... But we will always have Paris -- our Paris -- the moment existing only upon itself, frozen in time, forever etched and marked in our memories, all of us Rick's and Ilsa's as it were.

As I prepare to go on my way, I sit among these people, remembering how I tried to hide myself, conceal my emotions and live in my own shell.. I'll remember how, for the most part, I have inevitably shared my life with them -- we giggled, cried, ranted, played, lived, loved... As I moved my eyes across all too familiar faces, faces that I have grown to seeing the past two years, I wonder whether this was the last time I'll ever be with them in the same room, and whether in a matter of weeks, they will be familiar faces no more...

The ride has been fun... True, there were more bumps and dead ends that I've come across this past few months than I ever cared to count... It was also during these months that I got angry over a lot of things, to a lot of people, brooded and ranted much more than I ever did before... But wouldn't you concede that it is undeniably when times are roughest that we as individuals learn the most?

I understood what it meant to survive, how it felt to cram, and run after grades. I experienced the feeling of doubt, of uncertainty, and that has reminded me that within me was in fact the greatest pillar and wall a man could ever have... I went through the pitfalls of having groupmates who did not prioritize responsibilities, and experienced how I, myself, failed to set goals and got failing marks as a result. I experienced how it felt like to know that passing a subject meant keeping your wits about you during examinations, trying not to cave in to the pressure of knowing that my success depended upon that fateful quiz...

Whether all these lessons that I've learned will get me through to the next semester is something that I no longer have a control over. It is at these times that I wish that I was able to set up extra points at the early goings to avoid having to dread for my grades... And yet, it is too late... I could not even say that I did my best this finals at the subjects where I teetered dangerously over the edge... I find it ironic that I am hanging in EE and ECE, the two subjects which are in fact, my field's bread and butter...

To say that I am not afraid to fail is an utter lie, but I fear not for myself, but for how mom and dad would take it... I can't begin to tell you how much of a burden it is at times, when your parents expect a lot from you, as you are their only child... It is a curse, when people think that you are infallible and snide at you when you say that you are failing with sheer disbelief... I am a lot of things, but a genius kid, much less a god as others feign to think of me, are not among them...

I dunno... I remember a particular time when a friend of mine once asked me why I didn't take up literature, and I was unable to answer... Since then, I was haunted by the question of why I am actually here...

When I was a kid, I wanted to take up veterinary medicine although I could barely pronounce the word back then... I wanted to be an "animal doctor" because I loved animals... As I started high school, I considered taking literature courses, as I was so in love with poetry... During third year, I wanted to open my own restaurant as I loved to cook... I'll always wonder how I ended up in engineering, although I could remember mom prodding me to take engineering as I was "good" in math and science...

I wonder if I made the right choice... If maybe I should have done something else, took up another course, as I never really was interested in computers and electronics... Not that I blame mom, or am I making myself an excuse to justify why I am failing.. I guess in the end, I wanted to prove that I could do it because a lot of people believed in me... Now I ask myself, was I wrong?

I'll always hope in my heart of hearts, that I will pass... And yet if I should fail, then this would not be the end -- no, not mine...

I have never been one for resolutions, for resolves, as I was the man who projected a fierce facade that masked a weak soul... And yet, for the sake of these tough times, I will...

Regardless of success or failure, I resolve to dream bigger, aim higher, and work harder... I resolve to give my responsibilities utmost attention.. I resolve to focus, to concentrate, to digest what has to be read... I resolve not to procrastinate, and to spend time on what was important first before spending time playing, watching tv, or surfing the internet... I resolve to understand the basic things about electronics and electricity, to read on amplifiers and zener diodes and everything in between... I resolve to do everything such that I would be able to give mom and dad everything they wanted when I started work... I resolve to be a man, always burning with passion in study, in work, and in life...

I'll remember all the moments, the doubts, the sadness, and the people; and in turn, I want to be remembered as the man who never quitted, who fought to the end even when things were at their bleakest... I want to be remembered as the man who recognized that life was not always pretty but lived with it...

I end this post with a beautiful quote from Anthony Bourdain of No Reservations:

"It isn't always comfortable. Sometimes it hurts. It even breaks your heart. But that's okay. The journey changes you; it should change you. It leaves marks on your memory, on your consciousness, on your heart and on your body. You take something with you. Hopefully you leave something good behind."

Viva la raza! Cheers everyone... Thank you for the memories... :')

Raindrops

2007-10-03T15:56:00.000+08:00

Sa lilim ng mga raindrops ako'y tumigil
Tila tears ko ring pumapatak.
Parang bang nakiisa ang canopy ng langit
Sa aking pagdadalamhati.
Sinamahan nila sa aking solitude
Sa sandali para makapagreflect
At quietly na makapag-isip
Sa gitna ng napakahectic na buhay,
Habang pinagmamasdan ang pagbalot
Na tila bang may mataimtim na aura
At kung paano sila mag-trickle
At dampian ang pagod at melancholy.
Sa isang kamay ang wasak na umbrella
That I've decided to do away with,
Tinahak ko ang deserted na daan
Ako lamang at ang ulan.

___________________________________

Meh... Just something that, while may not exactly be totally appealing, is a different pace for the usual ol' me... This is an extreme play of words... something that the typical teenage Pinoy is familiar with doing, although arguably not to the same intensity..

This is far from being a parody of course... For the record, I love it when it rains (excluding of course, the storm surges and flash floods that follow), and found it apt to write something about my general unadulterated feelings when it rains... It was nice to walk last Saturday, soaking wet, with generally nothing but me and the sky... Gave me a nice time to quiet myself from the very very busy world that life has thrown my way.... Heheh..

Anyways, still a lot to do: stat report, ece report, ee lab manual, me take home quiz, stat quiz and de quiz.. What a busy weekend... Sighs...

Cheers everyone :D

Rants

2007-09-28T16:14:00.001+08:00

The weeks have been getting increasingly exasperating... I've been barraged with paperwork lately that my leisure time has been effectively cut off to a tenth of the time that I used to have for myself... Sighs... Not that I'm complaining about it.. I love this feeling of sweet busy-ness ( I was supposed to say business but thought it sounded wrong).. Still I suppose I deserve a well earned break, after working myself out this past week...

Examinations count is on an all time high... AC analysis quiz on Tuesday, BJT DC bias and stablization the day after, Poisson and Normal Distribution on Friday, plus Laplace, Legendre and Cauchy Euler on Saturday... Plus, a theoretically possible Ideal Gas quiz on Saturday...

If that wasn't enough, submission of the research proposal on superconductors, and of the interpretations of another study... Preparations for the LED oral report, both written and powerpointed... What's there not to be happy about life?? ^^

We were supposed to have judgment day all over again with the ECE test, but lo! Due to popular demand, the test was postponed till next Wednesday... Sighs... Leaves me with more time to brood and calculate my chances I suppose.. C'est la vie...

Next Tuesday officially marks our final regular week actually, so that's not really much of a surprise... After that, and the finals that follow, plus the oral report on a semiconductor of fate's choosing, and it's another well deserved sem break.. I sure hope everyone passes... For the record, no one is out of the woods yet, and this is, hands down, the most demanding sem of all...

Rumors have been running rampant about our block not being a block anymore next semester... Sighs.. I know I've complained about some of my irresponsible and feeling-close classmates before, but the whole class?? Guess it's for the best...

Nothing much really to say.. Guess I needed to rant a bit about life in general... Deeper posts will come soon.. After racking my brains for English, it's just hard to focus... We'll get to that some time...

Til then.. Cheers ^^

The Way We Were

2007-09-21T16:35:00.000+08:00

He smiled to them, but deep inside him were tears that welled up for so long, uncried, and unshed; and no one knew. For he came in, as always, clad, powerful and unfazed in stature. After all, this was how everyone expected him to be. But this was not who he was inside. He was tired, but he was not allowed to rest. He had to be their wall although he was crumbling within. Not that he was not normally so; he had loved to be independent, focused. But a point of weakness comes to everyone's lives, and that was his.

Where exactly did he stand? How much has he gained through the miles that he walked? And in turn, what has he lost? What does the road ahead have in store for him? Or was this the end of the road? Has he walked too much, seen too much, and hurt too much? Has he tasted what life really was, and felt how it was to really be alive? Just what has he done in the way to be at peace when Death would come to take him away? Knowing that life has given him something, just what has he left behind?

These were two faces of the same man... rhetorical, yet papercut... motivated, yet destroyed... and this was his unsung story of old...

But it was over now... It is, after all, the advent of a new beginning, and he had to leave all the bitterness, the grudge, the doubts, and the sorrows behind...

"For that was his moment of loneliness, but there are other emotions in the world, and he wanted to experience them as well..." It couldn't have been better said...

Cheers everyone! ^^

Dead Level

2007-09-04T18:28:00.001+08:00

What do my resignations make me? Does it make me smart, drawing lines when lines had to be drawn? Or does it make me a loser, giving up on just about anything when things betrayed even the slightest glint of difficulty?

And so I ask myself, is it just that I am simply fighting the losing battle? Or is it just that I should have just tried to cross lines rather than draw them?

Maybe, this is the very essence of life -- to fall into a pit, be brought to your knees, and yet still having the guts to stand up, and learn to never fall onto the same pit again. Standing up makes us brave; and staying up teaches us to be strong. In the end, it is this, that is the bane, and joy simply to be human.

Indeed things are very different now. But I have to live with life, cope up, and try to stay alive. Everything is pointing to failure, but let's see if we can't make a little magic. It's pass, or die trying. There is very little to lose, and perhaps everything to gain. Let's see if this flame holds up until after I see my grades.

Maybe, life, and not death, is the greater leveler after all.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Unfortunately, I still haven't seen my grades yet. Judgment day has since been extended indefinitely. Sheesh talk about mind games... I sure hope I can still keep my wits about me until then. Sighs.

The second quiz WAS distributed last week though, and sadly, I failed that too, although by a teeny margin that I am really hoping my prelims would save. I still have my fingers crossed.

Oh well, I still have to study for DE and Stat... Toodles everyone. ^^

Doubts

2007-09-03T14:02:00.000+08:00

Things have changed, but I have simply not changed with them. The times have gotten tougher, but my mind seems to drift from a state of half death and half awakedness, my focus drifting in and out, once being so intense, and thereafter dull. It is as if my brain is in suspended animation, preserved in a jar of freezing jell-o, biding its time until it has to, well, be in suspended animation no more.

I sure as hell hope that it has done biding its time, for although my hands have solved just the umpteenth equation, my eyes read the gazillionth word, and my forehead wrinkled with as much concentration I dare muster without losing consciousness, I am still drawing a blank. And you know it's bad when the unflappable old self decides to forgo good ol' fashioned English and come sup with words like jell-o and uses papercut irony to make my point.

And the point is I am failing... badly. I've never ever remembered when my butt was handed to me in a plate since Sir De Vera did in Physics on our first sem during our fourth year. But even then, at about the dawn of the -ber months, I was already prancing away like Santa's reindeer as I knew I was well on the way to recover. Things don't look as good now as it did then. For possibly the first time ever in my life, and hopefully the last, I'd have to say that I think I am not going to make it through the semester.

I really don't know what it is I'm doing wrong. Maybe it's easy to lay a finger and say that, hey, I'm wasting so much time in front of the monitor nowadays at Argent or Shaitan, and that is a good two-three hours that I could have spent going over notes, or reading some chapters of BJT's, FET's and what not. But meh.. With some of my views changed, realizing some things which I shall discuss in a later post, it is no longer my cup of tea to drown myself in a flurry of words and variables and constants. Of course, I still need to pass. Sighs.

Wish me luck on Wednesday.. That's when I know I'll pass or fail... Hopefully it's not fail.

Cheers everyone.

Swings

2007-08-02T17:42:00.002+08:00

Getting back on track, really... I know it sounds arrogant, but after weighing down everyone with a heavy dose of hopelessness, I simply found it apt to come back with a post that told everyone who cared that I was alright... We-ell, admittedly, I've made a few careless blunders here and there, but that hasn't been enough to get me down lately.. Dunno... I'm in a rampaging mood lately, and nothing and nobody has been anywhere near close of breaking my spirit...

That same "rampaging mood" has had its costs though... Lately, I find myself snapping to everything and everyone that was too brash to cross me, complaining a lot again on things I promised I'd never complain about again.. Yeah, I know, that I'm not supposed to, what with that fateful post a good two months ago... But I don't know... Call it "mood swings"; happy in a minute, angry at the next... I can't say that they didn't deserve it though; I'd personally find it most queer if I got angry at them if they didn't do anything stupid... I guess they just crossed me at the most inopportune time, too cocky to think that I was someone who was never going to bite or bark back.. Cross me, you won't, else I'll cross you more... Lolz ^^

Meh... It's really been a hodgepodge of emotions, swings here and there.. It's just been a hectic month is all... I've never remembered any time when I was this pressured to do better... My family expects a lot from me, and I expect even more from myself... I guess it's normal... Nobody would like to fail... But failure is success if we learn from it... And I daresay I learned quite a lot this past month.... And for that I am grateful...

Cheers everyone ^^

Battle Cry

2007-07-14T15:23:00.000+08:00

Despite every reservation, every sacrifice, every minute spent trying to understand pressure heads, vacuum gages, work functions, intrinsic concentrations and what-not, somehow I still find myself picking up the pieces of my failure, and trying to make sense of something that just doesn't...

These are rough days... tough times... It is never easy to express just how shattering it is for one to have prepared so much for a battle, and yet lose it... But at this point in my life, I suppose that it IS too early to dictate the pace of the war, much less to even dream nor think of even giving up... What was that phrase? Fall down seven times; rise up eight...

Quite honestly, I'd lost my esteem... But to know that there are a lot of people who have much more faith in me than I do myself, somehow, I know that although my feet are sore from walking a thousand miles, I have to go on... And for as long as I can draw breath, I will never give up... This is my promise to them, who have given me the courage to go on... My friends, thank you... ^^

... and the adventure continues... ^^

Cheers everyone...

Oasis

2007-07-11T17:09:00.000+08:00

For a while, I hesitated... I knew what it took to take me out of that jungle, and yet my judgment was clouded by my longing for pleasure...

For the past few weeks, and for the first time in quite some time, I had doubts.. uncertainties... I failed tests, got sub-par grades... I no longer knew whether I should be here.. Not that I didn't have my fair share of doubts before.. But way back then, I always felt that I would eventually be able to transcend my limits.. It was just that this time around, the pull of temptation was so strong... Over the course of the past few days, I was not so sure.. Who I am, and where I am, and where the road will take me had I followed it.. It was somehow all vague.. Somehow, for someone who has always tried to look beyond, take plans before making a step, I knew that this time, I should allow someone else, someone who knows where it begins, and where it ends, and all the roads, much less, my own, to take the wheel...

But even then, even when I've given all that I am to the hands of our Loving Father, even when I know that His are the best hands that I could ever hope to lay my life on, I was filled with anxieties... To be clear at the outtake, it was not a matter of whether I trusted God; it was more of a matter if I trusted myself...

But now I realize I knew the answer all along... I knew what caused all that... With the self same decision that brought me to where I am now, it was yet another choice... I knew that I just had to define my priorities... It was just a matter of accepting that IT was the answer, and all I needed to do was to set the record straight, of accepting the fact that at the end of the day, this was not what I wanted... This was no where near fulfillment... I realize my goals needed defining...

I guess it was a short stint... a mirage... a false path to acceptance... But I realize now that I never really had to try to change anything of me to be accepted nor do I had to keep up with what they did, hang out virtually, when we had a test the following day and my grades suffered and I fared dismally... If that was the price I had to pay in order to have "friends", then I guess I'd rather be a hermit... It's not that I'm going back to my dark side, nor is it that I've gone back to being an apathetic being for whatever that is worth... On the contrary, as far as everyone else is concerned, I could have only wished that I had gone to this side sooner... It's just that maybe, just maybe, this is yet another one of the many kinds of selfishness, and I'm more concerned with my own well being and my own dreams than trying to fit in...

It is not an easy thing to put this hodgepodge of emotions into words... I know for a fact that I have changed a great deal in a span of one month... I've lost my temper only once for thirty days, when back then I could barely stand to keep my mouth shut in thirty seconds.. I do know for a fact, as well, that there is still a great deal left in me to change and improve... But this?? This facet of my character is not something, at least in my estimation, that I need to change...

Who we are, and what we are is entirely up to us... We could follow others, watch them lead us to mirage after mirage, but at one point or another, we will find ourselves hopelessly lost, our identities shrouded with masks and lies... It was fortunate that I realized that in the end, I guess it was a matter of responsibility, and not one of friendship...

Sidewalk

2007-06-14T20:55:00.000+08:00

Maybe, happiness never really had anything to do with others after all, and we were meant to be alone... Maybe, being happy simply meant that you were cool with who you really are, regardless of what others say and think about you... Maybe, the essence of our very lives is simply appreciating life for what it really is... Maybe, we were never meant to love everyone we meet... Maybe, it is simply giving respect where it's due... Maybe, we were never really meant to take crap from anyone... Maybe, it is seeing beyond the imperfections, but knowing that they're still there...

Or maybe, just maybe, solitude is happiness... Maybe this side of the sidewalk is my paradise..

