Doubts
Things have changed, but I have simply not changed with them. The times have gotten tougher, but my mind seems to drift from a state of half death and half awakedness, my focus drifting in and out, once being so intense, and thereafter dull. It is as if my brain is in suspended animation, preserved in a jar of freezing jell-o, biding its time until it has to, well, be in suspended animation no more.I sure as hell hope that it has done biding its time, for although my hands have solved just the umpteenth equation, my eyes read the gazillionth word, and my forehead wrinkled with as much concentration I dare muster without losing consciousness, I am still drawing a blank. And you know it's bad when the unflappable old self decides to forgo good ol' fashioned English and come sup with words like jell-o and uses papercut irony to make my point.
And the point is I am failing... badly. I've never ever remembered when my butt was handed to me in a plate since Sir De Vera did in Physics on our first sem during our fourth year. But even then, at about the dawn of the -ber months, I was already prancing away like Santa's reindeer as I knew I was well on the way to recover. Things don't look as good now as it did then. For possibly the first time ever in my life, and hopefully the last, I'd have to say that I think I am not going to make it through the semester.
I really don't know what it is I'm doing wrong. Maybe it's easy to lay a finger and say that, hey, I'm wasting so much time in front of the monitor nowadays at Argent or Shaitan, and that is a good two-three hours that I could have spent going over notes, or reading some chapters of BJT's, FET's and what not. But meh.. With some of my views changed, realizing some things which I shall discuss in a later post, it is no longer my cup of tea to drown myself in a flurry of words and variables and constants. Of course, I still need to pass. Sighs.
Wish me luck on Wednesday.. That's when I know I'll pass or fail... Hopefully it's not fail.
Cheers everyone.
posted by Dexter @ 2:02 PM
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