Tabula Rasa

Soliloquy of the Torn

... but surely, there are other ways... better ways...

You see, I've heard that story before... How life has infinite possibilities... People believe that everyday, we reach crossroads that lead us to different paths... to different futures... Eighteen years has taught me otherwise... There really aren't too much roads to choose from... Day to day, we choose and travel the path that HAS to be taken... And I? I have reached this far because I've taken the road that I had to take... And this? This is the road before me... This is the road I HAVE to take...

And all this for what? Retribution? Redemption? You... Of all people, you must realize, that there is nothing you gain from this...

But I do... You see, I don't fight to gain anything... I fight so that I do not lose what's left of me... Of my dignity...

But what is dignity without a soul?

What, too, is a soul with dignity?

My friend, there is no dignity in vengeance. If you are really to honor all that you stand for... if you relly intend to keep your dignity intact... This is not the way... How can you speak of dignity if you are to sink as low as they who you deem undignified...

Humankind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return...To obtain, something of equal price must be paid... and lost... the law of equivalent exchange... There are sacrifices one must make to achieve his ends... This... this is my sacrifice...

And what? You think such sacrifice will give you dignity? The most dangerous thing you can do is to act on an impulse and set it up as the thing that you have to follow at all costs... You don't become the devil to fight the devil...

My soul is tarnished as it is, my heart tired... What I say I do, I do... You cannot stop me... nothing can...

You're a sensible man... They... these are still your brothers... Our Father...

Our Father will forgive me... It is His trade...

But He would not want you to end up like this... not this way...

But you see, it wouldn't matter... All this? All this would soon be forgotten... Just as kind deeds are buried by men with our memory, so to does the bad things that we did... The greatest of us, and the worst too, cannot compete with time... and death...

This is preposterous... Think about it...

But I already have... I've considered everything... And when you think about it, do you honestly believe that I'll be the last? the last of the people they'd spit at? and trample upon? and dishonor? no... I won't be... unless I can do something about it... They need to be taught a lesson... I? I am broken, my friend... What else can I lose? These are times... that you have to be a demon to upset the demon... I can change them... surely, I can change the world...

No... These are things which you have to accept, difficult as it may be.. Yes, you are broken... But there is something by which every stain is made clean again...

And what is that?

It is called forgiveness...

And who do I forgive?

Everyone... your enemies... your friends.. and most especially... yourself...

These are things that ought to be done...

Yes there are... But this? This is something you just want to do... You need not do it...

... but they...

My friend... You are right... There is no other way... forgiveness... it is the ONLY way... You say you want dignity? But in our Father's eyes, true dignity comes to those who love others... just as much as He has loved... and forgiven... you...

.. these people...

These people are your brothers... In a way, you owe them... for they are like diamond cutter's tools who have cut and slanted your character like a diamond's faces... And as in a piano, where the white keys would represent your friends, and the black ones, your enemies... You have to realize... that the black keys make music too... So to speak, a part of you resides in them, as they see you in a way that nobody else can... You destroy them... you destroy yourself... yourself as you were seen... as you were judged and perceived to be...

... but I have to make a difference... the world!!

yes, you have the power to make a difference... but in the end... you have to ask yourself...

Will you change the world?

Or will you change yourself?

posted by Dexter @ 11:25 AM Comments: 0

Retribution

I've always thought it was prejudice -- sheer, plain, and simple. I'll never forget how I used to make faces everytime mum and dad reminded me that Filipinos were not to be trusted, befriended, or even dealt with at all. "the day will come, don't worry.. that day will come," said they when I happened to be particulary audacious as to showing them that I don't agree at all. Guess I've always been that arrogant, dismissing their experiences as seniors for what I'd like to call as "know-it-all-ness". Evil guy, I was. Guess that has earned me another opportunity to eat my words -- and I've never been good at eating my words, mind you, as I'm always reminded of the first scrambled eggs I cooked as a kid (note: it had the shells with it -- Grodd say it taste bad), but ces' t la vie. Can't say I don't deserve it.

You see, I've always believed in giving people the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps, this is the very reason why I've displayed that certain air of defiance to them. (Yeah maybe you'll say it's just an excuse, and a very lame one I might add, but you see, if I really wanted to justify myself for what I did, then I wouldn't be here telling you I was wrong, but whatever).

You see, I'm not exactly much of the "socially-inclined" people out there who befriends everyone and everyone else's cousin, but I can tell you, I've always showed each and every one the respect that they deserve, just for being what they are. I have mentioned in one of my older posts (it's very very old so chances are, you won't remember it at all) that I believed everyone has their own strengths, and as such, I hardly disrespected anyone because I know I'm not even half as great as anyone else. And fact is, I've always tried to establish that standpoint wherever I went. I guess my four-year stay in CKSC is, as it is, a testimony to that, as I hardly earned myself any enemies there (except for a specific quasar who I have also learned to forgive and mostly forget over time) and whatever the circumstance, I've always tried to be humble (and yeah I've said in the previous paragraph that I was arrogant -- make up your mind?? ).

So I guess with all that being said, I suppose it is but fair that I expect the same amount of respect as I give them.

I've been a fool -- a fool to believe in so-called good faith, but you see, such a thing no longer exists, that is, if it ever did. People only ever know you if they can use you. Perhaps I am just weighed down by a heavy dose of pessimism with the world, but quite frankly, I have proven it time and time again. It's sad but then again, it's true.

And Filipinos?? They are not just painters of the image of the world that I perceive as of late, in fact they are the images themselves. It is they who repay kindness with disdain for your dignity, and respect with arrogance. And quite frankly, I know I had my share of forgiving them. I have dismissed a lot of cheap shots as jokes over the course of three terms. But, as all humans do, I have had enough of it. In fact, I daresay my mentor Bruce would have reacted the same way as I did.

It's sad that it is so close to Christmas, a day when the greatest gift we can give to our enemy is forgiveness. But sadly, it could not be helped. And yes, I, myself have offended others, and for the record, I know I have a lot to answer to when I meet our Creator, but.... sigh... I am a human being after all, and as such, I sometimes let my emotions get the better of my rationality. This is sadly one of those times. And while I do believe that the problem with an eye for an eye is that everybody would end up blind, I think I know myself enough to know that this is well beneath me, so I'm willing to take my chances and let the chips fall where they may.

I wish everyone a happier Christmas, at least happier than mine. God keep everyone.

posted by Dexter @ 1:11 PM Comments: 0