Time for One Last Hurrah
We came as close to our demise as we've ever been; but we looked squarely at its face, scarred, marred, its eyes disfigured, its breath hanging putridly upon the air.
And somehow, we survived, didn't we? Ah, yes, we got lucky indeed - not everyone would have had that second wind, nor that chance to pick up where we had foolishly left off. We passed the subject - maybe with not so much flourish or flair to talk about - but we passed nonetheless. For that moment, it was all that mattered.
It comes as no surprise that it should rear its ugly face once again. It was a given, of course, that things would only get much tougher as we go.
The stage is set for a new year and it was curtain call. And yet, I'm not quite sure if I'm ready to leave just about now. Sure, passing the subject, and ultimately the term, was a milestone all unto itself. But then, that was not entirely what this year had meant for me, was it? There's much else that has happened before and after then I have yet to absorb, or to simply remember. Cramming everything up all into a single day was sheerly impossible. For someone who brooded as much as I did - or perhaps that only makes it more so - time, indeed, was my greatest enemy.
As pots and pans began to clank, sauces bubble, meats sizzle, and puffs of smoke rise with flashes of colors that light up the sky, it becomes almost too surreal.
"The base was good; but was that really cow testicles I just ate?"
Familiar feelings: "Is this love?"
"Yan ang problema sayo Dex! Minsan masyado ka kasing responsible."
"Tama??"
"You can do it mentally."
"Pero, well... You're right, I do like you. Kase andito na rin lang tayo; might as well say it diba? Ayoko lang someday, magka-what-if's ako."
"Payag ba guys? Payag noh?"
"Fargildue! Slash! Slash!"
"58... 59... 60... 61... Uhhhhhh, hindi ko na kaya!"
"When the diode is pointing to the left... To the left, to the left..."
"Sorry... kase I fell for you."
"Next term hindi na tayo block!"
"Bawal ang mga bading."
"The right stuff?? Enter."
"Rubik's? Maganda yung FriedRice method!"
"Baka isang araw nyan, malaman ko nalang kumakain ka rin pala ng utak ng baka. By the way, you want to try live worms?? Hahaha!"
So maybe it was the fear that things will never be quite the same again - perhaps because the year has just been that memorable.
And yet, even that was a moot point. As much as I cared to admit that the clock was tick-tick-ticking too fast for my tastes - oh, yes, I am a sucker for nostalgia - there was, is, still no stopping change.
But if nothing else, now, more than ever, I realize who I truly am; my person redefined, my soul tempered, my emotions tapped. In a lot of ways, I have become someone as only I can ever hope to be, and only because, ironically, I had embraced change - it does pay, I found this year, to get out of your comfort zone.
Surely, I will move on, if not simply out of doing justice to the year that has just passed. The problem with staying in one place for too long is that it gets us nowhere. Not even trying to move on is, I suppose, a mockery of all that I've been given.
So, after all's been said and done, there is, I resolve, no place for stagnation this year. I'll try anything, I'll risk everything. We have only one life to live, so we had to live it well and enjoy, no matter how things change.
So... Those live worms? Where's the best place to get them?
Tabula Rasa
So where did we all stand now? Or perhaps, yet, where did I? Do I say how far away I've come from home, or by how much I've done of what? Or maybe is it just how much I have lost to meet an end, or by what I have simply gained?
And yet, we know, that even as we define the yardsticks by which we think we measure the things that close and fill the empty voids in our lives, we all will concede, eventually, surely, that it was still hard to say.
It was the end of another year, and things are different now. And though it ends as much as usual with a bigger waistline and the inevitable
Auld Lang Syne, we find that while cruder years meant - at least for me - more brooding time as though the rest of the year were not enough, dramatic exits and speeches are likewise - at least while the time calls for us to be introspective, or to be more introspective than usual on a personal note- slowly beginning to become inescapable as well.
There is, I suppose, something sincere with how ways give way to other ways, and things to other things, and yet still be etched and engraved in our minds and in our hearts for years and years to come. And so, while
things have changed only for the umpteenth time, we find that the more things change, the more they really tend to stay the same. Inasmuch as we have strayed too long or perhaps too far away from home, we know that there will always be a place and a time where we can always look back to and remember with fondness.