The view from this side has been spectacular thus far. There are a lot of things to be happy about, and indeed I am happy... Everyday, I wake up to a new morning, but I've never lost the reason to smile for the same sun that shines for me, the same wind that calms me, the same birds that sing for me... It IS a wonderful world...

Yet, somehow, the crowd daunts me... I fear them... I fear totally losing myself... Maybe, this fear is unfounded, unfounded as for someone who has been reborn... But with the self same freedom by which I have chosen to live again, I think it's best for now to just watch them from afar... It is a choice that I do not think by any means I will regret...

Live and let live, I suppose... As a great mentor of mine once said, "Neither be attached nor detached, but rather be non-attached... Let the emotions rise, watch them, and then let them go" I intend to take that lesson by heart...

To be honest, so far, there has been minimal success.. I've tripped, I've stumbled, and I've fallen, and all this after my emotions were all riled up.. And yet, for someone who has just begun to take this road, I have high hopes... I have reason to believe that life is a continuous process of living, dying, and living again... Maybe, a phoenix's beauty comes not from just being reborn once, but from being reborn hundreds of times...

We are all phoenixes, waiting to be reborn...

******************************************************************
School has been great so far... Currently in the "live and let live" mantra.... We've been given quite a load of lectures and materials to read right off the bat, which, is rather uncharacteristic of our profs... But we-ell there we are... We're dealing with the big guns now, the top salt.. the thing that would actually define who we are... We have five, yes five, majors this sem... Four units of electric circuits, four on electronic devices and circuit design, three units on differential equations, two on statistics, and three on thermodynamics... We have two minors too, three units of taxation and agrarian reform, and three units of english... Can't say I'm not daunted... I'd have to say I'm genuinely scared, and I suppose, all fired up to do my best... and not "best" as in having a 1.25 grade or flat one or being a dean's lister... I realized that having grades like that don't mean anything for me... Because I got 1.25 in both integral calculus and physics last sem but I've completely forgotten everything from then!!! Which is why I'm more concerned this time to really LEARN something, and not only LEARN but RETAIN what I've learned... Which, admittedly, is going to be a pretty darned tall order... BUT I can do it... I WILL do it... (all psyched up!)

That is why, contrary to what I've promised, I'm probably not going to be able to update as much as I initially said... In fact, this may very well be, the last post in quite a short while... I do promise to come back this October to tell you everything, but as to what would go on in between June and October, I can't say for sure... However, rest assured that I'll still be online and available for IM every Saturday and Sunday afternoons and Monday evenings... Just ping me even though you don't see me, cos chances are, I'm just invisible... ^^ and for those who would care, I'm at our university's Central Library every Thursday from 12 noon to about 1:30pm at the second floor, just in case you happen to need to see me personally... ^^

As for anything else, I'll keep you posted when I do find the time to do so...

Til then.. Cheers! Solo Dios Basta! ^^

Legends

2007-06-07T14:49:00.000+08:00

I've always said that I've been through a lot... that I've been through hell, back, and maybe even back again... but that day... that day was like nothing I've ever seen before...

It's been almost a year to the date, but I could still remember it vividly... Jets crisscrossed in the sky, their engines roaring loudly as they whooshed by, and their figures casting silhouettes in the orange sky... For a moment, it was somewhat beautiful, even majestic, as they slowly disappeared into the distance... then...

BOOM!

The airport was bombed...

BOOM!

What took a year or so for a lot of hardworking people to build took just ten seconds to come crashing and crumbling down...

Amidst the bombings, faint gunshots could also be heard...

and then...

plain, crisp silence...

And as the skies exchanged its cloak of orange and red for one of purple and black, I could still see orange flickers from where the bombings had taken place...

but I wasn't there... nor did I give it much thought back then... I was arrogant and egocentric.. It was only last night as I watched the documentary about it did tears slowly began to trickle down my face... It changed my life forever...

For it broke my heart... no... it crushed me... and there was just this undeniable sadness that pervaded every fiber of my being... for it is a fate that I'd never even dream to wish on my enemy... It was a fate that nobody deserves...

and I realize now how lucky I am, how selfish I truly was to always think about what I felt, and what others did to me... I realize now that life has truly been gracious to me all these years; and I just can't even begin to comprehend what I was bitching about all these years... Because it could have been me... Yes I could say I could have been born in a better place, in a better time, but my life certainly could have been a lot worse... I could have been born in Lebanon, or Iraq, or South Africa, where lives were lost to war, to drought, to famine, to sickness... But I am here... and it may not be the best, but I go to school, I eat three square meals a day, I have people who love me... The simple truth that I wake up everyday to a new morning, able to fulfill my dreams, and share myself with others, when others cannot... The simple fact that the people who lost their lives would have given everything to stay alive, to be in my place... The fact that they would probably have made this world a much better place to live in... It certainly is enough to smile everyday, to celebrate and be thankful for...

I have rarely been so emotional, so worked up, so sentimental, but every bit of reality just seemed to come crashing down on me... the reality that it could have been me- the one who experienced all the uncertainty, the doubts of "will I still be alive tomorrow?", or "will I have the opportunity to thank the people that I love?"... the reality that I am not the only person in this world that I have the slightest of right to bicker and whine about every little thing that doesn't go my way... the reality that a lot of people have really been through hell and back a million times... and they never complained...

The choice to be happy has always been mine; the choice to make my life a fairy tale with a happy ending... and I guess I could choose to stay on the road that I took, weigh down the world with hatred and pessimism, and continue looking at the world through the eyes of a cynic... But I think that it's finally time to be reborn, time to look at the world from the other side, through the eyes, this time, of a passionate and happy heart, and in the grace and mercy of the Lord, our God...

Life is what you make of it.. and I'm going to make mine a blessing...

God is great... Cheers everyone...

Return

2007-06-07T13:53:00.000+08:00

Well wouldn't you know it? Guess who's back? ^^ I suppose I couldn't leave after all... Writing has, and always will be my passion.. ^^ Be updating real soon... God bless ^^

Ramblings

2007-04-24T15:07:00.000+08:00

Nope.. Definitely not that mumbo-jumbo sort of hate-mail-ish type of post you'd come to expect of good ol' Dex... I find doing to that sort of thing to be most unhealthy.. It just isn't practical..

With that being said, I'm still that old geezer who's going to rant your heads off like there's no tomorrow (now we're talking! ^^)

I have been meaning to update this poor old dusty shell of a blog I have for weeks.. But I just wasn't up to the job I suppose... I wanted to do a whole heck of a lot of things... What was that phrase? So much to do, so little time.. Anyhoo, I found filling in to be inevitable at the very least so here I am chugging away at the keyboard.. Sadly though, I may very well be abandoning ship sometime soon; maintaining this old mess proves to be a tad time consuming, if not tedious, work.. What's more, I find that the people who ARE visiting, I also talk to through SMS or IM, whether justt recently or since the Triassic ages.. meh... not even close to my target of 100 posts.. oh well... c'est la vie...

I've been finding it harder and harder to hold on to the old guys and gals.. Of course there's still Jo and Sze who I sometimes talk to over IM (and who's probably reading this too, HULLO there ^^) and Liz, who at the very least, I still exchange quotes with... And then there's like another four or five people who do too, and mind you, they're not exactly the ones who I thought was going to at least make the effort to make the friendship work despite the distance.. Dunno, maybe I'm just this guy who valued high school memories too much that I'm finding it somewhat annoying that I feel like everyone's just moving on with their lives without me... I mean, just how hard is it to send something to let me know that you're still alive, no? The ones who I've worked with "behind the scenes"... the people who I've devoted my afternoons to once... the ones who I treated just as if they were my sibling... the people who I've shared the same passion for food and song... Somehow, it's all so surreal... It's as if I just knew them once, but I no longer do.. With that being said, of course, I am not going to pretend that I'm this good guy who's giving everything to keep the friendship alive... I suppose part of this has also been my undoing... For me not to have attended just "one of the most important events in their life" is plainly unforgivable... I wish I was this kid who had his way that time, for God knows just how much I really wanted to go.. But then I wasn't that kid.. Je ne regrette rien... You can't always have your way I suppose... If you had, life would be boring... I just wonder for how much longer some of the people I still have will stay.. Sighs...

And you know what's even funnier? It's that not so long ago, you would have given everything just to be able to talk to some person and yet she never was there.. But now you find that you've been bumping into her more often and yet you don't want to talk to her at all... Fate... Zut alors! And no, I'm not being bitter... I guess it's just that I realize just how fragile everything was after all... I was this kid who was hard to open at first, but was wacky and insane after a bit of nudging and prodding... I'm a fool after all.. Anyhoo, that's that... No amount of regret can bring it back... The case? Simply irrevocable.. I'd be a bigger fool if I'd let that get into my head.. But allow me to say, I was happy, really happy to have them once...

Anyways, now that that's out of the way, allow me to say, that my friendster account is already defunct, so I may just have to subscribe again.. This goes specifically to Sze, who wants me to create a testimonial for her (a lenghty one at that).. So a little bit of patience goes a long way... P.S. Can't I just send it to you through your mail?? (Desperation ^^)

Anyhoo, I'm testing the waters a little bit.. I'm still a bit allergic to opening my blog, but I guess I have to try.. Besides there never was solid proof that the viruses do come from here.. Innocent until proven guilty, I say...

Til then my avid readers.. ^^ You may very well find an update sometime very soon if everything goes well... Else, well, goombye blogging..

Cheers ^^

EDIT: meh, seeing that noone is actually updating their blogs anymore, I think its also time for me to follow suit.. to put it simply, this IS my last entry in this blog... hehehe.. oh well... I'll be online almost everyday from 3-5pm this summer so you can just catch me there ^^ as for school days... well I think 8 to 10 pm would be a good bet ^^ ciao my readers.. the ride was fun.. ^^

My Way

2007-02-12T10:54:00.000+08:00

What a start of year. I apologize for not having been able to post a little earlier.. I want to thank those who have expressed their concern about my recent breakdown insofar as my ego was concerned...

All is well now though.. I realized I didn't have to please anyone at all... Anyone for that matter... I guess I have given up the truth for those I tried to please.. Now, IT'S MY TURN... I'm gonna start living for MYSELF.. in MY terms... and as a song that I've found to suit this situation very well goes, "There ain't no use in holding on cos nothing stays the same..." and if living for myself is what I'm guilty of, go on and sentence me, I'd still be free.. ^^ And to you, naysayers?? I've got two words for you: SCREW YOU!!!

On another note, it has been a very very busy week.. and it doesnt end there. I still have a busy week ahead of me..

This is what my itinerary last week looked like:
1. LTS: Outreach program in Tarlac
2. Physics: Project: Prototype 3-C1A-3F2.5 == Air cannon... Nozzle length, approx 2 meters... Projectile: Jackstone... Firepower: Pump... Maximum achieved velocity?? 50 meters per second.. Whopper... And thats just 40 psis!! HAHAHA.. sorry for the braggy part... Can't help but be proud.. Of course it was a group work and I don't take the credit... Not at all.... I'm just happy with the results is all....
3. English: THESIS SUMMARY.. ZOMG!!!!
4. Filipino: Readouts for the Research paper on "How Filipinos are coping up with increasing demands for oil by using alternative fuels"
5. Psych: Report on Gardner's theory on multiple intelligence
6. Integral: Tests on method of integration.. OODLES of assignment on solids of revolution. (YUM!)

This is what my itinerary for the week looks like:

1. Engineering week: Banner making
2. Seminars on Wednesday and Thursday
3. Shoots for the "Pandaren Chef" ( an obvious spoof to the famous IRON CHEFS that I love so much).. Theme ingredient: RICE I still don't know what to cook by the way... I'm thinking of rice croquettes, pilaf, and posh rice pudding though ^^
4. Filipino: Prewriting and Actual writing (hopefully) of the aforementioned research paper
5. Integral: Even more delightful bundles of assignments on circular disks, polar curves, cylindrical shells, and washers + derivation of the equation of solids (i.e. frustum of cone, sphere etc) (YUMYUM)
6. Physicslab: Post lab (series / parallel connection + ammeter + voltmeter + resistors = YUM)\
7. Physics: Electric fields, field lines, Kirschoff's law, Ohm's law,
8. LTS: workfolder= uploading lotsa pics over dial up (lotsa luck!!)
9. Programming: Machine problem on Parallel Dynamic Arrays (C++)
10. Downloading: iron chef ost
11. Shoots for movie trailers and/ or commercial for ORALCOM
12. optional: GHOST RIDER on Wednesday (yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhaaaw) and jumong (dvd) IF MY SCHED loosens up a bit. YEAH RIGHT

Got sick twice in a span of just 7 days.. My cold has been around for more than half a month now.. And I still feel a bit hot even as we speak..

Don't take it that I'm complaining though... In fact, I'm enjoying every minute of it.. All kidding aside... It's as if someone lit a fire under my butt and I've been growing more focused... Line of 9's across the board for prelims!! That was a shocker more than anything else... I've pretty much contented myself the last two terms with lines of 7's and 6's.. Blamed my profs for it...

Speaking of which, the LTS thing has enlightened me a lot though, I now realize how hard it is to be a teacher.. I'll post about my experiences some other time if my sched would permit me... In a sentence, I'll just have to say that LEARNING IS A TWO WAY PROCESS, and that it depends just as much on the learner as it does on the teacher... Efforts should be exerted from both sides.. It doesnt help if you have a degree adorned "5 star" (in our jargon) prof but the learner simply plays dota all day.... The student HAS to fill in on the deficiencies of the prof, and NOT everything you learn SHOULD come from the teacher.. (So that was more than one sentence; sue me ^^)

Guess what I'm trying to say in three words, is that I'M LOVING IT. Im loving my life, and I'm fat, busy but happy... To those people who say that happiness comes from other people.. F-U!! Happiness lies only within oneself.. You say you may have all the money in the world but you still can be lonely.. I'd agree to that.... But those who insinuate that we have to be constantly with others to be happy, that he's not happy without his friends/ girlfriend/ whatever.. Pshhhh.. You may have all the world bowing at your feet, you may think they sympathize with you, but in the end, the only people you can rely on is yourself, and the Almighty God.... They know you when they need you... And even then, they spit at you behind your back.. And when it's their turn to help you, they shun away.. What kind of men are those? Shit is what it is.... is what they are.. It's been proven time and time again... You may be so popular at elem, or at hs, and you may think the friends you had there will never leave you... You may think they'll love you forever.. But even those who you thought would never leave you WILL... Learn from this people..... Perhaps, I've been growing a bit "atheistic" lately (thats a bit of info from psych class) shifting emphasis from others to the self, and perhaps that IS NOT the Christian way... In fact, I'll say it bluntly right now, I don't respect the bible... Not one bit.. They say it's the word of God.. but the apostles wrote it.. They may be inspired by the Holy Spirit, but they are only men... and men may interpret things wrongly even when they are inspired.. I dare anyone to argue that....

But I believe in God.. and I love Him.... and I have hurt Him a lot of times I know.. I don't go to church every Sabbath.. and I do some other things I'm still too dodgy to disclose... But someday, I know, I can prove my love for Him... in my own way....

Til then.. Don't expect a post anytime soon... But do care to check around once every so often, ayt???

Cheers... ^^

Soliloquy of the Torn

2006-12-19T11:25:00.000+08:00

... but surely, there are other ways... better ways...

You see, I've heard that story before... How life has infinite possibilities... People believe that everyday, we reach crossroads that lead us to different paths... to different futures... Eighteen years has taught me otherwise... There really aren't too much roads to choose from... Day to day, we choose and travel the path that HAS to be taken... And I? I have reached this far because I've taken the road that I had to take... And this? This is the road before me... This is the road I HAVE to take...

And all this for what? Retribution? Redemption? You... Of all people, you must realize, that there is nothing you gain from this...

But I do... You see, I don't fight to gain anything... I fight so that I do not lose what's left of me... Of my dignity...

But what is dignity without a soul?

What, too, is a soul with dignity?

My friend, there is no dignity in vengeance. If you are really to honor all that you stand for... if you relly intend to keep your dignity intact... This is not the way... How can you speak of dignity if you are to sink as low as they who you deem undignified...

Humankind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return...To obtain, something of equal price must be paid... and lost... the law of equivalent exchange... There are sacrifices one must make to achieve his ends... This... this is my sacrifice...

And what? You think such sacrifice will give you dignity? The most dangerous thing you can do is to act on an impulse and set it up as the thing that you have to follow at all costs... You don't become the devil to fight the devil...

My soul is tarnished as it is, my heart tired... What I say I do, I do... You cannot stop me... nothing can...

You're a sensible man... They... these are still your brothers... Our Father...

Our Father will forgive me... It is His trade...

But He would not want you to end up like this... not this way...

But you see, it wouldn't matter... All this? All this would soon be forgotten... Just as kind deeds are buried by men with our memory, so to does the bad things that we did... The greatest of us, and the worst too, cannot compete with time... and death...

This is preposterous... Think about it...

But I already have... I've considered everything... And when you think about it, do you honestly believe that I'll be the last? the last of the people they'd spit at? and trample upon? and dishonor? no... I won't be... unless I can do something about it... They need to be taught a lesson... I? I am broken, my friend... What else can I lose? These are times... that you have to be a demon to upset the demon... I can change them... surely, I can change the world...

No... These are things which you have to accept, difficult as it may be.. Yes, you are broken... But there is something by which every stain is made clean again...

