And so the story ends like this
So what exactly was it that I feared most losing? Was it my ego? My pride? Or is it that I really had nothing to lose, but everything else to gain? Was I going to tread the same path, ultimately growing tired of trudging on after losing my heart in a whirl of love and poetry in the end, or was I ready to take the crucial step to the other side, and see things from an "un-single" perspective?More questions, as usual.
I suppose it all boils down to decisions. Guts and instincts, they say - and they're not exactly areas where I excel where my love life is concerned. And so, I guess, that what ultimately holds me back is contemplating the fact that it took more than three years to rebuild that friendship - a friendship that I feared, nor perhaps I exactly wanted to risk, losing ever again. It's a tired cliche, but believe me, it's true.
But then again, maybe all this is just an excuse.
And, well, things have changed. Priorities have taken hold, more so than they ever did, and the much sought-after love life inevitably relegates to the proverbial back seat. And she? Well, she starts work soon.
Things, I've learned, will eventually come to pass. Feelings fade; and maybe - I'm hopeful - that I'll be able to hold out until then, and the balloon that holds my emotions together would not come bursting out as it did three years before. Then again, if that were true, then, I wouldn't be writing this, would I?
You'd think after three years that none of what she says and does would stir anything out of the ruthless old self anymore. But she'd text, and even that was enough to make me jump for joy. I had to be dragged to the dinner table last time to get me to eat, and even then, I was holding my phone like it was my new best friend, texting feverishly in between mouthfuls. Had it not been for the fact that she had to sleep early for her classes, then I probably would have been more than eager to stay up well into the ungodly hours of the day. The fact was, the magic is still there.
But another fact was, it didn't change a damn thing. The fact was, I was just another face, on another place, on another time from years ago. Sadly, I was, and I still am, too gutless to make that impression, to do the things that I felt I had to do to make her fall for me the same way I fell for her. Maybe, it was because she never took me seriously. Or maybe, I just never did the things that convinced her to make her take me seriously.
It's a hopeless case, to tell the truth. I swoon over someone who I know is probably never going to share that magic with me. But then again, don't we all?
Eventually, I know, I'll be forgotten. And, I know just as much, that I'm entirely to blame. Risking nothing, I ultimately get nothing in return. But for now, that was alright. I take solace in the fact that if things were to take a turn for the better, then, they eventually, and definitely will.
For now, she didn't need to know that she is my reason, and my sanity, inspite of myself, and inspite of the endless teasings in class with someone that I really didn't like. She didn't need to know that I'd rather be with her for a day than with that someone else for a lifetime. She didn't have to know that she was the only girl who could have ever made my day the way she does. She didn't need to know that even while doing nothing, she was the only one who could make me smile.
And... she didn't need to know that after all these years, I loved her...
And I still do..
posted by Dexter @ 10:47 PM
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