I have had a few epiphanies in my life. There were times, I admit, where I was simply overwhelmed with how I represent but a mere and utter dot in the vast infinity that we call time and space. Being where I was made me wonder why I was there. And not unlike any paradox, as counter intuitive as it may seem, the more we learned, the less we really knew.
And yet despite these uncertainties that are as much a part of the road as the road itself, we find that there are risks worth taking, ideals worth proving, and a love worth fighting for. There will always be chance conversations we had to make, smiles we had to give, and dreams we had to share. Sometimes, through gritted teeth and all, we had to do what we had to do; sometimes, still, we had to take a step back to move forward. In the end, we are, I found out, our own destinies, our weaknesses, our fortresses, our enemies.
So where exactly did I stand now? Quite honestly, I do not know. All I know is that there will always be heartbreaks and triumphs along the way, and that somewhere down the road, we will always be reminded what it means to fail, to try, to succeed; to love, be loved or simply not at all. We will find that patience was not a virtue - for it was the
only virtue; that there will be times when things will eventually fall into the right place at the right time, times when you have to make them, and times when it was simply not meant... that there will be times when it was better to be alone, and times when it was better to share a story or two, or ten, or more... and that, most of all, in the end, we get what we deserve, by how much love and how much time we put in the doing...
It would take more than just a while to say all the things that I am, and the things that I'm not. But ultimately, I will always be a traveler, filling the empty spaces in my soul with moments and memories from other travelers as myself; and waiting, of course, for
the other traveler who will make my journey that much more special.
And as I pack my bags to go on my way, I know, that as much as things may change, and even though I may never come back, I will simply never forget this road; not now, not ever.
Into the fire
And it was still that night; but then, I knew, that I could have gone on and on, forever carrying the proverbial torch for her, silently, willingly, and uncomplainingly.
Yet as I laid there quietly, tossing, brooding, weighing chances, and brooding some more, my emotions, as safe as I thought they were in that balloon, came pouring out like nobody else's business. I found out, that I couldn't contain them after all.
And I thought, that if things were going to change, I had to change them for myself. It seemed that finally, I was already prepared to take that step. I guess, somehow, there just has been an urge to let my feelings loose and see how things would unfold from there. And for whatever it was worth, and for what it meant to everyone else who knew as much, that part of the journey did begin.
And, I guess that for the most part, I expected things would get awkward as it did back then, and for that, I was prepared. I was ready for a lot of things. I knew by taking that step, I was going to be shunned, temporarily, otherwise, or maybe even ignored altogether.
But, like all good drama soaps, things just didn't turn out the way I expected them. Not that she fell for me like it was a dream come true - for it was a given, and a blatant one at that, that that was improbable, if not, simply impossible. But the thing was, she didn't ignore me, nor shunned me.
Instead, for what it meant to me, she shrugged it off, acknowledging that it was just a joke and I was the big joker. She laughed, and, for her, that was the end of it. Convincing, as much and as hard as I tried, didn't exactly make her change her mind.
And from there, like all good times, and bad, things began to crumble; and I began to get cold feet. Maybe it was simply frustration. Whatever it was, the fact remained. And that was simply gut-wrenching and heartbreaking altogether. I was hanging within an edge of my life with but a thread of hope and she was just laughing it off, shrugging it off. She thought it was all a joke, or maybe yet, she thought that I was the joke. Regrets began to sink in, and the screams came after that. I felt powerless, and I was simply dying inside.
Admittedly, love was, and still is an area where I sucked - and I sucked badly, at that. But even this was just all too much. Stepping up, I lost my ground. I came out of my comfort zone to do something against my better judgment. Out of the stove and into the fire, they say.
And yet she didn't have to be so numb. She could have just slapped me in the face when we met, screamed, shouted, got angry - all that would have just been okay. Laughing it off just drove me insane.
And there were just a lot of things that I didn't know nor could even begin to comprehend. Things began to take on strange and unfamiliar forms. Not knowing where to go, and not knowing what to do is simply something that I've never been accustomed to feeling.
