Officially Saying Goodbye...
Loving a friend is one of the hardest things I have ever coped up this past year... One of the problems I had to encounter with it was the dilemma as to whether I confess everything or not to my friend.. Keeping secrets is not what a typical friend would do, right? But when I was faced with that dilemma, I decided not to tell her... One would call it lying... I prefer to call it betrayal... Betraying the trust a friend gave me... But on the other hand, if I decided to confess everything to her, I would end up losing her just the same..
What a magnificent situation, ain't it?
And then, when you lose that person, you lose two special people in your life... You lose your love and your friend all at the same time...
And then, it feels as if it's so hard to live, because you've lost a friend you've grown to live with...
(Sighs..)
Maybe if I had just kept my heart out of sight, then everything would have been better... Now, I dont't regret anything... I generally don't have any regrets in life... It's just one of the many "what-if's" I have that could have changed my life altogether...
What if I had not fallen? Then maybe we would still be friends and everything would still be alright..
Still, it's been ages since she said goodbye (in silence, that is)...
It's probably time for me, too, to do the same...
And silently, too, I wave goodbye to everything I've known from the most special angel to my heart...
With a lighter heart... With a lighter feeling...
And now, knowing...
Next time....
I'll keep my heart out of sight...
Goodbye to you...
--- written on a piece of paper dated May 16, 2005
My Lucky Day...
As grumpy as I was for the past few days, I never expected my mood to change so quickly... Yeah, the blogsounds are still down, the deleted files my "beloved" nephew has corrupted are still unrecovered, the cd player of my PC is also erratic... Honestly, I thought about pulling my hair out last night.. It was too much for me...
When I woke up today at 6am, things looked as bleak as yesterday... My eyebrows were still curled in a dangerous arch, my breath was still long and "sigh-y", my hands were also shaking to ball up in rage...
Friday, I thought... Just another plain, boring, annoying day.
The morning shower also passed without much happening... But the tides began to turn when I started preparing breakfast...
"AWWWWWWWWWWWWW," my father yawned as he was stretching his hands up into the air... "Wow!!"
"Wow????" My eyebrows arched even higher....
He looked at me apprehensively. After finding out that my nephew ruined my files, he knew I was in no good mood... His confirmation that that little devil went home with a muchly-deserved shiner, also made his convictions as to if my quarterly-fit has come one month earlier a lot stronger.
Many people dread my quarterly-fits.. Every three months, I go into a frenzy and do some rather freaky things.. It's not really as if I time these fits up to happen every three months.. It just so oddly happens that, rather COINCIDENTALLY, my nephew comes to destroy my valuable files EVERY THREE MONTHS...
"Wow," my father repeated in a rather shaky smile...
I returned to frying the "frankfurts"... ( I love to call them that.. ) Keep your calm, I thought to myself... No point in exploding at dad, he's not that little devil.. Just fry these up and you can probably get back to your bed and let this fit end...
"I'm quite surprised you're not happy today," said dad...
"Excuse me?" I let the spoon fall with a loud clatter... Cool, Dex, keep your cool... Dad's probably just trying to cheer you up...
Dad looked at the fallen spoon on the floor... "I'm quite surprised," he repeated smiling even broader, "that you're not happy today... Today's May 13, you know."
"What's with May 13?!" I replied as I bent down to retrieve the spoon... I don't want to lose my temper, I don't want to lose my temper... "Look, dad... I'm in no mood for....."
"I know you're not in the mood these past few days," my father cut me off, "but honestly, I kinda expected Friday the 13th to cheer you up..."
CLINK!! The spoon fell to the ground for a second time..
"Friday the 13th?" I said with a rather shaky voice.. My lips were slowly curling itno an unmistakable grin...
My dad seemed to be satisfied with my grin too... He gave me a final pat in the shoulder and went to take his shower..
Firday the 13th.. What a delightful day...
Well, of course many people are afraid of Friday the 13th because sometimes, unearthly things happen on this day... I, myself have had my share of spooks with it...
When I was in Grade 6, on a rather cold Friday the 13th, my friend and I were hanging out on the penthouse.. Suddenly he complained that his leg was aching.. When we looked at his leg, we saw blood flowing from it.. He looked terrified as he clutched his leg with a white hankerchief and squirmed in pain... His denims were slowly turning into a crimson tint.. Soon, we were on the elevator and just a few steps from his apartment.. We looked at his leg another time and saw drops of blood stain the marble floor...
BING!! The doorbell shrieked... The door opened and a suprised face greeted us...
"I didn't expect you to be this early," his mother said in an obviously surprised tone... "Do come in.. "
"Uhm auntie, his leg is........," I began anxiously...
"Yeah?" she asked in a rather quizzical look....
"It's bleeding, ma.." my friend replied...
"It looks perfect to me," she said.
Both of us looked at his leg.....
and there was not a single drop of blood..
His pants were perfectly blue, the floor was perfectly marbly white... Nothing.. Absolutely nothing... Except...
the white hankerchief that he used, was not white anymore..
but red....
Freaky.....