And what is that?

It is called forgiveness...

And who do I forgive?

Everyone... your enemies... your friends.. and most especially... yourself...

These are things that ought to be done...

Yes there are... But this? This is something you just want to do... You need not do it...

... but they...

My friend... You are right... There is no other way... forgiveness... it is the ONLY way... You say you want dignity? But in our Father's eyes, true dignity comes to those who love others... just as much as He has loved... and forgiven... you...

.. these people...

These people are your brothers... In a way, you owe them... for they are like diamond cutter's tools who have cut and slanted your character like a diamond's faces... And as in a piano, where the white keys would represent your friends, and the black ones, your enemies... You have to realize... that the black keys make music too... So to speak, a part of you resides in them, as they see you in a way that nobody else can... You destroy them... you destroy yourself... yourself as you were seen... as you were judged and perceived to be...

... but I have to make a difference... the world!!

yes, you have the power to make a difference... but in the end... you have to ask yourself...

Will you change the world?

Or will you change yourself?

Retribution

2006-12-09T13:11:00.000+08:00

I've always thought it was prejudice -- sheer, plain, and simple. I'll never forget how I used to make faces everytime mum and dad reminded me that Filipinos were not to be trusted, befriended, or even dealt with at all. "the day will come, don't worry.. that day will come," said they when I happened to be particulary audacious as to showing them that I don't agree at all. Guess I've always been that arrogant, dismissing their experiences as seniors for what I'd like to call as "know-it-all-ness". Evil guy, I was. Guess that has earned me another opportunity to eat my words -- and I've never been good at eating my words, mind you, as I'm always reminded of the first scrambled eggs I cooked as a kid (note: it had the shells with it -- Grodd say it taste bad), but ces' t la vie. Can't say I don't deserve it.

You see, I've always believed in giving people the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps, this is the very reason why I've displayed that certain air of defiance to them. (Yeah maybe you'll say it's just an excuse, and a very lame one I might add, but you see, if I really wanted to justify myself for what I did, then I wouldn't be here telling you I was wrong, but whatever).

You see, I'm not exactly much of the "socially-inclined" people out there who befriends everyone and everyone else's cousin, but I can tell you, I've always showed each and every one the respect that they deserve, just for being what they are. I have mentioned in one of my older posts (it's very very old so chances are, you won't remember it at all) that I believed everyone has their own strengths, and as such, I hardly disrespected anyone because I know I'm not even half as great as anyone else. And fact is, I've always tried to establish that standpoint wherever I went. I guess my four-year stay in CKSC is, as it is, a testimony to that, as I hardly earned myself any enemies there (except for a specific quasar who I have also learned to forgive and mostly forget over time) and whatever the circumstance, I've always tried to be humble (and yeah I've said in the previous paragraph that I was arrogant -- make up your mind?? ).

So I guess with all that being said, I suppose it is but fair that I expect the same amount of respect as I give them.

I've been a fool -- a fool to believe in so-called good faith, but you see, such a thing no longer exists, that is, if it ever did. People only ever know you if they can use you. Perhaps I am just weighed down by a heavy dose of pessimism with the world, but quite frankly, I have proven it time and time again. It's sad but then again, it's true.

And Filipinos?? They are not just painters of the image of the world that I perceive as of late, in fact they are the images themselves. It is they who repay kindness with disdain for your dignity, and respect with arrogance. And quite frankly, I know I had my share of forgiving them. I have dismissed a lot of cheap shots as jokes over the course of three terms. But, as all humans do, I have had enough of it. In fact, I daresay my mentor Bruce would have reacted the same way as I did.

It's sad that it is so close to Christmas, a day when the greatest gift we can give to our enemy is forgiveness. But sadly, it could not be helped. And yes, I, myself have offended others, and for the record, I know I have a lot to answer to when I meet our Creator, but.... sigh... I am a human being after all, and as such, I sometimes let my emotions get the better of my rationality. This is sadly one of those times. And while I do believe that the problem with an eye for an eye is that everybody would end up blind, I think I know myself enough to know that this is well beneath me, so I'm willing to take my chances and let the chips fall where they may.

I wish everyone a happier Christmas, at least happier than mine. God keep everyone.

The Last.. Maybe??

2006-10-16T11:24:00.000+08:00

I really intended to post a long one ages ago, but I always came up blank halfway.. Guess my muse is taking a long vacation again...

Today I intended to post another long one.. Really, I do.. Or rather, I did..

But there's a lot of things that are going through my mind.. Rambles.. What ifs... You know me.. Ever the catastrophiser..

Already finished one of the three consultations today,.. Actually, I already know more or less the grade for one of the remaining two...

Averaging 2 on most of my final grades... Got 2 on Physics.. Not much of a surprise there.. But I was actually hoping for redemption on computer programming... My prayers weren't answered.... On calculus even!! I was actually hoping for 1.X... Losing my touch... Losing my mind with it..

A lot of my classmates are eligible to be slashed on the transition into the next sem.. I really pity them.. Lalo na si joie.. Her parents are going to make her stop studying... And she was crying like crazy.. Not the only one, mind you.. Sigh...

I intended to play silk road today to let some steam off.. Nakakabadtrip kase grades.. Di lang ng akin kundi pati na rin sa mga classmates ko.. Sa mga friends ko... Lintek si monte na di deserving pumasa siya pa ang nakaligtas... Sigh.. And it turns out down pa pala server ng game na lalaruin ko... Hahahah.. Guess my bad streak hasn't ended after all....

Actually I thought my bad luck has ended.. Nanalo UST sa UAAP.. But I guess that was the only good thing that happened over the last three months...

Getting sick.... Consequently missing two of the most important debuts (Jacqs and Eve's).. And another debut by Kristine.. I'm such a loser ain't I? (SORRY JACQ!!)

Hay buhay ko..... It's not that I am not pleased with my life.. It's just that I know it could be loads better...

Here's hoping to better luck over the next few weeks..
And to a post over the next few days,. I hope I get my inspiration back to write and tell you what I have to tell..

And to my friends.. You know I can never forget you... And that I would rather die than lose you... I am honestly sorry for my shortcomings...

Cheers everyone. ^^

Longest Rant Ever

2006-06-16T18:08:00.000+08:00

If ever I had a reason to hate school, and some guy would tell me that I'd hate literature, I'd probably tell him he's out of his mind.. Well, by now though, I'd probably be taking my hat off to him, ask him how he foretold it, and implore him to take me as his apprentice in the art of "divination"...

Welcome to the vile and disgusting world of Philippine Literature!!

Patriots and nationalists, I mean no offense... It's not that I hate the subject all unto itself (although come to think of it, I sorta do hate the Filipino guys and gals who rip off at every foreign literary imaginable... Heck, there'd probably be a davinci and potter rip-offers in less than a decade).. But try having a dumb, idiotic, nincompoopic numbskull of a professor for it and you'd know how I feel... Of course, not wanting to be hypocritical, I'd have to admit that Phil Lit goes way below on my list; I really don't like it and I probably never will.. Heck, I'd take Chinese poetry anytime (albeit I don't really understand every word of it, at least there's a lot more substance in it).. But going back to the topic, allow me to say, that our literature professor is downright stupid... For one, we have essay writing as part of our requirements... Heck I'd probably understand if it was English 102, which focuses on the writing skills (we already took that last term though) And I'd also probably understand if it were book reports on Philippine novels, or perhaps reaction papers on short stories and essays written by Filipino authors... But NOOOOOOO.. We're not going to write book reports and reaction papers or suckh... We're actually "asked" to write essays... ONCE EVERY MEETING.. Let me repeat that: ONE ESSAY PER HOUR.. Like remind me what course we're exactly taking?? Correct me if I'm wrong but it's Philippine Literature right??

But that's just the start of it... I'm not exactly sure if I ever told you about my "ever-beloved" Rizal prof who would just assign reporters for every topic and sit her ass out for the entire period... When second term ended, I was definitely elated, partly because I knew we wouldn't have drawing classes again, and partly too because I was not going to see that fat-assed prof anymore.. Well, I am right, to some extent, since we really are not going to see her again, but we found her crap incarnate in the git we call our "literature professor".. She gave us a list of 50 Filipino essays and assigned one for each of us to report every meeting.. Cool, no???

Failing all that, our finals, which IS supposed to be written, (heck, even P.E. finals are multiple choice type or matching type W-R-I-T-T-E-N exams), is going to be a play... Yeah, play as in acting whatchamacallits... And one has to suspect she's going to declare it's an operatic one, since she ominously hinted that "Noone's is going to pass this subject without singing".. To top it all of, she has an extremely soft voice, which was pointed out... Know what she did?? She looked airily at him (the guy who pointed it out), and then made her voice lower... Not softer mind you, lower as in deeper.. Like the opposite of falsetto.. Talk about one of the biggest shitbags in the history of the whole wide world.. And the list goes on; we'd have something sort of like show and tell next week (what are we elementary kids??), she doesn't stick to the topic, and she doesn't even know what "with a grain of salt" means... Hey, we didn't ask her just to prove how stupid she is; we kinda didn't realize then that she IS stupid.. But what happened was that she asked us what it meant and when noone knew what it was, it was natural for us to ask, right?? And when we did, she never gave a reply, and dismissed it as if she never heard it.. Who do she think we are?? Her incarnates who have a voice as deep as hers?? Freaky how a woman (or is she?? I'm kinda doubting about her sexuality now, although it is still merely a hunch that a bunch of us thought of us so I'm not going to discuss it until I'm entirely certain about it) could have such a low voice.. as in "male" low... and she gave us a ton of papers to read and research on, and all this transpired within barely an hour and a half!! And of course, there's that fact that she's stupid and that she is just one of those teachers who think the subject she's teaching is what we're majoring on.. Get the picture?? G-I-T.

On another note, shades of my second term are coming back to haunt me, as two of my professors back then are my professors again this term... Two of my worst nemesis at that.. Remember sir Lopez, my trigonometry prof last term who never really knew how to explain bearings???? Well he came back to teach us physics this term. Dumb rotten luck, wish it was Prof. Amon instead... And mam "Chit" Javier who gave multiple choice types of tests for her geom, comes back to haunt us in Turbo C programming, which I do intend to learn wholeheartedly, seeing that I barely, barely learned anything from Visual Basic, save a few simple "if-then-else if" strings... And yeah, mam Javier as in the git who gave us seatworks on cone frustums way before she even explained what a frustum was.. Of course, new subjects, new term, so although I'm highly doubtful that I'd like them anymore than I did last time, I'd give them both the benefit of the doubt and a second chance to redeem themselves from the "stinky", "sucky" status that they brought upon themselves..

We also have Filipino, and although this was definitely never my forte, I'd think Prof. Paulino would be a good teacher so I really don't dread it that much (yet)... It's really kinda difficult to say from this standpoint, 'cos we met for barely an hour and she never discussed what our requirements were; she just went straight to teaching.. (a rarity nowadays although she pales greatly in comparison to our calculus professor..)

And speaking of our calculus professor, it's really impossible to hate him.. As in ASTIG with a capital G.. hahaha.. but seriously now, he's arguably the best teacher I have ever encountered... Of course, we have Mam Amon from first term on behalf of Algebra and Mam Torres for the second term on behalf of Chemistry who were great teachers as well, pero SHUCKS.. Sir Butch just rocks; good sense of humor (not toilet humor thankfully, 'cos it makes me sick especially when I remember that maniac Llanes who gave me a taste of 3 on drawing..)... He knows his stuff well, and not just "know"... There are a lot of teachers kase na they are probably knowledgeable about this, kaso hindi kayang mag-explain ng mahusay.... Sir Butch allocates a mere hour for every lesson, but he teaches it very well.. Hindi tulad ng iba papatay-patay, hindi rin naman maintindihan, tapos magka-cram sa huli... Sir Butch on the other hand, fast teacher; magdaydream ka lang ng 10 seconds, nasa next example na, pero kung nakikinig ka, maiintindihan mo talaga, and just for thee record, hindi ka rin naman makapag-iisip pang magdaydream kase he makes it so interesting and so easy, and calculus is definitely not an easy subject to teach... Most of all, he doesn't have the air that 98% of the profs have... The air na kumbaga pinaparamdam niya na siya professor ikaw estudyante lang.. Kulang na lang gusto pa nilang iluklok mo sila sa pedestal.. Pero si sir, he makes us feel na he's part of us and we're part of him, kahit na "beterano" na siya kumbaga.. Kung may napoint out ka na hindi niya originally naisip, like let's say, there could be three coordinates para sa unknown vertex tapos ang binigay lang nya isa, and pinoint out mo yun, magtethank you pa sa iyo... Hindi tulad ng iba, pagnagpointout ka, kulang na lang irapan ka pa.. In fact, iirapan ka na talaga... Hahaha.. Sir Butch=the best ever.. And he's also our adviser.... Yipee.. = )

Other profs no showed us, specifically our philo prof and physics lab instructor... And we didn't have P.E. classes yet; as it would officially start this Monday... Haaaay, sana talaga pumasa ako sa Sepak.... Fingers crossed...

Oh well, til here... I've ranted for one whole hour already.. Hahah... I still have to do a lot of advance reading pa eh.. Specially sa turbo C, ayokong wala namang matutunan, lalo pa't ECE ako.... May inhinyero bang hindi marunong magprogram??? Hehehe.. All psyched up, I guess..

And reminds me, to the noblest man each of us know.....

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY !!!

Un lang.. Heheh.. Cheers everyone.. Here's hoping for a better future..

Back to School

2006-06-10T20:03:00.000+08:00

Nasasabik sa unang araw ng eskwela..

Oh puh-leez...

Taas kamay with confidence lets do the first day high!!

Sigh... Could you believe how many of my classmates are forwarding that to me?!! It's not that I hate it, heck I sorta like Kamikaze altogether, but how could people be so sarcastic?? Factoid 101: Nobody really likes start of school... Well fine, only 98% apply... Still, I'd suppose most of us would rather take it easier on home... I mean, who would kick summer out of the way for sleepless nights right??

Sigh... Being childish again, I suppose.. It's not that I don't like classes altogether... But come on, there's a lot of things I'd be missing, i.e. lengthier sleeps, late night texting, surfing the whole afternoon, toying with cryptograms, bulagaan, L.o.t.C.H, gundam seed destiny.... the list goes on... And to trade all that for sepak takraw every Thursday afternoon???? Sigh..

Sigh.. It's merely 3 more days, 9 hours, 37 minutes and 22 seconds as I type this down, and counting of course.. Factoid 102: Or we may say there's only a day and a half left for me to linger on since I'm not really going to stay up all night, and we might as well ditch the hours I'm gonna spend "hibernating"..

And some bad news, I currently don't have YM on my PC.. Well it's not that I don't want to install it for fear of blah and blah.. On the contrary, I've been bolder than ever before as far as visiting websites is concerned, thanks to the application I've once talked about.. But everytime I try to install YM, some problem with the registry occurs that causes the system32 folder to appear everytime I log in.. so I don't think I'll have it anytime soon, although I would definitely try to install it every once so often.. Factoid 103: I miss chatting to my friends, and I definitely want to keep in touch to know what's going on in their lives..

Oh well, guess I'd have to cut this short as I'd like to spend the last minutes of my life on earth (wha???) doing something I love... Sleeping! Heheh.. And for the last factoid, which is 104, I do love blogging, it's just that it would have been better if I was like talking to someone else rather than just.... typing it away?? I mean, if anything else it just feels like talking to yourself, ain't it?? Don't get me wrong, I mean no offense...Whatever... I find it hard to explain myself nowadays..

So til here I suppose.. Expect more of me next week, same time same place... If fate smiles down on me, I'd have YM installed and running by this month..

God bless everyone.. Here's hoping for a beautiful headstart for school this week, and an even better start for my "beloved" sepak sessions..

Cheers everyone!! ^_^

Change of Plans

2006-06-05T17:53:00.000+08:00

Well, in my previous post, I announced that I'd be cutting my online trips quite flatly... Seems that I really don't have to do that now.. Heheh..

Well, the guy who reformatted my PC suggested to install a program that would block most, if not all virus and spywares and bugs, (or at least so he claims).. Well, I've agreed to and I've put it to the test quite frankly and it actually works (so far at least).. No slowdowns, no performance change or anything of the sort.. It's still as fast as ever, so I think it's quite effective... So here I am, to take my word back and eat it... Well at least on the bright side, I'd be able to blog and chat occassionally...

And yes, occassionally is equals twice per week at the most, maybe once a week, or maybe even once every two weeks.. My sched disallows me to quite frankly, specially P.E. And would you want to duess what I have for P.E.?? SEPAK FREAKING TAKRAW.. Dammit.. No football, no handball, no table tennis, just that, folk dance, and social dance... Like one could imagine the blobby mass I am to dance the waltz or manila swing or pandanggo sa ilaw... So I'm stuck.. Damn.. And I do believe that if I do not want to have a grade lower than 2, I'd have to work overtime on this.. Oh well, at least I could still blog once in a while as opposed to not blogging or chatting at all..

So here we are, I could choose to rant about it, but it would just show what a bitter git I am, so I won't.. Besides, seeing it's so close to dinner time, I'd really have to cut this short anyways since I'm preparing dinner.. Wonder what I'll prepare.. Guess chili shrimp will do, won't it?? Hehehe. Til here everyone.. Cheers..