I just feel so bad right now, and I'm not okay at all. I can't concentrate on work; we were supposed to submit a design proposal this January and I haven't exactly started working on that yet because I was too busy thinking up of ideas to surprise her when we meet. But then, I suppose even that is going to be just another joke for her. I fought with a close friend when he made a snide and foolish remark about her, but then she doesn't even care about that, does she?
I'm yapping like a baby, or perhaps, more fittingly yet, like an overgrown chimpanzee who just lost his banana. I always knew I got it bad, and I could swear that I came prepared. But I never expected her to react like that, and much less myself for reacting this way. I mean, I never reacted like this before, but I just don't know where to go from here, nor where to begin. I wish I can just pick things up where I had left off, wake up from a bad dream and then it was business as usual. I drift in my dreams, thinking, or perhaps maybe hoping, that everything would be alright. But that just won't do it.
At this point in the playful and often confusing scheme of things, the only thing that was clear to me was - well - the unclarity of things. Some say I'm simply too pessimistic for my own good. But I don't know; things just aren't looking up. At this point, I don't know if I should quit, but then again, I don't know if I should continue either.
And so the story ends like this
So what exactly was it that I feared most losing? Was it my ego? My pride? Or is it that I really had nothing to lose, but everything else to gain? Was I going to tread the same path, ultimately growing tired of trudging on after losing my heart in a whirl of love and poetry in the end, or was I ready to take the crucial step to the other side, and see things from an "un-single" perspective?
More questions, as usual.
I suppose it all boils down to decisions. Guts and instincts, they say - and they're not exactly areas where I excel where my love life is concerned. And so, I guess, that what ultimately holds me back is contemplating the fact that it took more than three years to rebuild that friendship - a friendship that I feared, nor perhaps I exactly wanted to risk, losing ever again. It's a tired cliche, but believe me, it's true.
But then again, maybe all this is just an excuse.
And, well, things have changed. Priorities have taken hold, more so than they ever did, and the much sought-after love life inevitably relegates to the proverbial back seat. And she? Well, she starts work soon.
Things, I've learned, will eventually come to pass. Feelings fade; and maybe - I'm hopeful - that I'll be able to hold out until then, and the balloon that holds my emotions together would not come bursting out as it did three years before. Then again, if that were true, then, I wouldn't be writing this, would I?
You'd think after three years that none of what she says and does would stir anything out of the ruthless old self anymore. But she'd text, and even that was enough to make me jump for joy. I had to be dragged to the dinner table last time to get me to eat, and even then, I was holding my phone like it was my new best friend, texting feverishly in between mouthfuls. Had it not been for the fact that she had to sleep early for her classes, then I probably would have been more than eager to stay up well into the ungodly hours of the day. The fact was, the
magic is still there.
But another fact was, it didn't change a damn thing. The fact was, I was just another face, on another place, on another time from years ago. Sadly, I was, and I still am, too gutless to make that impression, to do the things that I felt I had to do to make her fall for me the same way I fell for her. Maybe, it was because she never took me seriously. Or maybe, I just never did the things that convinced her to make her take me seriously.
It's a hopeless case, to tell the truth. I swoon over someone who I know is probably never going to share that
magic with me. But then again, don't we all?
Eventually, I know, I'll be forgotten. And, I know just as much, that I'm entirely to blame. Risking nothing, I ultimately get nothing in return. But for now, that was alright. I take solace in the fact that if things were to take a turn for the better, then, they eventually, and definitely will.
For now, she didn't need to know that she is my reason, and my sanity, inspite of myself, and inspite of the endless teasings in class with someone that I really didn't like. She didn't need to know that I'd rather be with her for a day than with
that someone else for a lifetime. She didn't have to know that she was the only girl who could have ever made my day the way she does. She didn't need to know that even while doing nothing, she was the only one who could make me smile.
And... she didn't need to know that after all these years, I loved her...
And I still do..
Famous Last Words
"So you like her
na noh?"
Someone dropped the question again...
And things were, well, obviously getting out of hand...
WARNING! MATH CONTENT:
The rate with which the number of people who are asking that question is expressed by the equation, Y = Yo * e ^ (k*t)...
