This is where we begin
The priest went around flailing the vial of holy water about, before finally stopping before me. "You deserve to be blessed," he remarked smiling, the unmistakable yet inexplicable aura emanating from him. I guess I've always held priests in high regard.
It wasn't much, and yet I don't think I deserved that kindness, nor any for that matter, because for what I was worth, I guess I deserved to rot in hell. That's not exactly a comforting thought, to say the very least.
But then, at one point or another, we begin to wonder why we're here and ponder the bigger questions, as I did here today. And I guess, I'm still alive because I haven't fulfilled my mission. In fact, I don't think I even know what it is. All I know is that I could still make up for everything I've done, and therefore, if ey is equal to bee, I should.
Knowing what to do and doing it are two very different things. I guess I've always had the chances and the opportunities to turn my life around. It goes without saying, as I'm obviously still stuck in a rut, that I haven't exactly done that.
I've been talking to some friends about how I feel as though I know very little about things. I wonder when and where and how I would come to understand the things I don't understand about school and about life itself. Two words: self doubt.
But I guess, knowing where you lack, you know where to begin, and beginning is winning half the battle. And between the beginning and the end is where you give back.
This is where we begin.
Somewhere between gone and goodbye
We were neither where we should be nor there where we want to be, but we were packing our bags all the same, knowing our lives were really just a full stretch of road ahead that neither of us were going to be a part of anymore.
It was three days away from midnight, and the flowers were wilting, and the little bottle was collecting dust upon the shelves. It was something I should have given her four days ago, but I guess some things were just more important than she was. I could only sit now and watch other people carry flowers on the way to school on one hand, and a box of sweets on the other, knowing it was something I should have been doing myself.
But it was over; or perhaps, we've simply snapped out of the disillusionment that it had even begun, for it never did. From the outside looking in, we were just people who happened to be there at the right place, at the right time, that there was nothing more than a favor I've delivered in return.
I've seen where I disagree with other people about decisions - from Zette's oft-too-yucky optimism as opposed to my usual cutthroat cynicism; to Kanny - definitely the last person on earth I expected to talk to about it - and her saying that my sweetness may yet make her change her mind about leaving, airport scene and all in impeccable slash Hollywood fashion; to Kev, who was most probably ready to bite my head off from the get-go; to James making the most sense -
Kung gusto, maraming paraan; kung ayaw, maraming dahilan; and finally to J.L. who shared similar sentiments.
But ultimately, whichever way other people may put it, calling it off was the right thing to do, simply because we find the only people capable of defining the subtle degradations of the ethics and principles by which we root our identities and decisions upon are, after all, ourselves. There was no leaving things to fate, to rationalizing about not having control over whatever. We need to do what we need to do, with what we think is right, and we have to be okay with that.
I guess there's no denying, despite the differences we had, was that it was really a sad story that ended up in the estrangement of one party from the other, which, I might add, should never have happened from the start; but we have to move on. There's only so much left to ponder about even as
Somewhere Down the Road plays one more time.
Point zero point zero
We had our fair share of the late nights shared over cups of coffee in front of the screen; the promises made then, the ones kept long ago, and the ones that were broken now; the unwarranted outbursts of cheesiness; the confession of feelings hidden and rekindled; and the random expressions of thoughtfulness that were not so random after all.
But I guess we all knew the inevitability of our story from the start. We understood where the line was drawn, so we never harbored false hopes. So though it ends now, perhaps, too little too soon, and we're back where we began, I know we'll always have that little table in front of the kitchen; and I'm glad we tried.
I love you, and goodbye.
Wherever you will go
Save the fireworks and the roses, and dismiss the marching band. When the stars conspire to make your life a tad, if not a tad more difficult than it already is, suddenly waking up on the wrong side of the bed, finding yourself on the wrong side of time constraints and an overpouring of other commitments, you can only do so much.
I already gave my word; I was supposed to meet her this Thursday. It's supposed to be something symbolic, after all - being together at the start of another year in the lunar calendar. Ironically, things have gotten in the way yet again. We defend our work this Friday, and we're all struggling to regroup. As if that bomb were not enough, Sir Tan announced a test on advanced math this Saturday only hours ago.
So while we finally seemed to be getting nudged in the right direction together, the promise of three years seeming to make a premature takeoff, it only seems to get awrier as we go along.
We can only assume and counter assume so much before we reach a dead end. The last counter assumption was that if she was truly important to me, then I would certainly find the reasons and the excuses to go. Does this mean she's not important to me? Care to counter?