Finale..

2006-06-04T16:26:00.000+08:00

It's been more than a week.. again.... Sigh... And this may very well be my last update in a while.. Apparently, my PC got infected again, although ther e is no real certain way to determine whether there really is a virus or not.. Norton always stops scanning at the exact same file every time and renders my PC "hanged" thereafter.. Of course, my PC is still functional just as long as I don't scan it, or go to that specific file, but with LTS being entirely net-based for the first term, I really cannot afford to take risks and let this be, so I will be forced to have someone reformat it... And consequentially, I don't think I'll delve and surf too much on the net anymore unless it is very much necessary, so I think I'd take another lengthy hiatus from blogging, and ,sadly, chatting as well.. Sigh.. If I only know how to reformat a pc....

Oh well, I'll have to cut this short, as I need to straighten a few things for my enrollment tomorrow.. God bless everyone..

Bitterness

2006-05-24T19:28:00.000+08:00

If it weren't to have my virus definitions updated, heck I certainly wouldn't be here... Not in the mood.. Guess I won't be until after a week or so.. Oh well, I guess it's also time to update my blog anyways..

The past few days has been a total drag from the way I see it... I really don't feel doing much... Hell, I've even dropped AEro just for the record.. Adding to that, I've missed the "batch reunion" and decided to pass off claiming the muchly anticipated yearbook today although I really have no special reason or excuse to flaunt.. Oh well, maybe it's because school is merely looming around the corner.. But I guess I really don't have much to complain about, since other universities have already started school two days ago, while I still have three weeks to kill... Sigh...

Speaking of school, I found out that I had eight subjects in total, not counting P.E. and L.T.S. of course.. Two of which are lab subjects, while the other six are Fil, Physics, History, Calculus, PhilLit and Turbo C, all of which are chucked in morning sessions, ranging from 7 am and 12 noon.. Too bad, I'd miss three days of bulagaan (on Wednesday, Friday and Saturday). Oh well, no use pining over what's not..

And yes, I do watch Eat Bulaga.. Heck that's loads better, wait let me reiterate that, LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOADSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS better than Game KNB and Wowowee combined.. In fact, I'm more of kapuso than kapamilya.. E kase naman sawsaw ABS, bwisit. Hindi naman talaga nila supported sina Oracion tapos sasawsaw na lang nung nakaakyat na.. At least GMA was all out for Garduce even from the start... And what was the good joke I heard from that stupid network?? I'm not sure if it's Fermin or Aquino, but I'm positive one of them said, "Hindi naman namin tinitignan ang ratings, ewan ko ba naman sa kabila kung bakit masyado silang tumitingin sa mga numero." Punyeta, what a big fat hypocrite.. In fact, aside from some multi-million "service-oriented" business, ABS CBN places 2nd into what I call the "epitome of hypocrisy".. And to think that some people buy their crap.. Give me a break.

Sigh, guess I'm too bitter nowadays...

Bitterness feeding off of too much pressure, in wanting to give my best to fulfill my advocacy of having at least some sort of control over my life.. Too poetic??? Well, it means what it says, but just to steer you into the right course, it does not concern my parents grounding me or imposing some "unreasonable" rule, but rather, something everybody experiences up to some point...

Bitterness due to the fact that to win, you must lose in another way; that to make things right, you have to be wrong.. Bitterness that you have to give up because you are strong... Sigh, I guess I find it crazy to be sane...

.. to know that you don't get what you want, but what you do get you do not enjoy; and what you do enjoy is not permanent, yet on the other hand, what is permanent is boring...

Now tell me, isn't it crazy to be sane???

Hahahahah..

Oh well, life IS beautiful, only, its beauty is cruel and twisted in ways we would never understand..

Tata everyone, have a happy and pleasant evening..

First on May

2006-05-06T16:00:00.000+08:00

Rotten luck, Nocturna's down again... (sighs)

But it gives me time to update my blog, so I won't complain too much about it....

HELLO EVERYONE!!

Again, it's been awhile.. Guess I was too lazy to come online... In fact this is the first time I did this month, if memory serves me correct... Well I did type a humongous pile of paperwork for mom, so I guess it's kinda excusable, is it not? ^_^

Feeling kinda "pre-school bluey", which is a bit weird since I was highly anticipating my second year as a college student.. I'm kinda excited with calculus, although, to be honest, I barely understood a thing from the calculus book I bought a few weeks back... Sigh, I kinda wonder if my brain has rusted over... My dad seems to have noticed too that I was getting slower in solving simple addition and/or multiplication (from SAKmath) so I'm kinda worrying if I would fare well in my math classes this sem..

On another note, this week promises to be yet another hellacious week.. Let's see, a birthday affair tomorrow (Happy birthday A'ma!! ^_^), a sort of a reunion with some of my friends on Monday (sa McDO and Netopia Binondo branch), out of town for three days til Thursday, Megamall on Friday, dental checkup on Saturday, and a wedding on Sunday.... Hrmm, quite busy ain't it?

Oh well, Nocturna's back up so I guess I'll have to continue this next time.. No wait, mom's calling me to cook dinner.. Aww.. Hehehe, filipino chinese style adobo! Yum Hahahah ^_^

Til here then. God bless everyone.

Twist of Fate

2006-04-26T15:39:00.000+08:00

We're gonna have a good time tonight...

WOHOOOOO!! I don't believe anything could actually puncture my ecstatic mood today..

Let's celebrate, all night..

Wanna know why?

Ceeee-le-brate good times come on!! Ta na na nat nat nat na na YAHOO!!

Ahahah.. I'm sorry if I was acting like an overgrown baboon.. But honestly now... Wouldn't you act like this if your "grounded status"/"semi-ban" was finally lifted??? Really now.. That's nothing short of fantabulous, if I may say so myself. ^_^

Which means I'd be able to go to tomorrow's final game, pitting my beloved Xerxes against Quasars... and that I'd be able to meet some of my most beloved friends.. ^_^ Too bad we won't be in full attendance, and that some of my other friends like Winnie (and most presumably Sze) won't be there.. Oh well, there's always a next time (that next time being only a short 2-3 weeks away).. And (this goes specifically to Sze) no, I'm not complaining (or making reklamo).. It's just that I'd love to see you guys around sooner rather than later... ^_^

And of course, as some of my friends may have obviously noticed, I'm again able to tag in everyone's boards.. (This was after I had my pc reformatted..) Adding to that, I was also able to have my YM back and running, so I'm probably going to quit aeRO all together and spend more time chatting with my friends.. (Aww)

Now as far as other things go, I managed to shave a decent inch from my overgrowing belly, which is a huge success for me since I'm just a few days into my fitness mania (about 2 days short of a week, if memory serves me correct- WAHH IRON CHEFS)

Speaking of IRON CHEFS, I would like to greet my beloved friend, Rene Pinera, a very very happy birthday!! ^_^ Why Iron Chef?? Hahaha it's a long story.. Basta, my heartfelt greetings to Iron Chef Japan RENEsaburo Michiba ;)

What else what else?? Hrmm seems I've mentioned all that I wanted to say, so I'd cut my rant a bit shorter. ^_^

Til here I suppose.. Ciao and God bless everyone!! ^_^

GO XERXES GO! = p

Miraculous Comeback

2006-04-24T17:20:00.000+08:00

Well it's pretty weird but I can tag again at everyone's boards.. This was of course, after the reformatting blah blah so it may have been so unwanted software that disallowed me to tag.. So.. I just tagged at everybody's (well, at least most of them) tagboard today.. Hehehe..

As for life, nothing much happened today, so I won't write anything else..

Ciao everyone.. ^_^

Finally..

2006-04-23T15:55:00.000+08:00

Seems I've missed a lot of things in my two week absence.. We-ell, I really didn't exactly realize it WAS two weeks already... My, my.. Pardon the cliche, but time indeed moves so swiftly.. I can't imagine that I'm already a month and a half into our vacation already.. I mean, I've barely done anything! Well I've chipped in some chores here and there.. Scanned books, watched tv and the like but damn!! Oh well, my bad I suppose..

I can't believe I missed bidding Jackie a safe trip... I mean, I didn't even know she came back until I was able to scan most of my friend's blogs a little while ago.. Oh well, this may be late (I'm pretty sure it is) but I wish Jackie (if you're reading this) a safe and happy trip.. ^_^ At least it's nice (this is an understatement of course) to know that Mam Contreras is coming back to teach at CKSC... (Hurrah!! ^_^) I promise I'll visit her this coming second year.. ehehehe.. ^_^

Of course that is if my dad finally lifts the semiban he imposed (is this the right word??) over me.. Well, I suppose it's largely due to the fact that I got a 3 over my drawing this sem, which ultimately caused my GA to drop a humongous 0.2... Grr.. Of course, my dad claims he semi-banned me because I was constantly (that is to say, every five minutes heheh ^_^) bugging him to allow me to go to Cavite with some friends, and he was annoyed and tired, hence the semi ban.. Sighs... Semi-ban= curfews up to 1:30pm (the hell?!), 2 hours tv per day, and a very very tight and strict( and whatever adjectives are between those two words) jurisdiction (??) as to whether I'm even allowed to get out of the house.. Simply put, no permission=no getting out.. SIGHSSS.. Ultimately, I was not allowed to the very much anticipated (at least for me) Island Cove "encounter" of sorts... Boohoo.. = ( I swear I'll do better next time.. For sure... (all psyched up.. =) )

On another note however, and a very queer one at that, my dad also gave me a zen neeon to play with, about a week ago, which is nice (Thanks dad ^_^) I've already put much of the english ones in, but the chinese wma's are a pain in the ass to type... Hahahah.. It's so hard to say how much more difficult it is to type in chinese.. I mean.. Shucks.. HAhahaha.. ^_^

Another queer thing is that for the past week, I was barely in the house.. I mean, over 7 days straight, I attended dinner parties, debuts, birthday parties, and balikbayan reunions.. Heck I wasn't even home last night until about 1 in the morning.. Of course, that was the debut of my cousin, but even so... I wasn't even reprimanded even when I smelled like a thousand kegs of red wine.. Hrmm, what happened to the tight jurisdiction this week?? It seemed pretty lax of you asked me.. I suppose I'll try my luck again tonight (permission for Island Cove reunion), just for the record.. ^_^

And yes, I really enjoyed this past week, even though I'm pretty much pooped and wasted... It's definitely fun, I mean... Overly fab and mahveluz.. Hahaha ^_^ Last night was my first sup of wine this year.. Heheh.. Granny and unc also brought us pasalubongs from their trip to Singapore on the holy week.. Too bad we were not able to go, but oh well.. ^_^ And although I am getting quite fat again, it's really nice to unwind and be your true self again with close family and relatives.. ^_^

Which brings me back to my first paragraph... I wasn't able to update over the last two weeks since I was pretty busy with these dinner affairs, so I'm sorry for not updating.. heheh ^_^

Oh well, til here I suppose.. I still need to catch up with my sleep.. Heck, I woke up today at 12 noon.. I wasn't able to do anything, no exercise, no cooking, no nothing.. Hahaha.. And yeah, you read it right, I am exercising, since, as I've said, I'm getting too fat.. I suppose it's time to do something about it.. (Naks, bwahahah )

Ciao.. God bless everyone.. ^_^

Congratulations

2006-04-07T16:49:00.000+08:00

Well, I could write a bunch of nothingness again and bore my readers to death...

But I won't.. ^_^

As I mentioned in one of my earlier posts, I could not tag anything over anybody's tagboard from here (at home), and while I can certainly do it in a pc shop, I choose not to since I think it would be a waste of money.. With that being said however, that, of course, doesn't prevent me from extednding my congratulations to everyone from my post... So if Monica happens to be reading this, cheers to you and Nic... More power to you guys ^_^

I also want to congratulate all Lasallians and Benildeans and wish them a very pleasant and well deserved vacation.. ^_^ Jackie pasalubong ko ha?? Bwahahaha!! Just kidding.. ^_^

Anyhoo, as I said I don't want to rant or anything, much less to add another sequel to one of my posts so I will just download a few songs.. ^_^

Cheers to everyone.. God bless us all ^_^

Disappointments Part III

2006-04-01T16:57:00.000+08:00

Yeah yeah I know I promised a poem, and an essay, and perhaps some things in between them, but wouldn't you know it?? That "bubble of inspiration" I've been talking about just bursted and my muse isn't back from vacation yet, dang! No wait, let me correct that, my muse did come back- just to slap my sorry ass for being too complacent and announcing something that I would be but didn't... So to all those who were looking forward to it (if there's any of you guys out there) I'm sorry but I need more time.. LE SIGH..

Attended the basketball intersection batch 05-06 opening a little earlier today.. Dang, like how many people were there?? Thirty??? (That's not counting the players of course..) Pretty much... Damn, I thought (and perhaps hoped) at least a quarter of the entire batch's populace would attend but we saw only a twelfths of it.. Dang!! Is everyone studying in Lasalle or CSB?? From what I understand, at least seventy five students from our batch are studying in UST, and twenty five in other schools like Ateneo and UE, and perhaps fifty from CKS College.. Note the word: AT LEAST.. From there we already have at least a hundred and fifty! This is just so damn disappointing... I would understand Lasallians and Benildeans who're probably pouring their hearts out for their upcoming finals (goodluck by the way ^_^), but batchmates from other schools lack in responsiveness.. LE SIGH..

Oh well, someone's trying to get through the phone so I would probably post another one at another time.. Til here.. God bless everyone.. ^_^

Burst of Inspiration

2006-03-28T17:48:00.000+08:00

Damn, I feel so inspired.. Hehehe... I kinda wonder why though, since I've been through the lowest of pits just yesterday.. Oh well, here I actually am thinking of a new essay and a new poem to write... I already have the themes, hope my muses are with me right now... Heheh guess that's it.. You could expect an essay by Thursday, and a poem by next week.. Have to make it as perfect as possible since I rarely write these sort of things nowadays.. Be seeing all of you soon. Godbless us all ^_^

P.S.
To Jackie, hello rin poh ^_^ Pasensya na kung di ko natag sa board mo na nag-update na ko.. Lage ko rin kase nakakalimutan, tsaka hindi ako makatag dito sa bahay.. Miss you more than words can say, hehe kase ikaw na lang ata di ko pa nakikita for the past year (and hindi natetext at that).. I really hope magkita tayo sa reunion.. ^_^ God bless you, and goodluck sa finals ^_^

To Winnie, nabasa mo na ba rep ko?? It's somewhere down there in my post, but tulad nga ng sinabi ko, I can't tag over my board (in fact sa lahat ng boards) so pinost ko na lang reply ko.. Just to reiterate it, hindi ko sure kung anong date, what I know is that it's set at the end of April kaya surely lahat tayo makakaatend. Likewise, goodluck din sa finals ^_^

Disappointments Part II

2006-03-27T20:25:00.000+08:00

Dang, could you believe that there is actaully a sequel to one of my previous posts??? Dammit! Nobody imagined something like this would happen; and nobody liked it either..

As anticipated, all our trigo grades fell by at least .25.. Note: ALL, which means that nobody scored anything higher than 1.5,... Dammit.. Of course, everybody kinda expected that, so although it was a blow to all of us, we merely flinched from it, if you will.. Our section suffered some casualties yet again, two, in fact, which is so damn annoying at that.. This was merely an appetizer though..

Since I really don't want to go through five hours of poor time usage (what was the word for it?? it was a spelling word back in my days at cksc... getting old) I'll fast forward everything to 2:30 pm..

When our very "dear" professor finally arrived for our consultation, (he is an hour and a half late, by the way), everyone kinda anticipated a grade of 2, maybe a bit of 2.25, or at the very least, 2.5.. In fact, we, that is to say, my fellow male classmates, even had a little bet.. Since it was a pretty much known fact that our professor is a "pedophile", and a bit (hrmm, do i understate it??) of a maniac, we bet that our girl classmates would get a score of at least 1.5, while we guys would get at least 2.5.. Well, at least that was what we expected, since our scores (in our drawing plates) toggled between 3 and 4, which is basically equivalent to 2, and 2.5 in the five point system... Guess what?? We were way off..

Way way off...

By how much you ask? If you were to tell me 75% of the class would score 3 in the final grade, I would have initially told you you were insane.. But would you know it? I would actually be eating my words by now and tell everyone how great of a seer you are...

Yeah you read it right.. 75% of the class scored 3.. One guy scored 1.75, a few scored 2.5 ( I think 4 ), another four scored 2.75, another four failed and 34 of the class scored 3... Including me..

Dammit! My DL-ship!!!!!!! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR... As in I wanted to choke him on the spot... Dammit, dammit dammit.. So annoying.. I can't stress this enough.. But it's just that nobody could actually believe it.. All of us had our mouths open for at least a whole minute... Some went ballistic, some cried, some cursed, some just kept silent.. But one thing was unanimous: we were all disappointed.. I mean, sheters... Would you expect that?? And from what other sections who were likewise handled by him, he also gave similar marks to them.. Talk about merciless...

Of course, on a lighter note, I passed my theo (I always get nervous over the slightest things, guess I'm a catastrophiser), and nobody seemed to have failed in it, but dang... Brutal.... No other word for that..