Still, after I grew a certain liking into "dead men" and stuff, Friday the 13th didn't bother me anymore... In fact, I treated the day like my birthday and celebrated it.. To top it all up, I feel extremely happy and lucky at this certain day..
Weird, aren't I??
Oh, well...
Maybe I am...
But...
At least I'm happy with being me, right? XD
Never Coming Back
The room was dark, had not the lights given off a faint amber flicker. Still, it didn't suffice so as to make the state of half-nothingness the room was in disappear completely...
It was a special day,as far as I could think of.. Music was being played in the background, and everybody was eager for his turn to come..
A sea of white filled some of the tight spaces and a multitude of hues filled the others... I could barely see some reds and blues speckled with occasional yellows and greens because of the somewhat dark landscape.. Still, it was not hard to see the smiles pasted on everyone's face...
Yes, it was graduation day...
It had barely seemed to start when I realized that it has ended... As if somebody decided to push the fast forward button, people were soon starting to rise from their chairs and leaving one by one...
I pulled back... Taking a last look at everything, I sighed as both parent and student marched out and emptied the auditorium..
And then......
An outstretched hand held a piece of blue paper...
"What's this?" I asked.
"Just read it."
And she left without another word...
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I woke up with a jolt... Looking left to right, I sat up and saw the black sky from my window..
2:30AM in a bright neon red color told me everything I needed to know.
"It was just a dream..."
What a weird dream.. This isn't the first time I actually had this dream.. Last year, in Mid-November, I had the exact same dream, but was too stupid to neglect it..
I was actually confident that there's no way our friendship will be broken... Too confident, in fact.. I felt she was never going to leave me.. But it seems I was wrong..
For just like that dream...
She had left me in real life too...
And I thought I had already gotten over her... At least, that's what I try to convince myself...
But I feel guilty... for that dream...
because somewhere deep inside me, I still want her to return..
Why don't I just learn?? Why am I still waiting for her?? When I know....
Just know...
That just like in that dream.....
In reality, she's never coming back....
A Little Light on A Stormy Mother's Day
Usually, when the second Sunday of May falls, our whole family schedule's busy... The usual mother's day would start solemnly with a Sunday mass, continue on with a shopping spree, and end with a satisfying, quiet dinner outside...
Today, however, things didn't go exactly as planned...
Oh, our schedules were busy alright.. It's actually one of our busiest days ever..
I woke up today at 6am.. But it wasn't to buy a cake or a present for mom.. It was to go to our shop and receive some stocks that was supposed to be delivered yesterday afternoon.. It took my entire morning out.. By the time I got home, I smelled like a thousand year-old carton box and was utterly wretched...
I found nobody at the house and had satisfied myself into thinking that my dad and my mom continued on without me.. Now that's a happy thought, I thought to myself. At least mom's having a great time.. I went to take a shower and had barely wiped my hair dry before the phone rang into a deafening shriek...
"Hello?"
"DJ?? Kamusta ung mga stocks?" It was my dad.. "Wala naman damage noh? Kung sakali itawag mo na lang sa supplier natin. Alam mo naman number diba?"
"Okay lang.. Nacheck ko na lahat.. Nothing seems to be damaged."
"Okay.. Sige may meeting kasi ako e.. Oo nga pala, pwede ba samahan mo mom mo sa mall? 3 pa kasi uwi ko e.. May emergency meeting.."
WHAT!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
"Ha?? Hindi ba kayo magkasama ni mommy?"
"Hindi. Pag-alis mo may emergency call ako natanggap. Kailangan magmeeting eh... Bakit wala ba siya diyan?"
"Wala eh.."
"Ah.. Baka nainip na yun.. Siguro umalis na lang mag-isa.."
"Siguro nga."
"Sige anak, gotta go.."
CLICK!
My dad hung up before I could say another word..
Well, probably mom did go alone, alright.. She was never that patient in waiting anyways..
I was beginning to go out again to recheck the stocks when I noticed a sheet of paper hastily stuck on the placemat..
"Ano to??"
I picked it up and began to read it..
"Sinugod si am'a sa ospital."
WHAT !?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Before I knew it, I was on the road on my way to the hospital... It was 1pm when I arrived.. I silently crept inside the room where my grandmother was confined... She was sleeping silently with my mom sitting beside her.
Diagnosis: PNEUMONIA
I was crushed... I began crying silent tears... Everything is so wrong.. We weren't able to celebrate mother's day.. My grandmother is sick and who knows if she'll be saved?
Just then the doctor came in..
"Don't worry... Hindi pa grabe pneumonia niya.. Kakaumpisa pa lang. Gagaling pa siya."
Thank God for that!!
To top it all up, my grandmother's friend arrived and relieved my mom... (Where the heck is my uncle?!?!?!) She was able to shop a little, although she kept worrying about granny's condition.. And although thing's weren't exactly as planned, seeing my mom smiled from time to time was the greatest thing I ever saw for quite a while.. XD
Mother's day this year for me was a bit stormy..
But at least there was still some light..
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO ALL!! XD
Written on Blue
Among those hobbies of mine that are quite eccentric, I must admit that I find my collecting and archiving letters and notes the most enjoyable of them all...
