Rants
The weeks have been getting increasingly exasperating... I've been barraged with paperwork lately that my leisure time has been effectively cut off to a tenth of the time that I used to have for myself... Sighs... Not that I'm complaining about it.. I love this feeling of sweet busy-ness ( I was supposed to say business but thought it sounded wrong).. Still I suppose I deserve a well earned break, after working myself out this past week...
Examinations count is on an all time high... AC analysis quiz on Tuesday, BJT DC bias and stablization the day after, Poisson and Normal Distribution on Friday, plus Laplace, Legendre and Cauchy Euler on Saturday... Plus, a theoretically possible Ideal Gas quiz on Saturday...
If that wasn't enough, submission of the research proposal on superconductors, and of the interpretations of another study... Preparations for the LED oral report, both written and powerpointed... What's there not to be happy about life?? ^^
We were supposed to have judgment day all over again with the ECE test, but lo! Due to popular demand, the test was postponed till next Wednesday... Sighs... Leaves me with more time to brood and calculate my chances I suppose.. C'est la vie...
Next Tuesday officially marks our final regular week actually, so that's not really much of a surprise... After that, and the finals that follow, plus the oral report on a semiconductor of fate's choosing, and it's another well deserved sem break.. I sure hope everyone passes... For the record, no one is out of the woods yet, and this is, hands down, the most demanding sem of all...
Rumors have been running rampant about our block not being a block anymore next semester... Sighs.. I know I've complained about
some of my irresponsible and feeling-close classmates before, but the whole class?? Guess it's for the best...
Nothing much really to say.. Guess I needed to rant a bit about life in general... Deeper posts will come soon.. After racking my brains for English, it's just hard to focus... We'll get to that some time...
Til then.. Cheers ^^
The Way We Were
He smiled to them, but deep inside him were tears that welled up for so long, uncried, and unshed; and no one knew. For he came in, as always, clad, powerful and unfazed in stature. After all, this was how everyone expected him to be. But this was not who he was inside. He was tired, but he was not allowed to rest. He had to be their wall although he was crumbling within. Not that he was not normally so; he had loved to be independent, focused. But a point of weakness comes to everyone's lives, and that was his.
Where exactly did he stand? How much has he gained through the miles that he walked? And in turn, what has he lost? What does the road ahead have in store for him? Or was this the end of the road? Has he walked too much, seen too much, and hurt too much? Has he tasted what life really was, and felt how it was to really be alive? Just what has he done in the way to be at peace when Death would come to take him away? Knowing that life has given him something, just what has he left behind?
These were two faces of the same man... rhetorical, yet papercut... motivated, yet destroyed... and this was his unsung story of old...
But it was over now... It is, after all, the advent of a new beginning, and he had to leave all the bitterness, the grudge, the doubts, and the sorrows behind...
"For that was his moment of loneliness, but there are other emotions in the world, and he wanted to experience them as well..." It couldn't have been better said...
Cheers everyone! ^^
Dead Level
What do my resignations make me? Does it make me smart, drawing lines when lines had to be drawn? Or does it make me a loser, giving up on just about anything when things betrayed even the slightest glint of difficulty?
And so I ask myself, is it just that I am simply fighting the losing battle? Or is it just that I should have just tried to cross lines rather than draw them?
Maybe, this is the very essence of life -- to fall into a pit, be brought to your knees, and yet still having the guts to stand up, and learn to never fall onto the same pit again. Standing up makes us brave; and staying up teaches us to be strong. In the end, it is this, that is the bane, and joy simply to be human.
Indeed things are very different now. But I have to live with life, cope up, and try to stay alive. Everything is pointing to failure, but let's see if we can't make a little magic. It's pass, or die trying. There is very little to lose, and perhaps everything to gain. Let's see if this flame holds up until after I see my grades.
Maybe, life, and not death, is the greater leveler after all.
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Unfortunately, I still haven't seen my grades yet. Judgment day has since been extended indefinitely. Sheesh talk about mind games... I sure hope I can still keep my wits about me until then. Sighs.
The second quiz WAS distributed last week though, and sadly, I failed that too, although by a teeny margin that I am really hoping my prelims would save. I still have my fingers crossed.
Oh well, I still have to study for DE and Stat... Toodles everyone. ^^
Doubts
Things have changed, but I have simply not changed with them. The times have gotten tougher, but my mind seems to drift from a state of half death and half awakedness, my focus drifting in and out, once being so intense, and thereafter dull. It is as if my brain is in suspended animation, preserved in a jar of freezing jell-o, biding its time until it has to, well, be in suspended animation no more.
I sure as hell hope that it has done biding its time, for although my hands have solved just the umpteenth equation, my eyes read the gazillionth word, and my forehead wrinkled with as much concentration I dare muster without losing consciousness, I am still drawing a blank. And you know it's bad when the unflappable old self decides to forgo good ol' fashioned English and come sup with words like jell-o and uses papercut irony to make my point.
And the point is I am failing... badly. I've never ever remembered when my butt was handed to me in a plate since Sir De Vera did in Physics on our first sem during our fourth year. But even then, at about the dawn of the -ber months, I was already prancing away like Santa's reindeer as I knew I was well on the way to recover. Things don't look as good now as it did then. For possibly the first time ever in my life, and hopefully the last, I'd have to say that I think I am not going to make it through the semester.
I really don't know what it is I'm doing wrong. Maybe it's easy to lay a finger and say that, hey, I'm wasting so much time in front of the monitor nowadays at Argent or Shaitan, and that is a good two-three hours that I could have spent going over notes, or reading some chapters of BJT's, FET's and what not. But meh.. With some of my views changed, realizing some things which I shall discuss in a later post, it is no longer my cup of tea to drown myself in a flurry of words and variables and constants. Of course, I still need to pass. Sighs.
Wish me luck on Wednesday.. That's when I know I'll pass or fail... Hopefully it's not fail.
Cheers everyone.