Then, there's this Mam Callangan that I talked about last time who was one of the most irresponsible professors of all, remember her?? Annoyingly, she announced that her consultaion was supposed to be held today, 3 pm, just right after our drawing consultation.. Guess what?? BINGO: NO SHOW AGAIN.. Dammit.. I would have understood why she no-showed last Friday, but today??? IMO, she shouldn't have announced it if she had other commitments.. I mean, she could have postponed our consultation til next time if she had to attend to something and we would have understood.. But what does she do?? She has a deceased relative (bless his or her soul) in whose rites she probably has to attend to, and yet she declares a consultation period, and no shows it????? Who does she think she is playing with us like that??!! Dammit!! Then she announces our consultation will be tomorrow 2pm??? Dammit I'm not going to attend her freaking consultation.. For all we know, she'll no-show it for the third time..

By the way, to Sze, I've asked around and nobody seems to know of any summer thingy you talked to me about earlier... You sure it's this summer?? What I know is that it was already held a few months ago.... Try to ask ICS guys like Jerick, maybe he knows something I don't... Best of luck to you..

Oh well, I'm too pooped to type anything more.. Hope all you guys have a better fate than I did, better grades and all that.. Also hope you could retain your DL ship.. I swear I'll demolish second year's calculus, which weighs a heavy 5 units, and physics... Darn..

Til here. God bless y'all ^_^ Have a pleasant night everyone.. ^_^

Quick Update

2006-03-26T17:11:00.000+08:00

Yeah I know I shouldn't be here, but I am.. Guess my nervousness is getting the better of me again.. Won't be staying for long though, cos we have to go some place from what I've heard.. Oh well, tara-ra-boom-de-yay I suppose..

Seems I forgot to inform others (namely Mon and Jackie) about my update.. Dang getting too old.. Oh well, I'll post in in their cbox the next time.. I can't seem to post anything at home.. Odd..

Amd, I seem to remember replying to Winnie over my cbox but shockingly it's not there anymore... Hrmm.. So to Winnie, I'm not really sure with the date, but from what I've heard from the last meeting I attended, it will take place near the end of April, way after your finals so don't worry... Of course that tidbit of 411 was ages ago, like February + ?? A lot of meetings were held this March which I didn't attend, so don't be surprised if my margin is a tad outdated..

Oh well, I'm too nervous to type anything more... Good luck to Lasallians and Benildeans, or at least in advance... Not too sure when their finals are but I'm pretty positive it's within the next two weeks..

God bless us all.. (Dang I really hope my grades in theo and drawing are good... I'm really looking forward to Cavite... Keeping my fingers crossed)

Til here.. VIVA SANTO TOMAS..

Disappoinments

2006-03-24T20:11:00.000+08:00

With the thoughts of seeing my grades in English and Chemistry today, I woke up at about 7 a.m., much much earlier than I would have if not for that., so you could just imagine the great disappointment that was etched in my face the whole day when I saw neither of them.

English consultation WAS SUPPOSED to start at 9, and with that in my mind, I skipped breakfast and headed straight to UST (after the jeepney ride of course.. ) I arrived at about 8:15, and joined my classmates in waiting for the final forty-five minutes.. By 8:50, though, Baluyut decided that we have waited too long, and, all of us having waited for at least half an hour, agreed to go upstairs. 9;10, 20, 30, 40.. damn where is that irresponsible sh#t of a teacher?!! Everybody just started to lose their cool, after all, Callangan's "notoriousness" ( or is it notority? whatever ) in being always absent is so popular ( or is it rather infamous?).. Dang, like how many remedials have she asked for because she was absent on our meeting??? And with no reason nor explanation at that?? Dang, I wonder how many of us actually like her.. After all, she was one of those who crammed a lot on our final week.. Imagine she announced that we were to have a library paper, on March 1st, and were supposed to submit it on the 17th??? Plus reports, skits, and flash presentations ?? And as if it were not enough, on the 9th, she announced that we were supposed to submit a movie synopsis regarding Coach Carter, but we didn't watch and finish the dang movie until the 15th, and to top it all off, deadline was on the next day... Dang with this woman..

Our vexation intensified today when she no-showed our consultation.. That was until a little bit after 10 a.m., when she actually gave an explanation for the first time, and that was that one of her relatives had died today... Of course, I suppose she could have texted us a bit earlier, and we would have highly appreciated more hours of sleep, but I don't really want to sound so merciless and all, so our deepest apologies and condolences go out to her family, God bless her the strength to carry on..

Dean, Mond, Rozz and I decided to kill the three hours we were supposed to wait until our Chemistry consultation by playing DOTA at Hyper... At about 11, Ogoy joined in the fray and helped us in the FF emulated version of the game.. By noon, Wilfred arrived too and told us that he was going to throw a sort of a belated birthday party, so he treated all of us, including the others who were not with us at Hyper, to lunch at Almer's famous and excellent sisig.. (Thanks Wfred for the meal.. Belated Happy Birthday ^_^) We finished eating, laughing, and chatting at about half an hour past 1...

Realizing we were late for our consultation, we immediately rushed back to UST, (and I also saw Renz Tan near Dapitan at Wendy's)... Disappointment started to seep in again when Mam Torres refused to tell us our actual grades; she merely whether we passed.. The third disappointment tolled its bell when we realized that aside from the five of my classmates who failed Geometry, there are also, at least, another three, who failed Chem.. Missy, who, sorry to say, failed both subjects later told us that she would pursue her college degree in another university... (I wish you all the best in your future endeavors.. ) Of course, others like Lara, Ja, and Enrico rejoiced since they passed Chem.. However, nobody could hide the disappointment that we would spend the next few years with another person less than our original block, (the first one being Alex)..

Dang it, how could there be a lot of disappointments in just a single day.. And to actually top this off, I was actually intending a second post (an essay) but realized that it's already 9:36 pm as we speak.. Dang, this is so disappointing... GRr..

Oh well, let's just hope that next Monday would be much better than today.. I hope I get decent grades in Trigo and Drawing, and most of all, I extremely, definitely, positively, verily, intensely hope that I pass in Theo.. Just get my fingers crossed..

Tata now.. ^_^ Have to regain that lost sleep.. God bless us all ^_^

helluvaday

2006-03-23T17:10:00.000+08:00

The alarm rang at 6:15 a.m. Damn, how unlucky could I get?! Or rather, how forgetful of me to set it when my finals were supposed to start at 7:00 am? I was actaully intending to get up earlier to review a tad more and refresh my memory, but whoopee-dee-freaking-doo.. Guess I'm getting older..

So I took a five minute bath and voila!! Good to go, until I realized I promised to cook today's breakfast.. Whipped up a quick sinangag for my parents (particularly my mom), eggs, ham, took a one-spoon-breakfast mainly to check if everything tasted alright.. Dang was actually planning something else but time was my enemy.. Left home half an hour past 6.

Jeep ride was a hell.. Don't you people ever get annoyed at the driver when he says "oi mga wala pang bayad dyan" and looks at you as if you haven't paid when you were in fact it was the first thing you did after trying to "cozy up" on that seat of his.. Dang, seems I'm not the only guy who's forgetful...

Got to school with only a minute to spare.. Guess I have to forget about reviewing.. Dang I should have just studied last night, shouldn't I?? 24 multies plus 30 multi problems in 2 hours?? Dang!!

And the song I downloaded last night?? Turns out I already had it ages ago.. Double dang!

Don't get me wrong though, I'm not really complaining... Guess I just want to write a lengthy post.. Hehehe..

Well tomorrow and Monday's gonna be a sort of a judgment day, Monday more so than tomorrow.. Just imagine if you were in starstruck and it was sunday and you hear the judges say, "thank you and goodbye to...." Dang, five of my classmates have already succumbed to geom... What about trigo? chem? and most of all, drawing??? (in my case, theo) Well, we'll experience that starstruck sort of thing tomorrow as we see our grades in english and chem.. And on monday, we see our grades for trigo and drawing.. (Dang what about my theo??)

Well, at least I have a few days to breathe before I see my clearance... Well yeah it's torture not to know whether you've passed theo... But I suppose I could rant all I want and complain all I want, but nothing would change anyhow... Guess I just have to wait..

A lot of my friends have been comforting me, that I probably wouldn't fail theo, after all, according to them, it's just a minor subject.. Guess I'm just really nervous since I've failed our one and only 50 item long quiz on sacraments... Not that Mam Redonia showed it to us, but I'm pretty positive I failed.. The worst thing about this is that she never showed us any of our post-quizzes, or the seatwork or what have you, which is actually sh#t since you won't know if you need to catch up or not.. Dang, I hope I scored respectably in our finals.. Dang, I'm too nervous..

Nervous enough to have skipped playing DOTA with Jo and the gang... Could you believe I missed it?? and on the final day of our exams at that?? Revelation ain't it?? More than that, I've also turned down watching Final Destination 3 with Candz and Arvs.. Triple dang.

Well, I guess I have to put it to rest since, as I said, I can't do anything about it..

Still haven't found decent pics to post over my site... Guess I need to upload some from my digicam, or my phone, whichever is more decent..

Well tata now... Have to prepare dinner.. Chinese style lumpia! Yum ^_^

God bless us all.. ^_^

VIVA SANTO TOMAS!

Second Post

2006-03-22T20:24:00.000+08:00

Yeah I know I shouldn't be here.. After all, it would be my second post for the day (the new layout post was just posted a few hours ago, and I forgot to change the time ^_^).. but what the he-ey?? I missed this too much... I was actually thinking of playing aeRO, hunt a few horongs and break a few bibles and slot flammable cards in there but the hell.. That can wait, can't it?? ^_^ Not really feeling particularly jolly, not that sad either.. Just finished reviewing for my chemistry finals earlier than I anticipated.. Or perhaps change the word "review" to "scan".. Believe me, there are times that the more you study, the more your mind will fail you in the exam proper.. So here I am, typing away, downloading a chinese love song that I saw over the tv a month ago, entitled "Dui Bu Qi, Wo Ai Ni" sung by the lovely Fish Leong.. Not in love, no time for that, (or at least I don't want to think that I am if I am), being the boring outcast that I am.. Hehehe...

So what to say??

Well first off, I want to apologize for failing to help in the sponsor thing for my high school alma mater.. It's not as if I have no gratitude for CKSC, or what.. Just call me irresponsible is what you need to do.. Can you believe that I no-showed like four or five meetings??? Well, at least two of them were because I had classes, but the other two were just family affairs that I could have just skipped... I feel terribly ashamed... Sigh.. How much I've changed in just a year!!

Of course, I'm positively excited about our yearbook... I want to see what a nice work my beloved friend, Jackie, (who I haven't talked to for a looooooooooooooooooooong time) has done.. (Jackie miss you po ^_^) It's the first ever reunion of our batch since graduation.. yeah it's a bit early I suppose.. but what's wrong with seeing people you miss?? (Hi, Mon, Winnie and Sze)..

Well, someone texted my grades in geom and I'm happy that I got a respectable final grade.. Of course, my prediction that my grades would go down by at least .25 were correct, which makes it less viable that I would retain my "dl-ship".. Sorry, mom, dad... Sigh, guess I was too preoccupied with this so called soulsearching of mine..

It's 9 already, damn and I've written only a bit in the 45 minutes I've been sitting here.. Guess sometimes you're overflowing with words and when you get a paper and pen to write a poem or essay ( or in this case type a post on your rotten keyboard) the words just go away like they never existed at all.. Or perhaps my life is just unintersting at best.. Nothing to brag about, not too active in school- like yeah, what the hell can I write about??

Sigh, haven't really done much in my college life have I?? Books books books... Is there anything else I live for besides books?? Sighhss, getting uptight again.. Grrr..

Well, the song's done downloading.. Guess I'll have to continue this in another time, as my parents would be after my blood if I hagged the PC for the rest of the night..

Have a blessed night everyone... God bless us all.. ^_^

VIVA SANTO TOMAS..

Whooaaa

2006-03-22T13:47:00.000+08:00

Well, nothing much, really, just a new layout (which I truly love; thanks again to Photkicho who makes magnificent layies like these..) Pardon me for the somewhat lengthy absence, there were just too much factors that led me to stop blogging- virus... studies... soulsearching of sorts.. and did i say virus?? hell, they drive me nuts! of course, after I checked everybody else's blog (in a pc shop), I felt as if I was missing too much of civilization by keping my doors locked from the whole world. Don't get me wrong, I'm still not going to blog as often as before; it's just that you can expect more posts now, especially since we're just a day away from vacation.. Chem finals... sheesh, soo hard...

About the soulsearching thing, well, i guess it was mainly because of too many blows in my life during the last six or so months.. my second sem has been horrific, a decrease of AT LEAST .25 in ALL subjects, including math subjects.. drawing, as i believe, takes a huge plummet from my 1.75 to (my estimate) 2.5.. i'm hanging by a thread in theology.. God help me make it through... which reminds me that one particular important resolution of mine was broken just fourteen days afterthe first day of January.. sigh.. God forgive me for it... sigh, i felt broken, and i still feel broken... which led me to this soulsearching... and to my separation from the outside world...

sigh.... well, guess i have to study for my chemistry finals... be updating soon.. and perhaps adding pics below... if i have the time... God bless us all... Viva Santo Tomas ^_^

Final Update

2005-12-08T15:24:00.000+08:00

It's been a long month since I've updated my blog, and a rather short and morbid update at that... Well, I'm not here to make any lengthy update yet, and I'm not actually going to stay too long... Well basically because my PC always coincidentally breaks down when I stay too long in this freakin' blog of mine... (Note the word "coincidentally").. Oh well, just here specifically for fellow Xerxes bloggers because there's a freakin' CHRISTMAS PARTY at December 17, 2005 11:30 am at Bacolod Sugbahan... Get it??

CHRISTMAS PARTY
DECEMBER 17, 2005
11:30
BACOLOD SUGBAHAN

Whoopee-dee-freakin-doo.. Thank goodness for this party really.. This would officially be my first ever hiatus since college with my HS classmates.. No honestly now... 2nd semester in UST is driving me nuts.. Underpar teachers with many underpar subjects.. Rizal?? What the freaking h*ll does that have to do with engineering?? And we even go as far as memorizing where Rizal went when he was this age, blah blah, blah blah... Trigo and Geom teachers make the subjects sooooooooooooooo boring... And Theo sessions are definitely "uninteresting" at best.. The only saving graces are Chem (prof who knows her stuff very very VERY well), Chem Lab ( very interesting lessons, as in very very interesting) and (would you believe it?) P.E. (Guess even the best of us sometimes have to eat our words as well..)

Oh well, this would probably be the last time I'm updating for this year, so I would like to take this opportunity to say "MERRY MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR TO MY FELLOW BLOGGERS".. Wish all of you guys the very very best... ^_^

Well, until here guys... Hope I could catch you guys soon...

To my fellow Xerxes mates, I would appreciate it very much if you could come to our party, but if you can't because of tight schedules or simply don't want to, well, I would like to say, there's always a next time and wish you luck on whatever your excuse... i mean, reason is.. ^_^

To fellow bloggers, well as I said, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! More power to you guys and goodluck on all future endeavours..

Til here, and God bless us all.. ^_^

Deepest Respect

2005-11-15T13:41:00.000+08:00

Growing up as a wrestling fan, I am very shocked at the turn of events that elapsed. Sigh... Death.... Death waits for no one... It doesn't matter whether you're rich or poor, powerful or weak... Death does not care.. He takes who he wants..

Eddie Guerrero, we'll miss you..

One Week Left

2005-10-31T07:03:00.000+08:00

If there was any way I could stop time, I definitely would.. Heck, could you believe it?? I have barely been able to get a good night's rest when I've just realized that classes are due to start a week from now...

"Earth paging Dexter, Earth paging Dexter! You should have known better since enrolment was yesterday."

"Awww shaddup!!"

Le sigh... Has it been two weeks already??? Has it?? Well the calendar says so, but I have barely done anything.. ANYTHING! Grr!

And it's not as if I'm getting rest over the next couple of days either.. Not that I'm complaining about Halloween and All Saint's Day; after all, November 1 is my second most favorite day (next to December 31, that is), but heck, the two weeks just felt like one swift swoop...

Le sigh..

And no, I can't go with Winnie and the gang on November 4 to visit Mam FFC.. As much as I hate to turn that down AGAIN (it's the fifth time I was supposed to visit her after all), I have but little choice but to do so... Sorry....

LONG HUGE LE SIIIIGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH..

And with the whole thing being said, it just feels like any other ordinary school day.. Still away from home for much of the day, still sleepless as ever.. Barely any freedom to do what I want... Tell me what sets this apart from school days?? Basically nothing, that's what.. (Well I do get to update my blog once in a while...)

Of course, I'm still brooding over my P.E. for this sem, which is men's fitness... I wonder if it'll make me lose weight or what.. Moreover, I'm not really sure if I'm gonna be as darn lucky as last sem, where I had the ever nice and wonderful Sir Cruz as prof.... Dang, I wish I had taken folk dance instead, if men's fitness is gonna involve hours of practise as well, but then again, could you ever imagine a big tub of goo and blubber like me doing the chacha??? (Smirks anxiously)

Dang, 3 more sems of P.E.???????????? I suppose I'll skip classes altogether... if I could, that is..

Le sigh...