Every summer vacation, when I come to cleaning out my closet (as in literally) I find something new in my letters that leave me amazed... This year, it's no different...
Among the 6,000 or so letters that I possess, (yes, it already reached more than 6,000..) three of them caught my attention. Hidden among the piles and piles of whitish chaos of bits and pieces of paper, were sheets in tinges of overly distinguishable blue...
Last night, as I separated the triad of letters written in blue and started to read them one by one, I was surprised all the same..
"Coincidentally", all three of them were sad letters....
The first "blue" letter dated back when I was still in Grade 2.. It was from a friend... a best friend.... It was to say he was leaving to study elsewhere... I remember crying when I first read it as an 8 year old boy... The thought of someone very close to me leaving crushed me deep within... He was THE friend of all friends... There was so many things we shared. Not a moment was dull when we were together... And although it's actually almost a decade since he left, I still can feel deep sorrow whenever I read it... Yes, the grammar was a bit off-the-line, his handwriting crooked from left to right, and the lead of his pencil smudged most of the paper into a greysih tint... Still, that letter leaves me trying to suppress a tear from within me..
The second letter was written when I was in 1st year... It was from my best friend, (the same one that wrote me the first "blue" letter)... There was really nothing sad about it.. In fact, he was full of bliss as he was telling me how he enjoyed it there, how he met new friends, how he visited all the places there.. He even invited me there, saying that he's excited to show me the place... The reason why this letter also crushed me, was because of the accident that shortly happened after he wrote this letter. A few minutes afterwards, he went out and got ran over by a truck... He was rushed to the hospital, and yet the doctors weren't able to save him.. He was dead on arrival.. I really was speechless when I found out... One minute, we were planning to get together again after so many years, and the next thing you know, he's no longer here with me and there is no way for us to be together again..
When I put the second "blue" letter down, I could barely suppress the outburst of emotions from within my heart. And yet, I wanted to finish the last letter...
And so I did..
The last "blue" letter, was, unlike the first two, from a girl, and was given to me just two months ago, on our highschool graduation ceremony.. It was, like the first letter, written for the purpose of saying goodbye, and yet unlike it, was under an entirely different reason, which, I am sorry to say, is a little bit sheer stupidity.. I won't deny that I am sad when I read it, but I aslo feel a pang of fury.. Sheer disappointment... No other reason... Just sheer disappointment.. I had expected a much more rational decision, and yet, a turned back was all I got... And no other line in that letter added more salt to the injury than this..
"If our friendship is not destroyed because of this letter, then keep in touch.." (Words altered to protect the identity of the sender)
What a preposterous joke...
Still, it was her decision... Nothing to argue about that...
Anyways, all of the letters written on blue....... WERE blue...
Coincidence??
Maybe.....
I just hope, that the next letter written on blue...
Would not be as blue as those three anymore....
An April Shower's Lesson
It was raining heavily...
On the 28th of April, I never expected the weather to turn so horrible; and that was the reason why I decided to work on one of my grandma's yard. Most of it was barren, except for a few drying flowers that survived the summer heat...
Digging a hole, planting a seed, and putting the dirt back over the seedling... It was an endless cycle of what seemed like hours under the hot sun.. The clouds showed no hint of the downpour it was holding back... The sun perched loftily on its throne... It was what I would call a perfect day...
Of course, that sense of "perfectness" changed...
When the clouds shifted over the shadowed arch, droplets of water came pouring from the heavens... the sky greyed.. the sun no longer the master of the cloudy dome...
At first I felt defeated, just like that very sun... The "perfect" day I was enjoying seemed like a dream I only had... I was very angry... "Curse the rain," I muttered under my breath... "Just when I was enjoying myself!"
And I sat myself on the sill (of the door, of course) where I was sheltered. I looked at the garden I was working on before the rain started and tried to count the raindrops that showered it...
And what I saw as I counted those endless droplets of water.... made me reconsider my thoughts about that certain April shower..
For the few flowers that were withered seemed to be celebrating because of the rain... They danced with the wind and tried to catch the drops of water with which they were parched.
And the barren soil??? They, too, seemed to love the rain which I, earlier, detested. Looking at the yard, I felt it seemed pleased for the rain was cleansing it and purifying it altogether...
The sun??? Well, of course, to me, I thought it was most displeased... For he that usually rules the skies is now shunned back by the rain...
I finally realized that cursing the rain was wrong... Weird?? Hahaha... No, no.. There is some principle behind it...
"What you see depends on where you look from."
By putting myself at the shoes of the sun, the soil, and the flowers, I felt that what each of them saw with the rain was different from each other... The sun was disgruntled and although both the soil and the flowers rejoiced, it was because of different reasons.
And that was how it it with human beings, too.. You see, each of the them (the rain, the sun, the soil and the flowers) personifies a different person in reality... Each person holds different views from others, and we should learn to respect that.. One should not condemn someone just because he holds a different view from himself. Most importantly, one should look at a person with an open heart. One should not be biased in treating others and should try to look on the views of "the sun, the soil and the flowers" before judging the "summer rain".
That sense of "perfectness" changed. But wouldnt you believe??
It changed for the better...
Just because of an April shower...