Suddenly, the population of the people who teased me grew from just one guy, to well into a quarter of the class... And while the teasing was only reserved to "us guys" before, the person who dropped the bomb earlier today in laboratory class was a she... And that was - I'm afraid - bad news..
Prying eyes have made it a lot tougher to breathe... It was as though people have simply made it a habit- if not a mission- to throw furtive glances once every so often to catch us doing what are really trivial things, and blow them out of proportions... How they interpret those things and turn them into some sort of fairy tale for their amusement (read-
inakbayan ko DAW siya kanina) is unbelievably mind boggling...
Not that I'm really
that concerned... The things is, none of that is really true... I don't like her, at least, not in the way that they think I like her, and that was that... I'd rather be tied naked to an anthill, basted with honey and drizzled with sugar syrup than act their fantasies...
But the fact was, like all good rumors, that teeny lie was spreading like the proverbial wildfire... And that made it bad...
It's just getting really crazy to put it bluntly... People who have been otherwise oblivious of the rumors are now being misled into thinking the way
they want them to think... The thought that one of my closest friend has even asked me whether there was even a shred of truth to that makes me shudder... Oh, the paradox of it all...
And the paradox continues...
Skins
I warned you didn't I? Give me a few more minutes and I'll scrap this skin again...
Ah, how we shall ever become content is truly unfathomable...
So maybe I wasn't
that cheerful to keep the other layout... As to why I allow Kenny G's "The First Noel" to playback for just the umpteenth time is well beyond me...
Meh...
I reckoned after logging out that I needed something more simple for a layout..
This was something I had already used in the past (read- last year) because I fell in love with it the first time I saw it... For the record, I still am...
Nothing much today, really... I've just been too absorbed bloghopping and reading other people's posts that I've virtually forgotten to watch Andrew Zimmern and neglected to study for the EE test this coming Tuesday... Of course, I know I'm only delaying the inevitable...
Six people are online on my messenger, most of them being all too familiar faces... I really want to talk - double posting in a matter of four hours is testament to that - but I don't know what to say, and I have the feeling as if I'm disturbing them (read- the people I ping are either playing or watching anime) so I've given up...
I
am waiting for
her to come online though, although
she's probably invisible to me even if
she did. It would be a risky proposition to message
her every 20 minutes, hoping that
she would be there. I guess I have to be patient and wait for
her to, well, make the "wrong" move.
And after that gibberish, I still wonder why I scare some people...
Did I make much sense? Guess not...
Cheers everyone :D
Scare Tactics
Even when I was far away from my normal self, I continue to scare some people.
Take this humble blog, for example. On the year 240 B.C., the skin grew old with cobwebs before I even considered changing. But now, I change my layout as often as I change my you-know-what (it's called hyperbole, people- go figure), and a cheery-holiday-ish one, at that (we-ell, almost).
All joking aside, however, much of the concern now has resided on the fact that, I, being the master of unflappability, shaman of un-change, and guru of non-attachment, have somehow been more dynamic, if not, more erratic. Much of the teasing then has been reserved to my
being aloof (read -
masungit) leading to a friendly (or otherwise) "fitting" nickname, as being the "resident Frankenstein"... Kiss Frankenstein goodbye, baby - someone else is in the house.
Admittedly though, I do have been uncharacteristically friendly and cheerful ( and a bit more "cooperative) these past few weeks. I do think that the holiday spirits have finally gotten to me, defeating my own Uncle Scrooge-y self... Why the sudden optimism, you ask? Well that's for a whopper double post for three weeks and four... Like they say in TV,
"eeekskluuusiboooo! suuusuunooood!!!" (and I don't watch that, by the way, just to keep the record straight)
All I can say for the more impatient readers out there, is that, for me, this year has been one of the most memorable ones I had in my life... Nothing fancy with how I string my words together, because try as I might, I know I could never put into words what I've been opened to, what I've felt, realized and done... (Read - for a more elaborate post, tune in on the twenty-fifth and thirty first of December, ONLY on, the traaaaaaaaveeeel chaaaaannel...)
... and so I scare more people with cheesiness than with being detached... Go figure...