Nothing new really, just a huge big fat nothing is what I wrote... Sorry for taking some of your precious time reading a catastrophiser's thoughts..

Til next time.. May God bless us all..

Update on Mushiness

2005-10-30T08:48:00.000+08:00

.... to Mom
Fine, so maybe she really IS proud of me, and well, my words aren't as delicious as I would think them to be.. Mom, sorry for doubting you, and thanks for "being proud of me"..

.... to James Esteleydes
You were the first one to befriend me despite my aloofness and all.. I definitely want to thank you because of your "benigness" (or is it benignity? heck, the dictionary's tucked away, I'll check it next time) and your friendliness to me...

.... to JayR Monte
If there was any person that threatened me (academically, of course), this guy was it.. Now with all due respect to Sze, Winnie, Abi and Ken, but double 1's in History and Theology??? This guy gave me a run for my money, tell ya. Heck I don't even have a single 1... ( "O master!!") Oh well, first of all, congratulations, and secondly, thank you for..... just thank you..

.... to Sir Cruz
for teaching me that nerdy unsporty guys like I am bond with sports if and only if the coach/prof was as held by an intermolecular attraction as nice as you.. thanks sir..

Now, what else?? Actually I've thanked everybody I could possibly think of, and hey, I'm a bit tired from enrolment this afternoon... (Sighs..) Men's fitness P.E.?????? (gives a long, anxious, worried sigh again) Oh well, what will happen, will happen, don't it??

Oh well, be updating soon... God bless to all of us..

CONGRATULATIONS TO MS CRISTINA SZE FOR BEING A DEAN's LISTER.. ^_^

One Could Never Be One

2005-10-27T09:37:00.000+08:00

"One down, nine to go..."

If I were to earn a dollar each time my "blockmates" mentioned this, I would be as rich as.... hrmmm, maybe Bill Gates??? The newfound catchphrase of ours, (yes, you read it right, OURS) has been in circulation for about a week now, and honestly enough, despite similar sentiments, I have tired from hearing it over and over again... So here I am, idling my time away, and then.... (SUDDEN JOLT OF INSPIRATION) I made myself a new catchphrase to wear out for... hrmmm?? the remainder of the sem break? (grins to oneself)

"One Could Never Be One"

An incomplete thought isn't it? I'm quite sure that my english teachers will be after my head if they read this... What's more, it violates the identity property (of numbers???) which states that any number is, obviously, equal to itself...

Now this is just a catchphrase of course.. In point of fact, I did intend this for a poem of mine a while ago, but seeing that it's sembreak and all, I really didn't want to rack my brains yet to compose a verse of complete nothingness as brought to us by yours truly...

Now, I think I've been winding you too much, so I shall begin to explain the principle behind the "quote" in a letter of sorts.. Well, here goes nothing..(Please bear with my "corny-ness")

If not for the special people in my life, each one special in his or her own way, I daresay I would have never passed the first semester in engineering, thus, one semester could never have been one semester... In short, ONE COULD NEVER BE ONE..

I would like to extend my gratitude, to all those who helped me "make" this first one..

.... to Jackie, Winnie, Lizette and Sze Sien (among others)
You taught me who my true friends are.

.... to Kenneth and Kevin
You were always the ones who made an effort to keep our friendship alive. Sometimes, I think I am too harsh especially when you drop a call, for I'm always "too busy" to talk to you.. Sorry, and thanks for always putting up with me and my rudeness.

.... to my HIGH SCHOOL ALMA MATER CHIANG KAI SHEK COLLEGE
Since college started, I have only visited my high school twice, and one of the only two chances was just to get my alumni card.. I am deeply sorry if I hadn't been able to keep in touch with the teachers more, and it may seem that I have forgotten about you, but I haven't.. I will always bring with me, the pride and honor of a true CKSian (why did they have to make it so "unique").. I will always have in my heart, the lessons you taught me, and the values that you imbued upon my character...

.... to my college professors
What I learned from you academically is truly great, but it is the non academical lessons that I shall forever keep in my heart.. From my favorite professor, Mam Amon who taught me never to get complacent even when it may seem that nothing could go wrong... To Doc Dimaano who taught me early on that reading is a most essential tool in college... To Mam Agustin who showed me that first impressions aren't always the right ones.. To Mam Alamis who showed me that anger could be channeled into a fuel that motivates me to do better... And to our beloved Sir Bernabe, who taught me that "old school still rocks" and that politics is dirty..

.... to Monica
Perhaps it is magic, but it never ceases to amaze me how, at the end of every YM with this girl, I'll be grinning from ear to ear... You have taught me to smile inspite of everything, and understand others... Naks naman!! But it's true, and I want to thank you..

.... to Pip
Well, being a bird doesn't stop you from being special... You got a way of knowing exactly how I feel; and you sing to cheer me up when I feel noone understands me... How do you know when I am down??? I don't know, but thanks too..

.... to "Sir Calaway"
We never know each other, but I've grown up learning a lot from you... You taught me to always keep my head on the game, and to focus on what's at hand.. To be cool and collected regardless of what's happening.. And most important of all, to rise each time I fall, even when I've been buried alive.. You don't know me, and you probably never will, but somehow if you're reading this, thanks so much..

.... to mom, and all my other relatives
For driving me to be better... I never understood why you guys never believed in me, grandma, uncle... Mom, you used to believe in me always, but now you changed.. Why?? Well I will never know.. Perhaps, you heard news that "somebody" pays for his tuition; while I?? I'm just a full time student who sleeps all day... But I will prove myself... I'll show you, you'll see...

.... to dad
You taught me to be "the analyst".. to discern things and not jump to conclusions.. to understand that there is always something hidden within a person, and that there is something good in everybody... to be vigilant, so as not to be fooled and used by others, while not fooling others as well... to never forget all the good that everyone has done to me, and to forgive others but not to forget so as not to be a fool... Thanks so much, dad. You're the best!!

.... to myself
sa akin na lang to.. :p

.... and most importantly to God
Despite being a sinful man, You're still here for me, Lord, to bless me and guide me... You gave me all I knew, and taught me to be humble inspite of everything.... Praises be to You, O Lord, through which nothing is impossible..

^_^

Guess Who's Back

2005-10-25T08:04:00.000+08:00

My my... How long has it been??? Well, a month and a week to be precise... AND I COULD NOT BEGIN TO TELL YOU HOW MUCH I MISSED ALL MY FELLOW BLOGGERS, goodness!!

.. if my PC hadn't busted...

Well, I'm back again.. at least for now.. ^_^ and I actually could not believe how much I've missed... I mean, imagine a hundred plus worth of unread mail.. that's just the inbox tells ya, and I actually just finished reading all of them.. well, fine.. most of them.. I'm not reading those chain mails anymore, because they're just so damn annoying! if I knew, my pc got busted the last time because of a virus attached to a message from so and so.. tells ya, it's very annoying when I'm cut off from the outside world, and five weeks isn't really a short time you know...

which reminds me..

BELATED HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MISS JACQUELINE UY!!!!

that's another thing... could y'all believe how much I fumed when I couldn't greet Jackie??? I did send SMS but.... her number's changed, I think.... I swear I'll destroy all the people who are actually making these viruses... Imagine this kind of computer know-how being put to waste??? Preposterous!

oh well, I'm just practically annoyed is all... we-ell I'm happy but life just isn't complete without the hours sitting in front of the monitor and chatting with friends from HS.. well college is great but college life just hasn't risen to that wacky status I had in HS...

well whut else?? actually nothing.. I'm practically just waiting for my grades online (just like all other Thomasians out there), that's all... Not that my life was a bore that I don't have any story to tell, but I guess I'll spare you from the er...... "lengthy" talk...

fine, boring talk then..

oh well til here my friends.. I guess I'll just make my presence felt in your blogs...

God bless us all ^_^

GO USTE!!!!

2005-09-18T09:22:00.000+08:00

Talk about mindblowing.. I don't know about you guys, but I watched the UAAP Cheerdance Competition this year, and it's definitely off the chart.. Last year's cheerdance paled completely to this year's, where mediocrity was like a thing of the past.. (for seven of the schools anyways, with the exception of a certain one that sports a secondary color...) New moves.. new gimmicks... and of course, the side bonus of having won for the fourth time (and also with that aforementioned school shooting an arrow off the target).. ^_^ Yeah, it's pretty much obvious what school I'm talking about, and what the hey?! The school pretty much deserves the animosity I feel toward it... Now I want to make it clear that I don't share the same hatred towards my fellow bloggers who actually study in that school.. But puh-lease... "It's better to be green than to be blue"??? Preposterous!! And besides, I don't even hear a single breath coming from the Atenistas, since as a point of fact, they're TOO BUSY STUDYING to make up jingles like those, unlike these complete idiots who seem to have nothing else better to do than make wisecracks that are completely abhorable.. Well, seeing how much they seem to like jingles, how about I relay a good one I heard just a while ago from someone who shares the same loathing as I do... "INAMO *******!!!" But enough about that school, aside from the price of their tuition, there's pretty much nothing else that's high about them...

I just want to congratulate both UP and FEU for victories as 1st and 2nd runner up, respectively, and also to AdU, ADMU, NU and UE for excellent performances.. If only I were one of the guys in the panel, I would have tied UP and UST up on the first spot, because they were both superb... Of course, being a Thomasian, I could never have wished for anything more than this, (what with the rather ugly ranking in the basketball game) as it is actually another feather in our caps, but the fact that UP exemplified great energy coupled with great moves is surely a thing to consider...

As for all Thomasians out there, CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL OF US, especially to the SALINGGAWI DANCE TROUPE.. Great ideas, tell you that much.. And I also heard one of my most favorite instrumentals ( though it took only a second or two at the most ) as part of their medley... I could have never imagined that bell to toll, and yet they put it there.. ^_^ The mascot was too cute not to mention here.. And the idea of having girls wearing blue and white whatever-you-call-thems emerging from a seemingly all-black background ( as part of the non-stop cheerdancing section) was downright genius.. ^_^

All in all, I'm positively exhilirated.. No words can describe how proud I am to be a Thomasian.. (and not a you-know-what-ian) I guess I have to count not going "there" a blessing in disguise, because truth be told, I actually considered studying "there".. Imagine that... I'd go insane if I took part in their inamo.... er.... I mean.... animo jingles...

So til here.... I have to check up on some things first...

Tata.. God bless us all.. ^_^

Before Everything Else....

2005-09-18T06:21:00.000+08:00

My sincere apologies for snapping the way I did the other day.. Guess I was too annoyed over "that" that I vented out my anger to my visitors.... Again, sorry... And, no, I'm not going to shut this blog down.. Not yet anyways.. So with that and the apologies out of the way, I have one more thing to say... ON WITH THE POST!! ^_^

Welcome back????

2005-09-16T07:00:00.000+08:00

It's been actually awhile since I last updated, that is if you call that short "prayer" an update at all... Almost two weeks as a matter of fact, but I daresay nobody has ever noticed my rather lengthy absence, seeing how barren my tagboard is... Not "barren" per se, but rather "barren" in the sense that only one has cared to tag in since my last update... *My apologies if the last two sentences sounded edgy; I'm just not particularly happy today*

Well, as for why I was absent for a long time?? I'm not really busy, although my professors are more brutal than they have ever been.. In fact, we're nearing our finals, and I rather expected them to be like this what with the three weeks that remain until that "final hurdle"... I'm not really bored either. In fact, I've been toying around with "some of the more common elements" (go figure what I mean) and I'm actually interested in reviving old hobbies and stuff, although of course, I'm still trying to squeeze in those "flash tutorials" that I've been planning to do for some time... As for color/spices/zests in this life of mine, I'll say I have a lot of things going on, although I'm not particularly happy enough today to actually give a recap of everything....

Well, to make things short, I just wanna say "Welcome Back" to myself, and I just wanted to clean the dirty cobwebs that's been growing on my blog due to "my laziness" ... *forces a painful smile on my smug face*

Be updating soon, but then again, maybe not.. I may as well delete the thing the next time I come online if I see too many cobwebs again.. I don't like cleaning, you see??

Til here, cos I don't think I could keep the edge off my tone for any bit longer....

Tata..

Prayers..

2005-09-06T00:35:00.000+08:00

My prayers go to those poor victims in the United States, who were unfortunate to have their homes destroyed by hurricane Katrina... May Almighty God bless them always....

Sailing Back Through Time

2005-09-02T06:12:00.000+08:00

"It seems like just yesterday......."

Yes, I know.. This is probably the most tired cliche ever in history... But proverbial as it may seem, I cannot but help but be amazed at how time flies so quickly...

It seems like I had just failed some major exams in physics the other day, and had tried to rally and cram in hopes to save my measly grade of 77 into a line of 8-er...

It seems like I had just finished my brutal thesis on cannabis the other night, and had grown deep eyebags during the process...

It seems like I had just finished reading the very very very long epic, Odyssey yesterday morning, and appreciated the greatness of Homer...

....and yet here I am, already months away from my reminiscence, in another cool and solemn September afternoon, the sun barely peeping out of what seems to be an azure blanket that is the sky....

Perhaps, it's just this sort of sentimentality, this sense of reflection that I am fond of, that's creeping its way back to my present reality... Quiet, and perhaps maybe even mysterious..... That was me.... No... it is still me... The ever reflective, and rather boring non-conversational type.. Yet, perhaps this is what makes me appreciate the things that others take for granted..

I have gone a long way.... A long long way since then.... And yet, the vividness of yesteryear flashes to me as detailed as it has ever been...

September has always been the month wherein I sail back through time... For me, September is the coolest month of all... There's a sense of magic in it; and I do not mean of it being the first "ber" month that would signal Christmas time... There's something deeper than that for me.... When the first leaf falls over the other half of the world..... And a sense of cool, cold impends.. I really can not explain it... What can I, a mere mortal, express anything of the beauty of God's miracle??

But whatever it is, it is just so wondrous, that I get into the mood of reminiscing... of reflecting... of contemplating the past... searching for the truths and learning from them, to the best that I could.... It's as if time turns its hands for me, so that I may become more appreciative of what I am today, of what I have earned..

The people... the events... the places... I have lost much; I have bid goodbye to friends I thought were forever and to places that I never imagined would fade.. I have been buried and reburied alive, with adversities some may only think of... with failures that made a hopeless heart.. But those are the things that made me... Whenever I would come to think of the past, I am gladdened that God gave these walls for me to climb... For whenever I rise, I earn a new self... a better self....

...and with each recollection, I come closer to my dream of "immortality"... to creating a legacy.... to achieving the epitome of what I can become....

What I am today I owe to a lot... And although I winded a bit, I just want to say that I have never forgotten who made me today.. what made me today...

Thanks be to God.... and thanks to all those who TRULY support me.. (you know who you are)

Good News

2005-09-01T12:43:00.000+08:00

We had another practical test in volleyball this afternoon... And guess what... Somebody got flat 1.... And guess who it is... Wahahahaha!! ^_^

Dang of course it's not me! There are just some things that don't mix in this world... The ever proverbial water and oil... And of course, me and sports...

Of course my P.E. prof is just so nice that he gave 2.5 as the lowest score for the test... I quote, "Kung mambabagsak lang ako, marami akong masisingko dito; pero ilang linggo na lang hindi na tayo magkikita. Kaya ang pinakamababa kong binigay, 2.5" NAKS!! Of course, from this context, you could already guess what my grade is, right??

Still, I'm happy to have this grade, however low others may consider it.. Honestly, if I weren't able to restrain myself, I would have leapt as tall as Taipei 101... Because this was one thing I dreaded the most... The humiliation.. the anxiety.. the nervousness... You know me.. P.E. was never my forte.. Never was, and perhaps never will... And although I was certain some classmates of mine were pointing and laughing at my blunders, at least I am able to breathe in a rather more relaxed and unheavy manner...

I sometimes find myself very eccentric... What others find easy, I dread the most... I mean, come on... When did you ever hear a person who grew nervous of P.E.??

Still, the object of this post is to thank God.. Because I daresay God destined me to have this wondeful professor.. I know, if I were in some other class, handled by some other professor, I would have failed dismally... My dreams would be shattered... Everything I toil for would be lost... But I am here... BVC 19, handled by Prof Cruz.. Chances of getting volleyball was one in ten perhaps, of getting in this section perhaps one in six, and of getting Prof. Cruz as professor was one in five.... Statistics would tell us my chances were one in 300.... This is serendipity.... No... this is a miracle....

And I really thank God.. Honestly.. Sincerely... From my heart... Without His blessings I know I could have never survived this ordeal... And I humbly thank HIM for bestowing upon me such gifts, such beauty.... ^_^

Thanks be to God...

On another note, I am very pleased with other things as well... Firefox seems very very effective as I have just installed it..... It's working fine, really, and I think I'm sticking to this until another more effective browser pops up in the future...

