Oasis
For a while, I hesitated... I knew what it took to take me out of that jungle, and yet my judgment was clouded by my longing for pleasure...For the past few weeks, and for the first time in quite some time, I had doubts.. uncertainties... I failed tests, got sub-par grades... I no longer knew whether I should be here.. Not that I didn't have my fair share of doubts before.. But way back then, I always felt that I would eventually be able to transcend my limits.. It was just that this time around, the pull of temptation was so strong... Over the course of the past few days, I was not so sure.. Who I am, and where I am, and where the road will take me had I followed it.. It was somehow all vague.. Somehow, for someone who has always tried to look beyond, take plans before making a step, I knew that this time, I should allow someone else, someone who knows where it begins, and where it ends, and all the roads, much less, my own, to take the wheel...
But even then, even when I've given all that I am to the hands of our Loving Father, even when I know that His are the best hands that I could ever hope to lay my life on, I was filled with anxieties... To be clear at the outtake, it was not a matter of whether I trusted God; it was more of a matter if I trusted myself...
But now I realize I knew the answer all along... I knew what caused all that... With the self same decision that brought me to where I am now, it was yet another choice... I knew that I just had to define my priorities... It was just a matter of accepting that IT was the answer, and all I needed to do was to set the record straight, of accepting the fact that at the end of the day, this was not what I wanted... This was no where near fulfillment... I realize my goals needed defining...
I guess it was a short stint... a mirage... a false path to acceptance... But I realize now that I never really had to try to change anything of me to be accepted nor do I had to keep up with what they did, hang out virtually, when we had a test the following day and my grades suffered and I fared dismally... If that was the price I had to pay in order to have "friends", then I guess I'd rather be a hermit... It's not that I'm going back to my dark side, nor is it that I've gone back to being an apathetic being for whatever that is worth... On the contrary, as far as everyone else is concerned, I could have only wished that I had gone to this side sooner... It's just that maybe, just maybe, this is yet another one of the many kinds of selfishness, and I'm more concerned with my own well being and my own dreams than trying to fit in...
It is not an easy thing to put this hodgepodge of emotions into words... I know for a fact that I have changed a great deal in a span of one month... I've lost my temper only once for thirty days, when back then I could barely stand to keep my mouth shut in thirty seconds.. I do know for a fact, as well, that there is still a great deal left in me to change and improve... But this?? This facet of my character is not something, at least in my estimation, that I need to change...
Who we are, and what we are is entirely up to us... We could follow others, watch them lead us to mirage after mirage, but at one point or another, we will find ourselves hopelessly lost, our identities shrouded with masks and lies... It was fortunate that I realized that in the end, I guess it was a matter of responsibility, and not one of friendship...
posted by Dexter @ 5:09 PM
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