Prelude
Soon, the tables will be tidied, the letters piled, and the pictures tucked away... But we will always have Paris -- our Paris -- the moment existing only upon itself, frozen in time, forever etched and marked in our memories, all of us Rick's and Ilsa's as it were.As I prepare to go on my way, I sit among these people, remembering how I tried to hide myself, conceal my emotions and live in my own shell.. I'll remember how, for the most part, I have inevitably shared my life with them -- we giggled, cried, ranted, played, lived, loved... As I moved my eyes across all too familiar faces, faces that I have grown to seeing the past two years, I wonder whether this was the last time I'll ever be with them in the same room, and whether in a matter of weeks, they will be familiar faces no more...
The ride has been fun... True, there were more bumps and dead ends that I've come across this past few months than I ever cared to count... It was also during these months that I got angry over a lot of things, to a lot of people, brooded and ranted much more than I ever did before... But wouldn't you concede that it is undeniably when times are roughest that we as individuals learn the most?
I understood what it meant to survive, how it felt to cram, and run after grades. I experienced the feeling of doubt, of uncertainty, and that has reminded me that within me was in fact the greatest pillar and wall a man could ever have... I went through the pitfalls of having groupmates who did not prioritize responsibilities, and experienced how I, myself, failed to set goals and got failing marks as a result. I experienced how it felt like to know that passing a subject meant keeping your wits about you during examinations, trying not to cave in to the pressure of knowing that my success depended upon that fateful quiz...
Whether all these lessons that I've learned will get me through to the next semester is something that I no longer have a control over. It is at these times that I wish that I was able to set up extra points at the early goings to avoid having to dread for my grades... And yet, it is too late... I could not even say that I did my best this finals at the subjects where I teetered dangerously over the edge... I find it ironic that I am hanging in EE and ECE, the two subjects which are in fact, my field's bread and butter...
To say that I am not afraid to fail is an utter lie, but I fear not for myself, but for how mom and dad would take it... I can't begin to tell you how much of a burden it is at times, when your parents expect a lot from you, as you are their only child... It is a curse, when people think that you are infallible and snide at you when you say that you are failing with sheer disbelief... I am a lot of things, but a genius kid, much less a god as others feign to think of me, are not among them...
I dunno... I remember a particular time when a friend of mine once asked me why I didn't take up literature, and I was unable to answer... Since then, I was haunted by the question of why I am actually here...
When I was a kid, I wanted to take up veterinary medicine although I could barely pronounce the word back then...
I wonder if I made the right choice... If maybe I should have done something else, took up another course, as I never really was interested in computers and electronics... Not that I blame mom, or am I making myself an excuse to justify why I am failing.. I guess in the end, I wanted to prove that I could do it because a lot of people believed in me... Now I ask myself, was I wrong?
I'll always hope in my heart of hearts, that I will pass... And yet if I should fail, then this would not be the end -- no, not mine...
I have never been one for resolutions, for resolves, as I was the man who projected a fierce facade that masked a weak soul... And yet, for the sake of these tough times, I will...
Regardless of success or failure, I resolve to dream bigger, aim higher, and work harder... I resolve to give my responsibilities utmost attention.. I resolve to focus, to concentrate, to digest what has to be read... I resolve not to procrastinate, and to spend time on what was important first before spending time playing, watching tv, or surfing the internet... I resolve to understand the basic things about electronics and electricity, to read on amplifiers and zener diodes and everything in between... I resolve to do everything such that I would be able to give mom and dad everything they wanted when I started work... I resolve to be a man, always burning with passion in study, in work, and in life...
I'll remember all the moments, the doubts, the sadness, and the people; and in turn, I want to be remembered as the man who never quitted, who fought to the end even when things were at their bleakest... I want to be remembered as the man who recognized that life was not always pretty but lived with it...
I end this post with a beautiful quote from Anthony Bourdain of No Reservations:
"It isn't always comfortable. Sometimes it hurts. It even breaks your heart. But that's okay. The journey changes you; it should change you. It leaves marks on your memory, on your consciousness, on your heart and on your body. You take something with you. Hopefully you leave something good behind."
Viva la raza! Cheers everyone... Thank you for the memories... :')
posted by Dexter @ 5:37 PM
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