I'm very eager to learn a lot of things... Suddenly, the urge to gorge in some stuff has become my motto for the last few days... Let's just say I want to:
1. learn to design and create a web site
2. learn to make an interactive game (however simple it may be)
3. learn FLASH

Of course, I daresay these would be put aside to.. I mean, what happened to my "What to Do list for the first two years of college"?? Nothing!!! I could barely meditate, I have never engaged in a sport, I have not learned to play an instrument... Nothing... (Sighs)

Anyways, gotta review for my test in English tomorrow.. God bless you all... Thanks be to God.. ^_^

More Changes

2005-08-29T06:56:00.000+08:00

I've been feeling quite insane lately... Probably because there has been much strenuous work lately... Much to my chagrin, I admit I'm partially jealous at how my lasallian friends are having a two-week term break while we thomasians are given queen-sized assignments and king-sized projects... As of yet, there's still the seminar for values where I'm acting as leader on the documentation division; the theology oral report two weeks from now (the written report was submitted yesterday and was given a tentative grade of 90+, thank goodness ^_^); and there's the newest addition in Phist where we'll make a game show based on the format of Street Smarts.. Of course, there's still the undying english homeworks, the drawing plates and the chem lab prelabs... Of course, P.E. is still impending upon me as always... My gosh, I can't tell you how nervous I am that I may not make it to the dean's list just because of a minor subject that I have not, nor I think will I ever, like..

Still, there's been a lot to be thankful for.. My "furioku" has increased considerably and I could safely say that I have learned to handle pressures better than when I was in highschool... I have gained some friends too, as I have updated last week, and have felt more confident and secure over the last few days...

I have given my PC major add-ons too... I've installed Chinese, Japanese and Korean languages for my learning and reading pleasure... I can't tell you how hard it is to search for a chinese mp3 over limewire without the language pack... Thank goodness downloading is easier now.. ^_^

Being the music geek that I am, I have also installed Music Match, which by far, has been very impressive... It's a cd player- ripper and burner all in one... Of course, the burner is not really as fast; but what I really liked about it was the ripper which is plainly awesome.. It's efficient.. Very efficient.. It also enables me to manage my music library with ease... Over all, a very great tool for any music lover to have.. ( I sound like an advertiser don't I??)

I'm also intending to use Mozilla sometime soon... I have to say I'm very impressed with its features..

Still I think I contracted a virus somewhere when I opened that blasted file attachment e mail.. I never really got to save the attachment to my PC, but I went as far as the "This file may contain malicious blah blah DO YOU WANT TO SAVE?" dialogue box... That's when my antivirus warned me that I had a virus but when I scanned the PC(three times), it came off clean... Wonder what the heck happened...

On a slightly mushier note, I've been finding myself listening to this chinese love song lately... The lyrics are posted below... I don't know... It's just so cute and I definitely love it.. BUT, I AM NOT IN LOVE WITH ANYONE.. No no no.... Too busy for that... (Owsss????) Hehehe... Maybe not too busy for it, but I'm not ready just yet.. Besides, I'll probably love and lose all over again... Yeah, that's part of loving, but I would rather get hurt while loving someone who I know would love me someday, instead of getting hurt over nothing ... Hrmmm... Something's wrong here, why am I talking about this????

Well, before I talk about love again, I'll end this now...

Goodluck to us all and God bless us.. ^_^

Parental Guidance is advised...

2005-08-26T06:06:00.000+08:00

Now before I begin my ranting, to all lasallians out there who have finished their finals, a happy break ahead of you.. ^_^

WARNING: May contain words not suitable for very young audience.. Parental Guidance is recommended.

"Dean" Alvin Laurito is a very responsible class leader.. And when he found out that our professors were active in a faculty activity the next day, he personally texted us to say that we can skip classes the following morning...

Classes were suspended on UST Engineering Department this past Tuesday, the 23rd of August... It was a SPORTSFEST... and it was among the professors, at that... So the students, although allowed to see their own beloved profs go head on with other profs in basketball competitions, volleyball tournaments and the like, were not really required to attend it... I, being the lazy couch potato that I am, decided to skip it, since I was not really into sports...

Some other more outgoing guys, decided to watch it, to boost our professor's morale and cheer until their voices got hoarse... Of course, I daresay some of them went there for the little glint of expectation of having a plus grade or what... Still, when they (my classmates who went to see the fest) went up to check if any teacher was there, all they saw were rooms with closed lights, turned-off electric fans, and shut-downed air conditioners... To say it blankly, noone was there.... They were all deserted..

Having seen no living soul upstairs, they went down to join in with the revelry.. They saw one of our three professors for that day, Mrs. Amon, who found it queer that they were actually there when classes were called off... She even told them to go home instead of watching the fest.. And they also saw Prof Bernabe, our second prof for Tuesday, who shared the same surprise to see them.. The fact of the matter is, TWO OF OUR PROFESSORS THAT DAY WERE NOT, I repeat, NOT EXPECTING TO SEE US THERE for obvious reasons that THERE WERE NO CLASSES....

( WARNING: YOU CAN STOP READING IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO SEE VULGAR CONTENT. ALL CONTENTS BELOW THIS POINT WILL BE DOWNRIGHT DIRTY...)

Of course, we just have this amazingly IDIOTIC professor who thinks she calls all shots... Have I ever told you about our "fabulous" English prof?? Man, you'll be the luckiest guy/girl on earth if ever she became your teacher... Wanna know what we do when we meet?? Lessee... She gives us 5 page assignments every meeting.. When classes start, she tells us to check each other's work.. She calls a student and asks him/her to answer the question... The student gets the answer wrong, you'll hear her say.. "Oh my Gosh, what is wrong with this class?" or maybe if you get lucky, she'll say "Where is your brain, Mr Z??" For one whole meeting that is all we do, we read the question from our assignment and answer it. She on the other hand, does not even talk, much less move.. She just sits there getting her butt big, so that it barely fits a lion's mouth... And she gives no consideration in tests... For example, multiple choice.. Match the word "set" with any word on column B... Among the choices are "up" and "back".... You know, if yo answer "up", youre wrong cos thats not what she thinks... Set back is the only correct word there is.. You get me??? As in nooooooooooooooo considertation, even if the directions stated that "any word on column B"... Tsktsk.. Trust me, this prof is a pain in the ass...

Now going back to the sportsfest incident....

English classes are held twice a week, Tuesday and Thursday.. So today was our first meeting since then...

You know what she did when she stepped in the room???

"Where were you, last Tuesday???? Who told you not to attend classes???" Then the b!tch started blaming our class leader.. "You go to the deans office and explain it to them what you did"

Afterwards that asshole continued "All of you are going to get 0 for the activity we were supposed to have last Tuesday.." (just f**k up and shut your mouth..) " i am going to give you a quiz about the ones we didnt discuss.. you think you're good enough ha??" (we're not that good, but we're better than some old hag like you)

And everyone was like staring at her.. No.. GLARING at her..

cos she is the worst NINCOMPOOP to ever tread UST... everyone was muttering under their breath a curse or two.. kase sa totoo lang naman, wala naman kameng natututunan sa kanya, tapos ganyan siya kayabang..

and everyone wanted her to die on the spot, tell you that much.. That is how "famous" she is.. Talaga lintek siya... I wonder how she have ever managed to last this long..

Punyeta, kung gusto nya lageng may nakatangang estudyante sa kanya, gumawa siya ng sariligng school nya nuh!!

Bwisit tlaga, shete...

Hay, kung makatagpo ka nga naman ng teacher na ganyan.... tsktsk....

un lang... gusto ko lang magbroadcast ng kababuyan ng prf naming yan... sama ko noh?/ hahahah...

OFF.

Closed for Repairs

2005-08-23T05:23:00.000+08:00

A lot of people still ask me how I'm faring with my love life... Dashes of friendly teasing here and there and insinuations of me dedicating a quote or song to a special someone still run as wildly as before... I don't blame them... In fact, I think it just normal for them to think that way especially since the adolescent stage is the time in one's life wherein most of us would have "puppy loves" or "crushes" to a person we find "hot" or "cool"..

But just as the sun rises everyday at morning in the east, everything has its own place and time for taking place... Love?? Alas! that is a most wonderful thing. But now is not the time to mingle emotion and mind... At least that is why I think so...

Now I don't mean to be hypocritical... I admit I have been in love before, not once nor twice... But a heart gets tired after getting bruised a lot of times... Me?? I'm just one of those who has loved and lost too many a time... In fact, if only I could wear a sign, I would wear one across my heart with the words, "CLOSED FOR REPAIRS" in bold, capital letters...

Of course, I'm not saying I would never love again.. But now??? Let's just say I have a telephone operator inside my heart that says "Please try your call later" when cupid tries to shoot an arrow through it... Honestly, I have finally understood the essence of our debate in highschool.. "Dapat bang pagsabayin ang pag-ibig at pag-aaral?"

Now I don't mean to argue with anyone... If there's one thing I intend to do, that's to respect everyone's opinion... But for me, being in love?? I'm not stripping it from the cliche "I feel inspired when I'm in love.".. But I think having only one passion at a time is enough... that passion being studies...

All I'm saying is that I do love... I love my family.. I love my friends.. I love doing what there is to be done now... But I'm not in love... Not yet... Not now...

Of course, there'd be a time when my heart will be open again... to sing a tune for someone special.. to write a poem and dedicate it to her.. to have another reason to smile for...

But that time is not now....

And though I may not be wearing a big sign around my chest, you could be sure, that my heart is indeed "closed for repairs"...

Changes

2005-08-22T07:22:00.000+08:00

While some of my friends from other colleges are busy reviewing for their finals, we have just finished our preliminary exams last week... Moreover, we just officially started our second quarter, as opposed to DLSU students in the verge of transition from first term to second term. Er, fine.. let me correct that... We officially started our second quarter like five days ago.. But goodness, how could I update my blog?? We still had a pile of assignments even when we were busy reviewing for our tests.. We were required to submit a summary and reflection about the story of Moses and the Exodus this week... In English... Well, you know that prof of ours.. She never fails to give us an assignment, a loooooooooooooong one at that, every meeting... Of course, in ChemLab we have our prelabs every week, and a special post lab if you get "lucky"..

Still, I wouldn't really consider college monotonous what with the constant assignments every week.. For one thing some things are changing.. College is starting to feel more like highschool now, classmate-wise more specifically... Let's just say that I have earned some respect from them... Of course, I'm still probably the only guy who doesn't have anybody to talk to during breaks.. Still, this is a start.. And it just goes to show that "One does not demand respect... He earns it.. "

Of course, not all of them respect me.. Some of those who are the "bully types" are harder to "tame" than the others... But I have probably established a better working atmosphere than before.. As for friends? Well, there are quite a few.... I have gotten to know some of the people in our classroom more and my goodness, I just realized that some of them came from the USTHS star sec.... And unsurprisingly enough, they are also trying to get into the dean's list.. Looks like there's a case of "friendly competition" at hand... Still, friendly competition or otherwise, I can't deny that I'm definitely gonna have difficulties in vying for the honors.. JayR excels in memorization and that's taking phist and theo with him.. Benedict is good in english and values.. Still CKSC's own Jansen is good in math too.. Of course, being the competition obssessive geek that I am, I could tell that I'm gonna enjoy this.. more than what I could ever put in words.. And that has definitely have me pleased..

There are also other things to be pleased of, as well.. I am pretty satisfied with most of my prelim grades... EXCEPT for that damn english.... Not that I was expecting a perfect grade or what... But it was just so low.... Grrr... As for the others, well... so-so.... I was also rather disappointed with my chem grade, because I gave up more than ten points in multiple choice... (Damn...) Of course, I was perfectly perfectly pleased with my math grade.. *grins widely to myself* (To my parents and my HS friends who supported me, this one's for all of you...) :) And of course, I want to thank God for blessing me throughout the prelims week because I know that none of this would have been possible without His guidance.. ^_^

But of course, prelims is prelims and now, a new chapter lies waiting to be written.. As to if I'll get what I want, that's something to be done and proven.. Like what I've said just a few nights back to a friend of mine, "dreams remain only as dreams if not acted upon.." Time may give us all the opportunities, but the rest??? It's definitely up to us... As for me?? Well, there's nothing impossible if you believe... Dexter's Theorem states that:

Success is equated to Perseverance, Prayer, Intensity, Integrity and Intelligence...
(or more simply)
S= 2P + 3I

heheheh... Getting insane again... Oh well, this is a very good chance to put that theorem to the acid test...

For now, I end this post...

God bless us all.... ^_^

R.I.P.
-- Dexter Tan

Simplicity is beauty..

2005-08-15T06:36:00.000+08:00

Well, here's the new layout I promised... Surpisingly enough, this is plain... Very plain, as a matter of fact.. No pictures, no sounds, no special effects.. Well, maybe there'd be sounds soon but I the possibility of putting a picture there is distant.. Mainly because I don't know how to.... (As far as html codes go, I'm no whiz, I can tell you..) So this would probably stay visually the same until mid-November comes..

As for why I chose this over the other more vivid and more colorful skins out there... Well, I'm just in this rather peculiar "simplicity is beauty" mood... It's not really peculiar per se... It's just that I never have had this state of mind before...

It probably just goes to show that a lot of what one believes in changes over time.. Perceptions.. Dreams.. Hopes.. Ideas... All are subject to change with time unless one has had a strong foundation for his beliefs...

Some things have changed in me as well... My interests have majorly changed over the summer, ever since college started.. One who knew me pretty well back in high school would easily tell you that I prioritized love over all other aspects..

Now.... Well, let's just say I'm taking studies more seriously than ever before... In fact, studying has become my life for quite a while now... It's almost an obssession really.. Not that I don't get online to chat with friends or watch tv at 4 pm or so.. It's just that my social life has been majorly cut down since then... And yes, it is boring... Very boring in fact.. But there's just no other way if I want to work abroad and live someplace else... Because I feel there's no hope for this country anymore... Don't get me wrong, I am not denouncing my Tsinoy heritage.... In fact, the Philippines is a beautiful place... Where else could you find the country which fuses the American democracy (and diet ^_^), the Spanish Catholicism, the Chinese sense of business and a dash of Islamic culture to the South?? It's only here.. This country is like a mixing bowl of all beautiful cultures in the world.. I am very confident in saying that it would have emerged as one of the most successful countries if only there was improvement in the reforms and laws.. But the government..... I think I'd be doing injustice if I said that no other country shares this kind of government..... Lying.. Cheating... Stealing..... But here it's just so blatant.. And in a realistic point of view, it's only a matter of time before this country........... *breaks off....

My choice of dreamplace has also changed... I used to want to migrate to Paris and work there... But it's rather unrealistic really..... For one thing, there's a major discrimination of all Oriental cultures when one goes to the west.... Actually, prejudice is a better term for that... I really don't know if the Westerners ( the Americans and Europeans alike) are just insecure of the capability of us, Asians, but how could I expect to live peacefully in a country that does not respect Asians like me???

So now, if I were given a chance to migrate somewhere else, it would probably be China, Japan or Korea (South of course).... Now those are just priorities... If I would be destined elsewhere, or if I would be fated to stay here (which I hope not) then I would accept it... Still, I am doing everything in my power to change that fate.... As for why I chose those three countries??? Well, first of all, I am Asian.... Unlike before when I based my dreams on wine (Montpelier, France produces excellent wine) let's just say I want to preserve the Asian-ness that I am actually proud of....

Now why not Indonesia? or Malaysia? Well because those are Islamic countries... It's not that I don't like Moslems... It's more of they don't like Catholics... Not that they can't be blamed for that perception... The Spaniards have done a very great job in sealing that fate for all Catholics... All they did in their occupation here for 333 years was to invade the Southern Philippines again and again and again.. Who could blame the Muslims, after all?

Moreover, I am an Electronics and Communications engineer.. An aspirant, at that, nonetheless.. But Japan is known for their superb technology... Robots.. Cellphones... PC's... A paradise for an EC Engineer... On the other hand, Korea is home to Samsung electronics... Pretty much what applied to Japan could apply here as well.. ( Except for the robot part that is) China??? Well, I'm a Chinese after all... No reason more than that... Of course, if I'd choose among the three, I'd choose........ Hehehe. Rather undecided yet... ^_^

Of course, Koreans are known for their being very polite and respectful.... And that's really a plus factor... On the other hand, I know a little background on the Japanese and Chinese languages so I wouldn't have to study a foreign language again.... Still, it'll depend on how well I perform.. On how high my board exams will go.... And that is what I'm striving for...

Oh well, be ranting another time.. Didn't notice I blabbed already.. Hehehe..

Sorry for taking your precious time reading a foolish boy's dreams..

Tata.. ^_^

God bless all of us..

PRELIMS!!!

2005-08-09T01:01:00.000+08:00

it's still as cold as before.. wish it could snow here.. now wouldn't that be grand?? and i just love the cold... REALLY LOVE IT..

now contrary to what i posted last night, well, i'm merely making a distinction and comparison between the two types of cold one can feel.... but really, I LOVE THIS WEATHER.. in fact, I LOVE IT WHEN IT RAINS... it's like a blessing from heaven to earth.. and to reiterate matters, WALA AKONG PINATATAMAAN.... that was just an essay.. kaya kung sinuman ang matamaan, pasensya na.. cos I really don't have intentions na patamaan kayo..

Prelims na bukas.. hahah GUDLUCK TO ME!! AND TO ALL THOMASIANS OUT THERE WHO'LL HAVE THEIR PRELIMS TOMORROW..

GOD BLESS ALL OF US..

Cold...

2005-08-08T09:24:00.000+08:00

It's been super cold these past few days... as in freezing........ and its in times like these that you'll remember the warmth you shared with your friends in highschool...

and you know what??

it's just so damn annoying when you find out that they don't feel the same way..

when you wait by the phone for him (i'll be using the pronoun "him" to denote of both male and female genders) to make a call and say "hi"..

or when you expect him to text you or email you to say "miss yah pal"

and it just doesn't arrive even if you were already waiting lightyears for the call to come...

and he just seems so indifferent about it... as if, nothing happened.. as if you were nobody to him...

and it's just so damn painful...

and it makes you think....

just who is he to you?

what are "friends"...

classmates???

batchmates???

acquaintances??

== now, i want to make something clear, WALA AKONG PINATATAMAAN !!! i swear that....==

it's just that, when you know of someone who goes through this kind of ordeal...

and both parties involved are your friends...

it's like your heart is being torn...

because you can feel the pain...

and when you realize that one of them ends his friendship with the other.....

it's just so painful....

"why does something like this have to happen???" is all that could cross your mind.

now, distance between friends is inevitable.... some say it's by destiny's hand... but being one who does no believe in fate nor destiny, i think it's one's own decision that one chooses this college over the other despite his friend being on the other one... Now, I don't want to sound partial.... and as a matter of fact, i am not here to contest whether it's destiny or will that led us to where we are....

I am just here to say that..

"sana lang walang limutan.."

cos maybe you haven't realized yet..

but the cold that one feels because of the weather..

is nothing compared to the cold that one feels because of the emptiness you left when you decided to forget him....

Am I trying too hard??

2005-08-01T09:29:00.000+08:00

"Kinetic energy is the quantity of a rational expression multiplied by the infinitive squared divided by the the route of Villalobos to Mollucas subtracted from an ogee curve."

Say what!?!?!

I actually said that once without me realizing it.. No kidding!! Here I was with five books before me, and I was trying to get all the facts into my head.. My mom coincidentally passed my bedroom while I uttered that nonsensical equation...

And it was like 12 midnight and I was near knockout status... But I can't sleep yet... Not when prelims is drawing nearer by the second...

My mom just looked at me like I was the craziest lunatic in the universe... And she went over me, felt my forehead and lightly slapped my cheeks to snap me out of what seemed to be a trance...

I actually didn't believe her when she first told me, but looking at it, why the heck would mom invent something like that?? So it probably was true..

Meaning that the pressure is finally getting into me...

Overdrive mode... Inspired mode... Unstoppable mode... That was what my status in YM said for the last few days... Yeah, I really felt like those.. like nothing could stop me..

And actually, as far as my will and my spirit is concerned, I am determined to go the miles I have to walk to reach my goal.

But my body is saying something else.... Sleeping for only three hours a day for the purpose of studying?? My eyes are droopy, my brain barely holding on... Got almost no energy left... I feel as if I am about to collapse...

Which makes me think.. AM I JUST TRYING TOO HARD??

Yes, sacrifices are necessary to fulfill dreams.. But man, it's as if I'm obssessed... I'm forgetting to unwind.. to enjoy...

Overdriven?? Probably it's good up to some point... But one must not forget to live just because of an obssession right? Yeah, it's better to be just driven, cos everything that is "over" is bad for your health.. = )

Oh well, have to regain all those lost sleep..

Tata everyone... ENJOY LIFE FOR YOU ONLY GET TO LIVE IT ONCE...

Rally hoooooooooooooo!!

OPH.

- Honorary Member of Xerxes, DJT

Sacrifices...

2005-07-26T03:32:00.000+08:00

Two weeks left...

Until my first ever hurdle in my college life...

Yeah, it's just the prelim's, I hear you say... But for me, it's not "just" the prelim's... It's THE prelim's...

I mean, how else does one build his foundation in his prospects of becoming a board-topnotcher five years afterwards?? It begins right then and there, in an hour long of pen-scratching-paper routine....

"Yeah right... Topnotcher, you say??? Fat chance.."

Yeah, to be the man, you gotta beat every other man ( and woman) there is... I know there are a lot of other people much much better than me, wiser and more studious... But I won't know if I could do it unless I try, right??

So this would probably be my last post in a couple of weeks, until the prelim's draw to a close.... Because I have to review for it... Especially for theology.. Man, that will be a pain in the rear.... Being required to read "Parts of Daniel" from the Apocrypha for more or less three essay questions?? man, that would probably take a while...

So I end this post now...

I would probably be posting again on the third week of August, with a poem perhaps and a new layout...

God bless us all.... Good luck......

Getting Forgetful...

2005-07-22T11:56:00.000+08:00

**** Can't believe I was so careless.... I FORGOT TO UPDATE LAST MONDAY....... Sorry for this very very very late update guys..

It was a beautiful Sunday evening..... Too beautiful, in fact..... And it was the perfect time for another family get-together..

We left home at about 6:30pm, just a few moments after the sun sank below the western horizon, the sky showing only faint splashes of orange amidst the otherwise purple sky...

We were set for Roxas Boulevard, because the venue for the reunion was set there... Behind CCP, in a restaurant named JUMBO KINGDOM, just near the banks of the mainland (of course, because it was a floating resto).... At about 7:15 pm, we arrived...

Maybe I'm just too shallow, but gosh, was it beautiful!! Lights lined the corners of the floating structure, along its roof which gave an entirely Chinese feel because of the Pagoda-like arches at each tip.... Set at just more or less three feet above the water, the wooden floor swayed every now and again as the chains that hold the bridge in place rattled as if in laughter with the cool evening breeze... The sight was very breathtaking...

Maybe because it was a beautiful evening that I found the place wonderful.. But then again, it was quite impossible for me to resist such beauty.. It is what I would call "romantic"... a ship in the middle of the sea, swaying with the waves, in a cool Sunday evening... Superb!!

When we got inside, our hosts, Uncle Vic and Auntie Su, were already waiting so I didn't have time to explore it.... (Initially, that is.. ) I barely ate because I was too preoccupied with just looking at sea (actually, I think it's more of a bay.. ) and wondered what (the hell) I'll do if the foundation of the structure gave way and we would sink to the bottom of the waters.... (Happy thought isn't it?? HAHAHAH.. Just kidding..) But truthfully, I never got to enjoy the food... It was great, I suppose, but I would have wanted to explore the interior first before pigging out... Sadly, our hosts had other plans and were in a hurry because they were to get back to Vigan the following morning..

We, or more appropriately, they, finished eating at 8:30... Supposedly we were to immediately go home after eating.. But due to my insistence, (pestering more like HAHAHAH) I prodded them to go up and see the things found therein... Uncle Vic and Aunt Su, however, just gave a pass because they still have "some things to take care of"...

The second floor didn't really have much to see.. But the third floor held a rather antique looking Chinese emperor family bench (or whatever its called) and it was beautiful.... My parents, I presumed, shared the same sentiments as did my uncle and aunt (Rub's).. HERE COMES THE CAMERAS!!!!!!!!!!! Click, click, click.... hehehe.... We are so weird...... Sitting down that bench one by one, then all together, and just shooting away.... hehehe..

We ascended to the top floor, which doubled a bar of sorts.... Of course, we didn't go in there, because the outside was much more of a view than those dancing lights inside the bar... It was wonderful..... We were at the open air with the sea to look at, and the sky with the half moon, and the lights that dotted the streets..... Romantic talaga grabe.. Hahahah... Mababaw ako noh??? Pero it was really cute....

On the eastern side, however, it was pitch black.. As in nothing.... You can't see anything at all... There were no lights whatsoever on that side.. I presume it was the sea, because it couldn't have been land.. If it was, then, we would have seen cars or lights from the building.. But there was none.... Just an entire blanket of blackness... And it makes me think, how did the past sailors manage to cross the sea without the sophistication of radars and those types of things??? Siguro may lighthouse na nuon.. Sabi ko nga... Hehehe..

Sadly it began to rain at 9:15 pm and we were required to go home, because bad weather is a fierce enemy.. We arrived home at about 9:45....

Still even if my "sentimental mode" was cut off short by the rain, I still loved the whole experience.. And maybe, just maybe, if I could become rich enough someday, I'll build my home above the sea, floating there, a bit away from civilization, but not too far from it either... NANGARAP BA NG GISING!!!!! Hahahah.. Oh well, it's just a dream isn't it??

Oh well, gotta go now. Tata.. :)

Feeling good...

2005-07-18T03:19:00.000+08:00

I just want to say thank you to those people (Jackie, Winnie, Sze, and Liz) for their concern.. :)) Really have great friends.. :)

I managed to finish all my assignments last night and even managed to review for my english exams this coming Tuesday... How???? Dunno really.... But I know I would have never managed it without God, so I'm thankful to Him all the same... :)

I'm also in this inexplicable mindframe, and I feel as if nothing could stop me.. as if I could do everything... Yeah, I think it's a bit conceited too.... It's probably because I managed to climb that humongous pile of homework last night... Hope this feeling will pass soon, cos I don't want to be an obnoxious, arrogant brat...

I also found out that we're gonna have a family reunion again later tonight... In a boat!! Probably a ship... Don't know what's what.. My grandma just called us up this morning and told us we're gonna "dine in a boat".... So probably it's gonna be a "floating restaurant", which, I am not hesitant to deny, is super romantic... :)) Imagine we're in the middle of nowhere under the beautiful night sky with (hopefully) a full moon and some stars that dot the otherwise blue sky??? WOW!!!! as in, WOOOOWWWW.. I looooooooooooove it.... :)

Oh well, gotta go now... Still have 3 tests to review for.....

Again, thank God, my family and my friends for always being with me... :)

Tata now.... :)

One Hell of A Ride...

2005-07-17T03:38:00.000+08:00

Next week promises to be one of the most hellacious rides in my college life ever.... One quiz after another.. One assignment after another.. Everything is piling up to be one big mess.. Here's what my schedule looks like:

TUESDAY: submission of math assignment regarding simpilfication, multiplication, and division of algebraic expressions; Quiz # 1 in English regarding the library (wha????) and study skills (dami memorization nito.. )

WEDNESDAY: handing over of pre lab assignment regarding density; Quiz # 1 on Chemistry regarding naming of compunds (with the charges of some never-heard compounds like Ferricyanide and Thiosulfate), bunsen burner and safety in the laboratory; Quiz # 1 on PHist regarding the PHILIPPINE MAP (OH MY GOD!!!!!) and the first unit which comprises of 29 pages; 1st practical test on volleyball (I'm sure I'm gonna fail this)

THURSDAY: Recorded practice quiz on Math regarding the four basic operations and simplification thorugh factoring of algebraic expressions; Handing over of English assignment regarding the use of the library (i.e. call numbers, periodicals and such); Submission of Chemistry assignment regarding molar mass, and percentage composition

FRIDAY: Quiz #2 on math regarding the aforementioned topics

SATURDAY: Submission of Drawing Activity regarding dimensioning techniques and application of line types; Possibly Quiz #1 on Theology..

Good gracious... Can I get through unscathed from this????

On a lighter note however, Auntie Rub's arrived from US last week.... YAHOOO!!!! We dined at Kamayan last Sunday evening and my goodness, did it feel so nice to have Auntie Rub's back here... :) She's reaaly got a good sense of humor... :) That night was very memorable to me, because it held many firsts: our first family reunion since 2003, Aunt Rub's first balikbayan since 2002, my first chance to unwind and enjoy since college began, my first time to eat Kalderetang Kambing (yum) and my first glass of beer since last Christmas.. Hahahahah.... ^_^ Really enjoyed the affair..... :) Thanks Auntie.. Glad you're back here in the Philippines...

A man approached me this Wednesday morning, and man did he give me the creeps... He was wearing a formal suit and then he came up to me and asked: "Excuse me, pano ba makabalik sa Legaspi?" And I say wha!?!?!?! Then I said" Sorry hindi ko po alam e.. Pasensya na po.." And he kept following me, saying "Sige nanaman po, hindi naman ako masamang tao e..." And I just kept repeating "sorry talaga hindi ko alam.." he was very persistent... Good thing he finally decided to ask somebody else at last... What bugged me was that he was wearing a suit.. I mean, how could he have wound up here in Manila, all clean and in a suit, if he came from Legaspi?? And he wasn't even carrying a bag to bring his things.. If he were a tourist, do you think he wouldn't be carrying his belongings or something?? And freakier still, he couldn't have been a tourist, because after I doubled back a bit, I saw him enter a house in the alleyway... Really really freaky....

Oh well, gotta go now... Tons of homework to do.... I'll update soon. Tata!! :)

CONGRATULATIONS!!

2005-07-10T08:35:00.000+08:00

UP FIGHTING MAROONS :

CONGRATULATIONS!!!

GREAT GAME.. :)

"Highschool-sick"...

2005-07-10T06:57:00.000+08:00

I never would have imagined that I would ever feel like this in my entire life.... Honestly, being "highschool-sick" is the last feeling that would ever cross my heart.. Or at least that was what I thought...

It's not that college sucks... It's just that it isn't as enjoyable as high school... In high school, you could get away with not reading your books and pass just as long as you listen to your teacher... In college, you NEED TO READ YOUR BOOKS if you want to pass!!!!!! My Chem teacher in highschool, Ms Llantada (MISS YOU MA'AM! :) ) is great... I really learned something from her.. and I barely touched my book then.. Now????? Oh my goodness.... Our prof is good as she is... But I need to read my book to cope up with her way of teaching... She's one of the "matalino pero hindi magaling magturo" types... Barely anyone could understand her.. But I have to give it to her, SHE IS GOOD, it's just that SHE DOESNT TEACH AS GOOD.... Sigh...

Classmates have also become a headache... They got absolutely no respect for the Chinese language.. and that gets on my nerves.... Imagine, they even shout it out loud, "Chi chi mo ma li it!!" And I just raise my eyebrows and shake my head.... It's both immoral and disrespectful... And they use "Intsik" to refer to the Chinese... I don't know why, but I just don't like the term.. Kung tutuusin rin naman, may term rin naman na "Tsino" e... They could have just used that instead of the rather offensive sounding "Intsik"... Grr!! I really don't like them... Hindi naman lahat.. May mga mababaet din tulad ni Clarence, James, Anjo, Jofel, and others.. Pero majority????? Sighs again...

When I met up with Abi this Thursday afternoon, it was like being home again.. Yeah, I really didn't talk much (basically cos hindi na ako sanay magpakabaliw, dapat kasi refined ka sa college) but it was just like.. I really couldn't describe the feeling.. Sobra lang akong saya kase I could unwind and be me again for a while, and not the overly serious engineering hopeful that I am inside the classroom... Tapos dumating pa si Mark Steven!! Really really enjoyed that afternoon... We just sat at the grandstand and talked for an hour.. I found out that Abi also has classmates who are overly disrespectful to Chinese... I really hate discriminative and arrogant people... Still, the three of us really didn't let it bother us for that moment.. We didn't want to ruin one of the few instances that we could be together again like that.. Hay sobrang saya talaga... Hope we could do it more often, pero sana next time, sama sama na ang buong section or something.... Hindi naman masamang mangarap di po ba?? Hehehe.. :)

Still Friday came and it was back to the tight college life that I find really really "nakakasakal"... the same ton of assignments (kumbaga gabundok) and the same rude classmates...And it was that same feeling of "highschool sickness" all over again....

Sigh...... There really is no place like home....

Be humble...

2005-07-09T06:24:00.000+08:00

"The greatest wisdom on earth is to know that... you do not know everything.."

(---A very very nice quote I found while searching over the net a few moments ago.. :))

There are a lot of people out there who claim, "hey man, I'm the smartest man alive!" And I just simply look at their oversized heads and think that it must be bulging not because of super extraterrestrial wisdom but because of a huge presence of helium in their skulls...

Maangas ba?? Kasi naman, some people are just too arrogant.. Kala nila alam nila ang lahat ng bagay nang ganun ganun lang... There are even times that they come accompanied by a huge mob of classmates that actually revere him just because he memorized E=MC squared... And I just look like.. duh!?!!?? Gumawa pa ng fan club!!!

It's not that I'm jealous or insecure.. Honestly, dati ko pa ayaw magpatawag ng boy genius or similar names pero di ako pinakikinggan... Kaya nananawagan po ako sa aking mga kaibigan, wag nyo na po akong tatawaging boy genius, genius, or whatever.... Please lang po.. We are all smart, di po ba?? :)

I firmly believe na lahat tayo smart in our own ways... Some are proficient in speaking English, some are good in handling numbers, while some others are good in physical activities... But to go as far as saying you're a genius is something outrageous... And the fact that you let others believe you're a genius when you're merely smart is sheer hypocrisy.... Halos hayaan mo na ang mga klasmeyts mo na lumuhod at sambahin ka, at wala ka man lamang ginagawa tungkol dito! You are not a god to be worshipped!!!

Sana lang naman, be humble.. As if you really mean it... Wag magyabang.... Don't hold a megaphone over your throat and broadcast that you're the smartest.... Cos you're not! And kapag may sumasamba sayo't tinatawag kang henyo, sabihin mo na "Lahat tayo'y matalino sa sarili nating paraan... You might not know some of the things I do know, but I'm quite sure I also don't know some of the things you do." Wag mo siyang tapakan... Bagkus ay iahon mo siya at patayuin.... Encourage him more.

Iyon lamang po... Pagpasensyahan nyo na po ang aking kasungitan.... Sadya lang kasing nakakainis ang mga mayayabag dito sa mundo...

Tatat people.. Good luck to all of us... :)